Hi Liz,
I would like to share my experience of working with a pregnant women and some
very beautiful systemic family healing that occurred. It involves a complex
system of entanglements for the client with more energetic work to be done in
time. I will share the background information, which is long, however it will
lay the foundation for understanding the client’s fears and behaviours.
Background Info
The 34 year old woman works as an acupuncturist at a holistic fertility clinic.
Interesting choice of career and you will understand why later. My first work
with this client was introducing Systemic Constellations to ten holistic
fertility practitioners. I had just completed my facilitator training with
Francesca Mason Boring and I felt okay about sharing what I had learned. I
shared the systemic transgenerational impact of unresolved emotional family
trauma on fertility with the group and set up a small constellation to explain
what a Systemic Constellation was and the process. This woman volunteered to
have her family of origin set up. This constellation must have brought forward
some emotional issues for this woman because 7 months later she came to me for
a private session. At the break of this short introductory workshop, the
client and the owner of the facility, seemingly off topic for my introduction
to the group, asked me if I could set up a constellation to address a negative
entity they felt was impacting their clients during treatments. Some of the
clients were feeling nauseated and unwell during sessions. They had recently
opened the clinic and the issue had been going on for a few weeks in one room
of the clinic. The result was a constellation that assisted an ashamed,
women-hating, not living male entity to transition to be with his ancestors. I
presented a long line of loving ancestors to this entity and said they were
waiting for him with open arms on the other side. There would be no judgment
or blame. After a time, the representative for the entity suddenly said, “It’s
done.” The negative impact on the clients stopped after that.
First Appointment
Seven months later, this woman called for a private session, the first of two
about 7 months apart. At the time of the first appointment the client was not
married and was not pregnant. She wanted to look at her extreme pain,
bleeding, and hot flashes with her menstrual cycle that she had experienced
since age 15, when she started her menses. She had been working on this issue
wholistically for a long time without resolve. She wanted to explore how her
ancestral family system might be impacting her life today. She carried fears,
grief, and anxiety that seemed to have no basis in her current life. She was
afraid of marriage and afraid to have children. The client was very emotional
when she mentioned that she was not married and had no children. (Inner
pressure to be the one to marry and have children). The client had a wedding
planned for the 10th anniversary with her partner, which was 2 months later,
however she carried anxiety about the getting married. She felt forced by
family and society to get married. She insisted that she didn’t need to have an
official piece of paper. She also felt creatively blocked. We set up a
genosociogram of the client’s generation and the two previous generations
showing the unresolved family emotional trauma and patterning:
Client’s Family of Origin:
Client is the youngest of 5 children.
1st child is a sister. She married later at age 37 but has no children. She
rejected both parents when she was young. She may or may not adopt a child but
will not give birth to her own child.
2nd child, a girl, died at 18 months. Client was born 5 years after this
sister died. She has a vision of herself standing over the coffin of her
sister holding a blanket. She believes she is another incarnation of that
sister. She feels she is holding her mother’s grief. (Having a child brings
sorrow and grief for this family system.) In an exercise to determine her
greatest fear: I am dead. I don’t exist in this life. This fear seems
attached to this older sister that died. She may be drawn to the dead and
unable to take in life fully.
3rd child is a sister. She has not married or had children. “She is a teacher
and her students are her children.”
4th child is a boy who is miscarried.
5th child is the client. She is born 2 years after this miscarriage. Mother
and father name her after paternal grandfather. There were no living sons in
this generation. She feels she was born to look after her mother who mourns
two deceased children. She feels like the big one and mother is the small one.
Client has to translate for her mother all the time and her symptoms get worse
at these times. Client does not feel heard by anyone in her family system.
("Mother I will share your emotional trauma with you." She carries a heavy
burden as the child. This likely creates fear around marriage and having
children. “If I have children they will die.") At age 4, the client is away
from her mother for 2 months. For the first time in her life she remembers
feeling free.
Father’s Family System:
o Both families are large Roman Catholic Italian families. However, in
father’s family there is only one in each generation marrying or having
children.
o Client is emotional speaking about her paternal grandmother who just
died a couple years ago. See the next point for the story.
o Client is emotional speaking about her paternal grandfather who was in
WWI and WWII. He was dragged at age 15 or 16 into World War I in Italy. Client
is named after this paternal grandfather. He was a talented musician forced to
be in the war to play his instrument. He felt punished for being musically
talented. He witnessed much pain and bleeding at a young age. (PGF age
corresponds to her age of menses when she feels pain, bleeding, and hot
flashes, but I feel that an issue with menstruation will more likely flow from
a women’s line so I continue with the genosociogram. This did however tie into
the client’s creative block at the same age. “I will suffer if I am creative.”)
