Some people have told me they couldn't open the word file with the notes from
the Hellinger workshop in New York in October which was attached to my last
email. So I have pasted it below:
NOTES
Bert Hellinger Workshop
New York City - Oct 1-3, 2004
Friday - 10/01/04
"It's only a little thing that a therapist can do but once in alignment with
family forces, it is enough."
Conversation with the Woman with No Problems - Me!
Hellinger walks in front of row of prospective clients seated on stage, looking
at them individually.
H to client: "You look like you have no problems? Is that true?"
Me: "Yes, it is."
H to client: "You have no problems?"
Me: "Yes, I have no problems."
H to client: "People who have no problems love their mother."
H to audience: "So likeable. It's true that when you love your mother, others
like you."
Client smiles and feels stunned. H moves back to his seat and calls another
client to sit next to him.
Conversation with the Woman with No "Apparent" Problems
H sits with another client "with no problem" who feels constricted in chest.
They sit for several minutes in silent meditation.
H: "How are you doing?"
Client: "Better."
H: "It's great to do nothing yet do something and that same movement was
probably felt by the audience."
Conversation with the Woman Who Had an Abortion
H speaks to young woman with no children who has had an abortion.
H to client: "Say to your dead child: "You are death and you are my death.""
Woman cries.
H to all: "Children represent the death of their parents.
H to woman. "I hear the child saying 'No'. Now you say to the child 'Please.'"
H to all. "Women who reject their mothers reject their children. How many of
you (motioning to the audience) secretly wished there had been a resolution?"
H tells story of a doctor who made a pact with the Devil. If the Devil stood at
the head of the bed, the patient would recover; if the Devil stood at foot of
the bed, the patient would die. When a beautiful young girl was brought to him,
he saw the Devil standing at the foot of the bed. He turned the bed around and
the beautiful young girl lived. But the doctor died. "It is very dangerous to
try to help where you're not permitted to. Some therapists get ill. Be very
careful."
H to client. "Tell me about your mother."
Client: "She's still alive. She had a difficult life."
H: "With whom?"
[Audience laughs.]
The three magic words in psychotherapy and in loving relationships are:
1. Thank you
2. Please
3. Yes
H speaks on love: "Most love at the same time says two words: Yes and No.
In marriage, you say yes to your partner as he or she is.
In marriage, you say yes to your partner's family as they are.
In marriage, you say yes to your partner's fate and also to your own. That is
the crown of true love but it may also lead to separation but separation in
love.
Constellation with the Poor Lost Child
Young woman sits next to H.
H: "Poor lost child."
Client: "What do you mean?"
H: "I see a 4-year-old on your face."
H: "What happened in your life?"
Client: "I can't remember."
H: "Of course, you can't."
A long pause.
H: "Yes, let's go ahead with a constellation."
[The representative for the poor lost girl falls on her knees and then to the
floor.
H to client: "See the anger?"
Client: Shakes head "No."
H to audience: "She never recovered. Because I don't get any information from
her, I can't go on."
Client: "A baby of my grandmother died."
H: "There's much more. There is a murder."
H removes representative and puts client in constellation. He waits.
H to client: "Do I have permission to go farther?"
Client: no answer
H to audience: "It doesn't depend on the client. The system does not allow it.
A small step too far is dangerous."
H speaks on love: Love in families is instinctive. It has to do with survival.
We need to tie up with our group in order to survive. The stronger the group is
together, the greater the aggression against all outside groups. Our conscience
watches over our group. It is exclusionary. It creates the sense of a good
conscience.
A good conscience is not a source of peace. It makes for a holy war with all
outside groups. All great conflicts are conflicts of good conscience. Is there
any peace? Yes, beyond conscience and beyond the distinction of good and bad
conscience.
Conversation with the Sleepy Lady
Client: "I almost fell asleep."
[This is same client he refused to work with in morning.]
H to client: "Close your eyes and fall asleep."
H to client: "Who is it that wants to fall asleep at last?"
A long pause.
H: "Can I leave it here?"
H ends discussion and says: "I trust the resonance in my body completely."
