I think this constellation of Gails illustrates clearly the importance of
giving everyone a place in this case the biological mother and father as
well as the adoptive father When Gail says that as representative for the
child artificially conceived with donor sperm that she felt a sense of
guilt that the mother's husband had given so much materially for my support
even though he wasn't my father. I felt I owed him somthing, I had been put
into debt without
my consent. It shows how excluding the biological father results in a
secondary exclusion of the adoptive father. It would be interesting to know
if the sense of sterility Gail felt as a representative disappeared or
otherwise changed once the biological father and adoptive father were both
given respectful places including acknowledging each other and appropriate
acknowledgement by the mother.
Just for the sake of clarity it is useful in this discussion to note that
IVF does not usually involve donor sperm or donor eggs for that matter. It
usually uses sperm and eggs from the man and woman concerned. This is the
case in Julies initial enquiry. I agree with Gail that the medical staff
involved are not important in terms of the dynamics of the bonding.
hasta la vista
Chris Walsh
Melbourne, Australia
webpage: www.cwalsh.com.au
From: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx] On Behalf Of Gail
Sent: Wednesday, 30 May 2007 1:17 AM
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: [ConstellationTalk] Re: IVF
Hi Julie,
I'm sure others have more experience and knowledge around this than I
do but I am happy to share the experience of representing a person
whose conception was the result of donor sperm. The mother was
married to a man who was sterile. She desperately wanted a child, so
they took the path of artificial insemination. By the time the
constellation was facilitated the mother and her husband had divorced.
When I was placed as the representative I became aware of the
whiteness in the room and the feeling that things were very clinical.
I was really bothered by how 'sterile' everything seemed. Part of the
resolutions were around that as a child I felt I existed only to
serve the mother's needs. There was a struggle around breaking free
to live my own life and a sense of guilt that the mother's husband
had given so much materially for my support even though he wasn't my
father. I felt I owed him somthing, I had been put into debt without
my consent.
There was no sense of a family bond towards the mother's husband, but
it was really important for me to see a picture of 'where I came
from'. This picture was of the mother and her husband standing, with
the mother on the left hand side, and behind them, connecting them
somehow, the sperm donor, my biological father. There was a sense of
needing to accept that this was my beginning, a space where there was
no passion, just clinical starkness, and looking at the mother's
sterile husband I understood why sterility bothered me, he appeared
to block my access to my father and interrupted the free flow of life
through my father to me.
In this constellation there was no energetic need for the medical
staff. They were not part of the system. I don't think it is the act
of intercourse that creates the bond. As you can see from this
example, the life flows through the cellular DNA and this is what
creates the bond. The conceptual act, whether it involves love,
passion, rape, incidental acts of lust, drugs or alcohol numbing and
blurring, IVF, artificial insemination, etc., seem to give a sort of
framework or flavour to the person's life, a part of fate over which
we have no control, but often need to say 'yes' to in order to
accept our own life fully.
I'm guessing that if you were to set a constellation for this client
the bond of fatherhood would be found there no matter what the father
is aware of feeling.
Regards, Gail.
--- In ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
<mailto:ConstellationTalk%40yahoogroups.com> , "Julie Toms-Arbel"
<j.toms2@...> wrote:
a systemic perspective about a client that I am working with. She
Hello,
I would be most grateful if there is anyone who could comment from
What I know very little about, is the complex issues that surroundIVF. For instance, A doctor is involved, would they become apart of
Where donors are involved I would imagine they would be anintrinsic part the of the system. When only one donor is involved
I would really liked to open up a discussion around this subject aswe live in times where creating a family can involve more than two
Thank you and best wishes from England
Julie
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