Client’s father is born in 1937. His early years are impacted by WWII in
Italy. Paternal grandfather fought in WWII in Italy creating a disconnection
with father. In 1947 Grandfather immigrated to Canada and spent 13 years
living there before he brought over his wife and children in 1960. This
included the client’s father who was 23 years old at the time of immigration.
There is a big disconnection from father for all the children in their
developmental years, father doesn’t connect with his father’s circle of energy
by his teens, and heavy fate for his marital partner, paternal grandmother,
mentioned above. Father would be angry with his father for leaving them
behind. He would merge with his mother to support her as the oldest son and
enter adulthood still in his mother’s circle of energy. He got too much of
mother. He is angry and abusive. (Does this account for the client’s fear of
marriage? Is she entangled with paternal grandmother fearing that her partner
will leave her behind?) Grandmother experiences 13 years of emotional trauma
raising her children without their father. She was pregnant with her last
child when he left. The youngest of father’s siblings was a female who met her
father at age 13. She had excessive menstrual pain and bleeding. (Client may
have energetic entanglement with this aunt.)
o Client has had a feeling for a long time that paternal grandfather may have
had another relationship and possibly had children in the 13 year absence from
his family. (Is client entangled with this former intimate partner – adamant
that she doesn’t need a piece of paper to legitimize her relationship?)
o Father is the oldest child in his family but there are large gaps in
ages. (Client didn’t know if there were children missing in the family system.)
Father is jovial to cover his anger. He and his brother are both physically
abusive. Father is the only one of this generation to marry or have children.
Client witnessed her father physically abusing her mother on numerous
occasions. (Perhaps a source of fear around getting married. Witness to pain
and bleeding – “Mother, I will share your pain and bleeding with you.”) When
she was 8 years old she witnessed her father physically abuse her oldest sister
who was 16 at the time. She witnessed more pain and bleeding.
Mother’s Family System:
o Mother is the youngest of her family and born in Italy in 1944. Her
early years are impacted by WWII in Italy. At age 20, mother left her parents
and siblings behind and moved alone to Canada. She marries a man with the same
given name as both her mother and father. (Both families have someone who
immigrates alone to Canada.)
o It was pointed out that maternal grandmother has a half brother who has
an out-of-wedlock child. (Similar situation to father’s family)
o Client described herself as having a very boyish under-developed body
until the last few years when it became more feminine (about age 30). At age
30, mother miscarries her only son. (May indicate another entanglement.)
o At age 15, the time her menstrual cycle began, she was on a trip to
Italy with her mother. There were three generations of women talking together,
which she says had a very tribal, comforting feel to it. Mother was going
through menopause at the same time the client started her menstrual cycle.
Mother spoke of her discomfort with menopause on that trip. From that time
forward, the client has extreme pain, bleeding, and hot flashes with her menses
from the age of 15 to the present. (Perhaps the young client said again to her
mother, “I will share your pain, bleeding, and hot flashes. It may have been a
systemic energetic initiative rite of passage to womanhood.)
Systemic Constellations
With the family of origin and grandparent generation set up in a
constellation, a candle lighting ritual and ceremony was held to acknowledge
what was in the family system. The client participated in sentences with each
of the women who had suffered pain and bleeding. She stood across from her
mother creating a healthy strong boundary and released herself of the burdens
she shared with mother. She also had a constellation with father to take him
into her heart just as he was with compassion for his journey. She
acknowledged grandfather’s potential out-of-wedlock partner and the potential
children who would be missing from the family system. The fates of her dead
siblings were acknowledged.
We did some initial work, however, the client needed to energetically separate
entanglements with paternal grandfather, paternal grandmother, mother, father,
her paternal aunt, her deceased siblings, and the possible out-of-wedlock
partner and children of paternal grandfather. As the sensitive one in the
family system, she had to release herself from carrying each of these burdens
that she took on out of love and loyalty for the family system. She had
shoulder and upper back pain a lot and she needed to release herself of this
heavy energy and these burdens. She planned to do some of this work in ritual
after the session. A while after the session I received a beautiful
testimonial from the client to the energy shifts that had occurred.