Conversation of the Woman Who Talks Too Much About Her Mother
Client begins immediately to describe her mother: poor, molested, had stillborn
child, parents died in an unknown location, etc.
H to client: "Be careful. This has a very bad effect on your soul."
H to client: "How do you know that your mother was molested?"
Client starts to give an explanation
H stops her and says: "She has established a division between good and bad and
she was bad without knowing it."
H has client close her eyes and imagine she's entering a large hall with many
statues. The hall is filled with many members of her family and family friends.
She is to stand in front of each one and bow with respect. He tells her to now
move out of the hall and close the door forever.
H to client: "How are you doing?"
Client: "Good"
H to client: "Good. All the best."
H's summation: "Nothing worse can happen to peace than remembering."
Conversation with Client Hellinger Won't Work With
H to another client whom he cuts off and does not do constellation with: "You
were intruding. I protect you from your evil looks."
Conversation with the Woman of Three Steps
H to client: "How many steps are you away from happiness?"
Client: "Three."
H: "Exactly! Three steps. They are: Thank you, Please and Yes."
H: "All the best and be happy, of course."
H to audience: "Love is more difficult to bear than happiness."
Saturday - 10/02/04
H speaks on philosophy: "I'm a philosopher. What I do here is apply my
philosophy. I speak for the greater soul. To follow your conscience is not to
follow your soul. Ask when you follow your conscience, where is the energy in
my body? When you are following your conscience, the energy starts at the heart
and goes up. When you are following your soul, the energy starts at the feet
and goes up. The energy always moves up. This movement brings together what's
been lost, discarded, excluded. The movement of the soul is inclusion, a
healing movement, and it's a movement by which we grow and become complete.
Constellation of the Young Mother and Young Son
H to boy: "Your mother is worried about you and I will help her."
[Young mother tells of recent divorce and that the boy now has asthma attacks.]
H to boy: "I will say what you don't dare to say. We'll set up a constellation
with your mother and father."
[Mother looks only at son sitting in chair, never at father's representative.]
[H shields the eyes of the boy so he can't see the constellation. He also
embraces the boy.]
[Mother's representative clenches her fists.]
H to mother: "Your son is afraid of you and rightly so."
H asks rhetorically: "What makes children happy?"
H answers rhetorically: "A child is happy if, when a mother looks at her child,
she sees the father and loves the father in the child and if, when a husband
looks at his child, he sees the wife and loves the mother in the child.
H tells the mother to look now at the father's representative with love and
remember their first love.
[H now adds the son's representative standing in front of mid-way between the
mother's representative and the father's representative. The boy's
representative moves towards
the father's representative.]
H moves mother into constellation and says to her: "Say to your son's
representative: 'I entrust you to your father with love.' Then say: 'But I'll
always remain your mother and you can come to me at any time and you may go to
your father at any time.'"
H to mother: "The words the boy wants to say are: 'Dear Dad, I love you.'"
H breaks into constellation to give his Rules of Good Education:
1. A child agrees to what is important in the families of both
his/her parents
2. A child agrees to what is missing in the families of both
his/her parents
3. If one parent tries to insist on the values of their own family,
the child
will silently side with the weaker other family
H to audience: "Here the boy sides with the father and can't show he loves his
father because the child is loyal to both parents. A child will be happy and
safe if he/she can show love to both parents. Asthma here is a broken movement,
coming out of his love for his father.
Conversation with a Man with a Stiff Neck
H to client: "You had a hard time."
Client nods. [He's an older man, rigidly upright with a stiff neck.]
H: "Are there any chances left for you?"
Client: "Yes."
H: "I'm not sure."
H breaks from client to tell a story. Almost seems to turn his back to the
client. He tells story about a boy in Mexico who stopped learning, a
15-year-old, who he had worked with. H has the boy imagine a ladder and that
he climbs it to the 10th rung. He asks the boy, "How many rungs are left?"
"Only 10," replies the boy. The boy knows his father wants to lie about the
number of remaining runes. The father's father, his grandfather had died young.