Second Appointment
The client did follow through with her marriage and felt good about it. She
presented 4 months pregnant and filled with anxieties and fears about her
pregnancy, childbirth, and raising a child. As I mentioned at the beginning of
this email this women works in a holistic fertility clinic helping other women
to get pregnant. We frequently choose our partners and occupations to find
healing for ourselves and for our family systems. She wished to clear any
unresolved emotional family entanglements that might affect her child. She
didn’t want her unborn child to pick up any remaining emotional burdens. The
client wants to be there energetically for her child and not be drawn anywhere
else emotionally by the family system. Her partner was present for the
session.
§ We set up the client’s Family of Origin in a constellation and the
order of her siblings had changed from the first appointment. She became a bit
confused when I mentioned this. We realized she was still energetically in her
mother’s boundary and entangled with her siblings that were not living. We had
a candle lighting ritual to sever these entanglements, acknowledge their fates
again, and pass back their burdens.
I facilitated boundary exercises for the client with her mother and then had
her work with her partner to establish healthy boundaries for their
relationship. How to stay out of agency with her partner? How to stay out of
agency with her family members? I explained self-love, self-nurturance, the
use of self-soothing techniques when stressors occur, and self-parenting. What
is it I can do in this moment to help myself feel centred and feel self-love
when I am triggered emotionally? The adult child thrives when they have a
strong boundary and a strong sense of self at the deep inner core. When we
can’t connect or sense that deep inner core inside we have fears. Our
wellbeing depends on our ability to find connection within for self-nurturing
and self-love. We don’t find inner wellbeing from the outside world.
§ In constellation, she acknowledged her mother’s fate. It was mother’s
fate to be abused by her partner. It was mother’s fate to mourn two lost
children. It was mother’s fate to be emotionally distant and not emotionally
there for her as a baby. It was mother who felt pressured to deliver a son. As
she acknowledges mother’s fate and maintains a strong healthy boundary, she can
begin to separate herself from it. She can pass the burden she shares with
mother back to her. She has to firmly belief mom is strong enough to carry her
own burdens as she returns them back to her. The child who carries or shares a
burden for the big one, stands in a superior position and she will
energetically suffer. This is a key area of work for the client.
Partner’s Family System
I worked with her partner’s family system mostly to look at what needed to be
acknowledged. His greatest fear: I am not prepared. He initially was
emotionally distant and said that things were okay with his family situation
until I asked specific questions. When I asked if he got along well with Mom
and Dad, the key emotional traumas came out.
His father was born in 1930 in the Ukraine to Russian parents. He grew up
during the Soviet genocide of the Ukraine where millions died. I talked to him
about victim/perpetrator energy. What did your family have to do to survive?
Were they sometimes the victim and sometimes the perpetrator? Did any family
members starve or die? What happened when someone wasn’t prepared? (He
planned to do a little homework.)
When dad is 9 years old his family had to escape to safety at the beginning of
WWII. They had to run for safety. (I asked, “Who was not prepared?” Perhaps
the source of his deepest fear.)
Dad immigrated to Canada in the 1950s in his 20s.
Dad married once before marrying his mother. The first marriage partner was an
immigrant from Italy who moved to Canada. They have 2 sons. Her parents didn’t
think his father was good enough for her and they pressured her to leave him.
They were divorced. (Dad felt like the victim and he suffered.) There is a big
age gap for the children of the two families. Client’s partner’s two older
brothers were 27 and 25 when he was born.
Dad marries mother who is an immigrant from Dominica. They have 2 sons. The
client’s partner is the older of these two. Father didn’t want mother to
remain with him and she leaves when the client’s partner is just 5 years old
and the younger brother is 2. (Father was rejected in his first marriage and he
turns around and rejects his next marriage partner). His mother never
returned. He searched for her when he was 18 years old and found her. (Both
sides of the family have children without a parent for 13 years) At that time,
he moved to the province where his mother lived but it didn’t work out well.
(He resolved to find out more about mother. Why did mother leave Dominica?