The boy is saying: 'I in your place." H asks father to say: 'I'll stay and you
stay.' Here the client wants to die.
H to audience: "The client respects me because I don't fool around."
H to client: "I'm not sure that the dead people you want to join, want you."
H to client: "It's OK if you want to close your eyes. Keep your eyes closed and
I'll tell you a story."
H gently touches the forearm of the client.
There was a woman who was afraid of everything. She shut herself up
in her house
and then finally in a very small room of the house. After awhile,
she decided she
wanted to kill herself in a very special place. She called a taxi
and told the driver
to take her to a mountain top. The taxi-driver wanted to make some
money so
he agreed and took her on a long scenic ride to a very high
mountaintop. And
when they arrived at the top of the mountain, she said, "The world
is wonderful."
H to client: "Do you have any illness?"
Client: "No."
H: "Wonderful!"
H speaks on religion: Religion is higher than spirituality. Many people on a
spiritual path are in search of the mother. Remember that the Buddha lost his
mother at his birth.
Conversation with Man Who Lost His Mother
Client: "I lost my mother 5 years ago."
H to client: "No one can lose their mother."
H speaks on life and death: "Life is a way of dying. Life continues because we
die from moment to moment. Life feeds on death, as Shakespeare said. [See
below.]
Sonnet 146
Poor soul, the centre of my sinful earth,
[...] these rebel powers that thee array;
Why dost thou pine within and suffer dearth,
Painting thy outward walls so costly gay?
Why so large cost, having so short a lease,
Dost thou upon thy fading mansion spend?
Shall worms, inheritors of this excess,
Eat up thy charge? Is this thy body's end?
Then soul, live thou upon thy servant's loss,
And let that pine to aggravate thy store;
Buy terms divine in selling hours of dross;
Within be fed, without be rich no more:
So shalt thou feed on Death, that feeds on men,
And Death once dead, there's no more dying then.
The little death is from moment to moment. If we succeed in living from moment
to moment, then life is continuous. Whenever we look back, we lose something of
life. Looking back and remembering is a way of missing the present. The same
applies to looking to the future. In the present, life is full and complete. If
you look at life as a whole, it can never pass away. Only our personal life
ends.
Constellation with Client with Blocked Energy
Client: "I have blocked energy from my chest to my mouth."
H to client: "It may be dangerous to move it. You don't know what kind of
energy it is. Maybe it's murderous energy and it's good when it's blocked."
H to client: "Where are you from?"
Client: "I'm from Korea."
H to client: "All the Koreans have a reputation for being aggressive."
Client: "I'm from South Korea."
H to client: "In Japan, on TV you can see the aggression in Koreans. I have
nothing against aggression. All life is aggressive. We only survive by being
murderous. Whenever we eat, we have destroyed life. Life is a continuation of
murder. I have nothing again aggression. The question is whether we are attuned
to it and we admit it and if others are safe from it."
Client: "My father drowned when I was 4 years old. My mother brought me to
America afterwards. My father was a reporter and he went on a boat to follow a
story. It sank during the war and there was fighting."
H to client: "Where was that?"
Client: "It was in Taiwan during the fighter between the Communists in China
and the Nationalists in Taiwan. My father was with the Nationalists."
H sets up constellation.
[Father's representative immediately begins swaying, unsteady on his feet.
H introduces another representative standing across from father's
representative. Father's representative wants to talk but H tells him:
"Don't say anything. Just go with your movement." H brings in
new representative that he identifies as the client's (daughter's)
representative.
That representative slowly begins the process of turning away from the father's
representative. Father's representative raises his hands alternately and steps
haltingly towards daughter's representative. Client standing at H's side,
turns away from the constellation and cries. Father's representative goes
to the floor, his head pointing toward the daughter's representative.
H stands and moves the daughter's representative around to face the
father's representative. H now brings in a representative to be the mother's
representative. Again he has to turn the daughter's representative around to
face the father's representative - and also the mother's representative.
Daughter's representative begins to sway and almost falls. The mother's
representative moves to the father's representative, almost falls, bends over
and reaches out her hand to touch the floor. Slowly on her knees, the mother's
representative leans toward the father's representative (her husband).
The daughter's representative moves towards the fallen father and mother
representatives on the floor. The daughter's representative pulls up by the
arms the mother's representative until she is standing on her knees and
steadies
her. The daughter's representative now drops to her knees at the side of the
mother's representative and clasps her arms around the mother's representative.
The father's representative twitches slightly on the floor. The mother's
representative rolls her head forward and back a few times.]
H to daughter's representative: "Say to your mother, 'Please.'"
[Mother's representative now begins to look at daughter and seems
steadier on her knees. Mother's representative puts her arms around
her daughter's representative. Both mother and daughter representatives,
while embracing, struggle slowly to their feet, helping each other.
Mother's representative strokes daughter's representative's hair,
puts her hand on her daughter's representative's head and gentle pushes
her head onto her shoulder to rest.]
H to audience: "We can see when the mother and daughter came together that the
father could relax."
H to client: "Your mother wanted to die and you kept her alive. That's why you
can't separate from her. You feel responsible. Say to your mother: 'I'll stay
with you all the time.'"
H to audience: "The daughter couldn't leave and form her own family before."
H: "I'll leave it there. All the best to you."
H speaks on couple's relationship: I'll interrupt and do some teaching.
Otherwise, it gets too heavy. Here are some Lessons on Life:
Life begins with the love of our parents. The love between a man
and a woman is the basis of everything. It has the highest rank and nothing is
greater or more far-reaching. The urge that brings them together is the most
spiritual force in the world. Nothing is closer to the movements of the soul.
Nothing is more fulfilling than love between a man and a woman. Life fulfills
itself by this love, the union
of a man and a woman. And, of course, when they meet each other, they seem out
of their minds because they are out of their minds. They are more attuned with
the mind of God and the result shows that it is worthwhile.
In the poem "Eros" by a German poet, a couple is hit by Cupid's
arrow and fate is born. At that moment, all freedom for the couple is lost.
They are bound together. If their love is fulfilled in a child, they are bound
together forever.
Sometimes children are shy to speak of their parents' love and very
often they defend themselves from this love by childish accusations. They are
not able to stand up to the greatness of love and the consequences it
has in their lives. When children admit to this love, they grow up and have a
fulfilled life. They don't shy away from the consequences. When someone says
they want to be free, they are self-centered. They don't love and they can't
love. Let us have pity on them and give them our love.
H speaks on autism and schizophrenia: Autism and schizophrenia are not
illnesses. They are systemic entanglements. There is a murder somewhere in the
family system. Even the murderer must have a space in the family - both the
murderer and their victim. In these families, the victim does not dare to show
their love for the murderer. With psychosis and schizophrenia, love is at the
brink of the abyss. It is a systemic disorder. The system, not the person, is
disordered and all individuals in the system are caught up in this dynamic.
With schizophrenia, the murder is within the family - both the victim and the
perpetrator.
"Anyone caught in the distinction between good and bad can't do this work."
"The healing work often starts with the victim. If the eyes are closed, both
the murderer's and the victim's, there is resolution. If one or the other keeps
their eyes open, there isn't full reconciliation. Finding resolution and
healing in systemic entanglements like schizophrenia and autism can be done
through the generations. The healing power often comes from the perpetrator."
"In schizophrenia, when the murderer and the victim embrace, there is healing.
This can be done through the generations as well."
Conversation with the Client with a Schizophrenic Mother
H: "What did you come for?"
Client: "To heal myself and my mother who is schizophrenic."
H: "How long?"
Client: "As long as I can remember."
H: "Was she institutionalized?"
Client: "For a week or two when she had a nervous breakdown."
H: "Close your eyes and look at your mother and tell her: 'I cry with you.'"
Client cries with and for her mother.
H: "Was there any schizophrenia in your father's line?"
Client: "Not that I'm aware of."
H: "And your mother's family?"
Client: "My aunt committed suicide."
H: "I'm still strangely with your father."
Client: "My family used to laugh because they said my father killed somebody."
H: "So you're mother because schizophrenic for your father."
Client: "My mother became schizophrenic after the separation of my parents."
H: "Did the murder take place after their separation?"
Client: "Yes. My family said someone had died in a manure pile and my father
would send money to the man's widow."
[H sets up constellation for client with mother and father and the dead man.
Sorry, took no notes on representatives' movements in the constellation.]
H: Some people say with death everything is over but it's not. This dead victim
and perpetrator have a long way to go. Neither you nor your mother should
interfere in any way. As your mother is alive, tell her about this
constellation. Here we can see a community of Fate. Your mother takes something
upon herself for you. Probably there is something in her family that entangles
her - and you, too, up to a point.
H: An entanglement is resolved if someone gets out of it. She's [i.s. client's
mother] alive and here and I think she can carry the grief. This is not a bad
Fate. There is no such thing as a bad Fate if the fate comes from God.
H speaks on conscience: The main obstacle to peace is conscience. Conscience
determines what we are allowed to perceive. It sets our limits. That's why
conscientious people can't see beyond their own conscience. They are limited in
their perceptions. Within a morphic field, everything is repeated with no
progress, no changes. Anything new is immediately felt as a threat and they
resist it. Conscience is instinctive and irrational. For example, we
immediately perceive what we have to do to stay in a group and we do it.
Conscience is a survival instinct. The main function of conscience is to keep
the group together. Conscience knows nothing really about good and bad. All
conscientious people who follow their conscience feel better than others. They
think of themselves as the chosen.
"When we acknowledge everything in our soul - including our guilt - we become
whole. We become friends with many and we can love in a special way."
Conversation with Man Who's Bothered by His Father's Behavior
H to client: "This is how a child is reduced to size when he feels bigger than
his father."
H to audience: "He feels shame and guilt and doesn't know why because he's a
mother's boy."
H to client: "Write a nice letter to your father, thanking him for everything
you got from him."
H speaks about roles children assume: Former partners, where the break is
abrupt, are always represented by children in the subsequent relationship. In
this way, all former partners are acknowledged.
Sunday - 10/03/04
H speaks on helping: Some of those in the "helping professions" are children
who want to help their parents, especially their mother. This is true of those
therapists who are most eager. Then the client becomes a mother and both the
therapist and the client can no longer grow. Such a relationship lasts a very
long time. It satisfies a mutual emotional need and this need has taken charge
of their lives. Every-thing has to fail in the end.
A therapist shows empathy. What is the model of empathy? The love of a parent
for a child. If a therapist is empathic like this model, he or she is
vulnerable and can be used by a client. Such a therapist is open to attack. To
refrain from this kind of empathy is difficult. In this instance, the client is
in control of the therapy. The client uses such an empathic therapist to avoid
change.
If you follow my principles, you have empathy for the system as a whole, not
the client as an individual. When you help, you are shifted away from your
ideas of what it is to help. You see the movements of the soul. Here the soul
of the family and the souls of each individual are in charge.
Here there is no burnout. Where there's burnout, it is a futile relationship.
The helper must feel best. That's the indicator of "success."
Constellation with Client with Autistic Son
[There is not much discussion prior with client. Audience learns afterwards
that mother has slightly autistic son.]
Hellinger sets up constellation with client-mother's representative and son's
representative facing each other. Eventually the son's representative turns
away from the client-mother's representative. H asks a new representative to
lie on the floor between them. Hellinger identifies the body as that of an
aborted child.
H: "See how the boy is burdened." [Points to mother's representative when she
stops looking at the representative on the floor and starts looking at the
boy's representative.]
H places client in constellation. She goes to the child's representative and
places her head on his shoulder and cries.
H: "Who is the adult and who is the child?"
H turns the boy's representative around so he's facing the dead body on the
floor.
Client goes to dead body on floor and cries.
H says to her: "Tell her 'I killed you.'" Client can't. H brings in
representative for the husband.
H says to husband's representative: "Say to her 'I'm glad you did it.'" He does.
H asks the father's client if he feels better. He answers "Yes."
H ends the constellation by saying: "What is the real dynamic here?"
H: "She wants to die and the boy says, 'I in your place.'"
H to audience: "Don't be empathic to her because thereby you kill her boy."
H to audience: "The weak ones are sacrificed to those who should be strong."
H leads client through a meditation asking her to say:"I agree to all the
consequences of our love."
Audience learns she brought son to see Hellinger but the father refused to
come. Hellinger tells her that only the father can help the boy.
H now sets up a new constellation with only the boy's representative and the
father's representative, facing each other, with the aborted child between them
on the floor.
The client enters the constellation, reaches down to the dead child and tries
to lift her up.
It's obvious that the dead child is not at peace.
H to audience: "The boy's behavior is an escape from what's too heavy for him
to carry."
H speaks on abortion: When there is an abortion, something is lost, especially
for the mother, something from her soul and from her body, so the mother is no
longer complete. Then there is a search in her soul and in her body to recover
what has been lost. An abortion is always a trauma. A trauma tends to complete
something. The abortion completes what has been interrupted. The fallacy is
that people think they can get rid of something but that's impossible. The
aborted child is excluded but it remains present. It's a phantom link. You
can't get rid of the child. It is present but lost and can't be recovered. The
act cannot be undone.
There are several movements going on after an abortion:
1. The loss continues. Usually the result is that the relationship is over.
2. Now the woman (sometimes the man) is searching for a child. They are
drawn into death.
3. The solution is on a higher level.
We must assume some higher truths:
1. No human being can kill. Killing is not in the hands of any human being
but in the hands of a greater movement.
2. The death of a child has far-reaching effects on the system. The child
forces the mother and father to a higher level and then the whole system grows.
3. Therefore, the death [abortion] of a child serves the system in a new
way. We must leave beyond all judgment of such an act.
4. The mother looks beyond the child to something great far away. She
entrusts the child to something greater.
5. It's consoling to think that the child looks back from the bosom of
Abraham and at the same time the parents carry the consequences.
6. Things now appear in a different light.
Constellation with a Woman Who Is Ill
H: "Many illnesses have to do with the desire to be with someone who is
suffering or to save someone. Here the client is trying to save her mother."
H asks 8 women representatives to form a circle around the client's
representation. They all stand quietly looking at the client's representative
who is obviously moved.
H then replaces the client's representative with the client. The client cries
and appears weak.
H to client: "Be strong. Be brave."
H to audience: "Is the soul ready to accept the treatment and to be healthy?"
Client comes forward and starts to individually embrace the women
representatives in the circle. They stroke her hair and back. Finally she joins
the circle.
H: "When she joins the circle, she is strong and on equal footing with the
other women."
H to audience: "The movement leading to health is a separation, a leaving of an
illness. We should look at the people in the family without interfering or
desiring to interfere. You withdraw out of respect. There is a kind of love
that maintains illness. At the same time it is a burden to the person you want
to save. Therefore, be careful about love."
H speaks about blessing and cursing: In some systems, a curse is felt. Often
the curse comes from someone who had been done a grave injustice several
generations back. When one member of the family feels that curse it's usually
an innocent child. Sometimes it goes on for several generations.
Conversation with the Man with a 26-year-old Son with Narcolepsy
H: "Now if an angry person is acknowledged and respected, it becomes
well-wishing from the soul. Then the person can be included back in the circle."
H: "To help is to open our hearts to all those who have suffered an injustice."
H speaks on perpetrators and victims: In the end, both are victims. They have
no free will and were victims of their own fates. You can see this in a global
way. Compassion is to look beyond the individual person and see him or her as
entangled, not as a matter of choice, but as part of a bigger field.
We can see we submit to something greater. We can see how short-sighted our
moral judgments are and then we can experience what love really is.
Conversation with a Large Man with Bad Back and Knees
Client begins to tell lengthy medical history.
H to client: "No! No! No!" and cuts him off.
H then tells a story:
Once upon a time there was a man who was one of the
first to hang-glide.
One day he was with a group of hang-gliders. There was
a single tree on
a hilltop and everyone of the hang-gliders hit it.
H to client: "A piece of advice. Never mention the word "knee".
Client begins to tell his medical history.
H to audience: "when he keeps talking about the same theory, dos he ever expect
help?"
H to audience: "No. Then that's the issue."
H to client: "Now close your eyes. See yourself in a wheelchair and say "yes."
H to audience: "Now look at him. Is he stronger or weaker?"
H to client: "Fate makes us weak. Agreeing with it makes us strong."
Conversation with a Man Who Wants Peace
H to client: "What did you come for?"
Client: "Peace."
H to client: "Close your eyes."
H to audience: "Peace begins when we give up something. Conflict means we hold
onto something. Peace especially begins when we give up some hope."
H to client: "Now you tell your mother 'It's enough.'"
Client says nothing and does nothing.
H to client: "Open your eyes. Where is the conflict?"
Client: "In my mind."
H to client: "Which side right or left?"
Client: "Both. They talk to each other."
H to client: "Which one is female and which is male?"
Client: "I don't know. [A long pause.] They're both female."
H: "Add a third voice."
H: "Now close your eyes. Do you hear it? Is it better or worse?"
Client: "It sounds like a male me."
H: "I'll leave it here. You made a change. Now you can move more freely and add
something new."
H speaks about relationship: The higher the exchange rate, the less the
freedom. Therefore, people prefer to take what is given to them.
The problem with a bad relationship is that the exchange is not balanced. We
want to destroy the other so they can't hurt us again. We return more than we
get so we want to destroy them.
In a good relationship, we hurt the other to save the relationship but we hurt
them less. Hurting the other in a good way is a high art.
Constellation with a Woman Who Talks About Her Parents' Relationship
Client: "I feel my parents didn't love each other."
H to client: "Poor girl."
H to audience: "She has lost her father and it has far-reaching consequences."
H to client: "You won't get a partner."
H sets up constellation with mother and father representatives facing each
other.
H to client: "Who is loving?"
Client: "I don't know."
H: "Don't you see that the father is loving?"
H to audience: "In psychotherapy, you always assume it's the other way round."
H to client: "You have no chance of getting a partner. You won't get one
because you don't respect men."
Conversation with the Man Who Has a Knot in His Throat
Client: "I have a knot in my throat."
H to client: "What's the movement?"
Client: "Forward."
H: "No. It's away. That's why you have a knot. It keeps people from getting too
close."
Client: "I see."
H speaks about how to get close up in a relationship: For a man or a woman, you
make the first step. But only one step. And then you wait. Then the other
person can make one small step and wait. Then each person can feel safe and
develop trust. We feel safe when we're sure the other person won't intrude."
What is the Main Method of Intruding?
Curiosity. Asking "tell me." What will the other person do? He or she tells a
lie. Better not to ask at all. It's a precious gift when the other person
reveals something to you. And then you must reveal something to them - but only
a little piece, keep your secrets. Reveal only a little bit. This makes the
relationship safe.
Conversation with a Special Woman
H to client: "I don't know if I can work with you. Do you know why?"
Client: "No."
H: "Because you're too special. People shun those who want to be treated
special."
H and client sit quietly for a long time.
H: "Do you understand?"
H and client whisper to each other.
H to audience: "She asks if it's an illusion. We'll continue. "
Client to H: "Is special narcissism?"
H: "Obviously, you have no experience of therapy."
Client: "You said continue. Continue what?"
H: "The same way for another 10 years, then you'll wake up. You are used to
using people."
Client bows her head.
Client: "How so?"
H: "The first few sentences you said to me showed it clearly. I saw that you
understood."
H turns to facilitator: "If you've gone on the wrong path for a long time, you
can't return."
H: "I stop it here."
Client: "Thank you."
H speaks about choosing clients: When I work with people, I ask myself how much
time is left for them. If the time is short I don't do much and I prepare them
for the end.
Another question is have they come to a boundary where they're stopped and is
there a chance they can go further. You give them information, another version,
and then they are there.
Others, however, are held back because something is missing or held back in the
past. Maybe they could not overcome a loss, for example the loss of a mother at
an early age. I go with them back very briefly and
then we come back. Now they are free to continue.
Some have chosen the wrong path so in order to change they have to go back to
that point where they took the wrong turn. Therefore, you treat them in a way
as if they are almost finished with their life.
Don't get involved unnecessarily in things that have no future.
Conversation with a Woman Whose Daughter Has Cancer
Client: "I have a daughter, 41 years old, who has colon cancer.
H: "Close your eyes. Look beyond your daughter and say 'yes,' then allow your
daughter to turn away from you and turn towards her Fate and say yes to it and
you withdraw.
Client: "I think it is my fault."
H to client: "That is the issue."
H to audience: "How must the daughter think if this is the mother's thought?
This is an exercise of power. The daughter can't free herself from the mother."
H speaks about mothers: Mothers, by conceiving a child and carrying it in the
womb, then giving birth and then nursing the child, experience the power of
life and death over the child. So the child can only develop if the mother
withdraws slowly and gives up the illusion of power in these early years. Then
the child can grow. If the mother has the illusion of power over the child,
then the child also has the same illusion and the mother can't take care of the
child's problems.
Client: "I feel like a child in an adult's body."
H: "Enjoy it. That's all."
Conversation with Woman Whose Father Was Unfaithful
Client: "My father was dating another woman when my mother got pregnant. The
other woman may also have been pregnant."
H to audience: "What does the disclosure of this secret do to her soul?"
H to client: "It's not for you to know this secret. But since you know this,
you can't get rid of it."
Client: "My parents called to tell me."
H: "Close your eyes. Say to yourself: 'Thank you for telling me. I see it's
easier for you to tell me and out of love I bear now the consequences of your
love. I am stronger and I can do that."
H to client: "Is that OK?"
Client: "No."
H: "OK, write the secret on a piece of paper, hang it on the wall and smile at
it."
H: "All the best to you."
Conversation with an Angry Woman Who Is Smiling
Client: "I am angry at my mother and I feel bad about that."
H: "I didn't say it before but when you met sweet people prepare for anger. Of
course, she's a father's daughter."
Client laughs pleasantly.
H to client: "Father's daughters have one great advantage. They don't need any
other man in their life. There's no work, no challenge, just remaining a sweet
girl."
H to audience: "I could have given her some advice but it was clear she didn't
want it."
H speaks on Brief Therapies: Make sure it's a real issue. Only matters of life
and death are real issues. For the others, just do some teaching, brief
therapies like we've just done, to take away the energy. In this group, I've
demonstrated it here.
Hellinger's closing comment to audience: "It's clear the work has taken root
here."H
hasta la vista
Chris Walsh
An Australian Constellation Website:
www.constellationflow.com
----- Original Message -----
From: Chris Walsh
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sent: Wednesday, 8 December 2004 6:18 AM
Subject: [ConstellationTalk] Fw: Notes - Hellinger Workshop - NYC - 10/1-3/04
Hi all,
Susan Richey sent me the attached notes from Hellinger's New York
workshop in October. Enjoy!
hasta la vista
Chris Walsh
An Australian Constellation Website:
www.constellationflow.com
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Wednesday, 8 December 2004 4:52 AM
Subject: Notes - Hellinger Workshop - NYC - 10/1-3/04
Attached are my notes to the Hellinger workshop
this past October in New York City.
Please feel free to share them in anyway you wish.
The first half day client sessions are missing or sketchy
because I was on stage and truly in an altered space.
Any inconsistencies or confusions or conflicts that exist
in the Notes with Hellinger's spoken or written words
should be construed as the notetaker's errors. Use your
better judgment and prefer what you know to be true about
the work.
All the best,
Susan Richey
Yahoo! Groups Sponsor
ADVERTISEMENT
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yahoo! Groups Links
a.. To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ConstellationTalk/
b.. To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
ConstellationTalk-unsubscribe@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
c.. Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.