What unresolved emotional family and ancestral trauma travelled with her and
perhaps transmitted to him?) (This man comes from a family system where
marriage partners and children get rejected or left behind and he chooses as a
partner a woman who fears getting married and fears having children. Family
systems marry family systems for a reason. There is much healing to be done
once it is acknowledged.)
Client’s partner says, “Dad had good intentions but he wasn’t a good role
model.” (This description is a rejection of father. In rejecting father he
merges with him.)
Dad was already 49 years old when client’s partner was born in the second
marriage. Dad died when the client’s partner was 28 years old (4 years
earlier). The next year his 23-year old younger brother committed suicide.
He has some relationship with the youngest of his 2 older brothers but no
relationship with his oldest brother.
There is much unresolved emotional trauma in the family system to be addressed.
Acknowledging it was a first step. It is up to the couple to work through the
trauma one layer at a time.
The client delivered a healthy daughter 5 months later – although it wasn’t a
straight forward birth. It was a Frank breech with her eyes wide awake,
delivered by C-Section - just as the client had been born – Frank breech with
her eyes wide awake. The patterning is amazing sometimes.
Other Discussion Ideas with a Pregnant Woman and her Partner:
1. Take the time to learn about good bonding with your child and good
mirroring for your baby and child. In raising the child – be present
energetically by doing your own healing work, bond with your child, mirror
appropriately when they want your attention or want to share something with
you, and your child will know they are loved and that they are important.
2. Let your partner honour you by supporting you in your pregnancy. This is
how he engages with his child. If mom is supported the child feels safe. The
child can only get to the father through the mother.
3. Enjoy this beautiful phase of womanhood – enjoy the changes that occur in
your body – don’t fear the change. Embrace the change with love and
acceptance.
4. Feel the support of all your ancestors and your partner’s back to the
beginning of time. You both come from a strong line of ancestors or you
wouldn’t be here today. Allow yourself to feel that support. Allow yourself
to receive their blessing for the wellbeing of your child. Allow yourself to
receive their blessing for you to go forward with love, joy, peace, and
abundance. Let them help you release all your burdens.
5. Do a ceremony to ensure the child knows you are both strong individuals
and the child doesn’t have to carry any burden for you. As you do your own
healing work the child will rejoice and let go of anything he or she might
already have unconsciously attempted to carry for you.
6. For both the client and her partner, I suggested they take the time to
look at all the historical information impacting the families. The separation
from mother is a microcosm of the separation from motherland.
7. Each parent does the best they can with the emotional resources, energy,
time, and skills they have. A parent can’t be expected to be another way if
they didn’t experience it themselves. (I gave the example of a country where
democracy is being imposed for the first time. Democracy is a mindset that you
grow up in and you are immersed in the structure. It took many nations
centuries to develop democracy. When people haven’t experienced democracy it
is rare that it can be successfully imposed upon them.) As an adult, you
cannot fully accept yourself until you acknowledge and accept both mother and
father fully. You are 50% Mom and 50% Dad. If you are separated/merged with
one and disconnected/reject the other then you are missing a large piece of
yourself. You find the missing piece by fully taking in Mom and Dad as they
are, acknowledging that they are the way they are from the family system they
grew up in and the energetic emotional entanglements they carry.
8. Living in the present is key – dwelling on the past or worrying about the
future make us unwell. Ask yourself in stressful moments, “What can I do for
myself for my highest good in this moment?” Take a bath, read a book, spend
time with my partner, call a friend, watch a movie, go for a long walk
outdoors, whatever is in your best interest. Look back long enough to learn
from the past and use what you learn from the past to impact the present and
influence the future.
9. Understand agency and how to stop living in agency with the living and the
dead.
10. Understand character styles of abandonment and inundation and how
they impact relationships.
11. Understand Good Parenting Messages (Integrated Body Psychotherapy –
Rosenberg) and learn to give them to yourself and to your child. If we don’t
feel you got all these messages growing up then you begin to say them to
yourself as an adult. You parent yourself (self-parenting). You no longer
look to your parents for parenting. If you are generally functioning in the
world then you received “enough” of these messages. However, it never hurts to
re-enforce them as an adult – especially the ones you may react to as you read
them:
I love you.
I want you.
You are special to me.
I see you and I hear you.
It is not what you do but who you are that I love.
I love you, and I give you permission to be different than me.
I’ll take care of you.
I’ll be there for you; I will be there even when you die.
You don’t have to be alone anymore.
You can trust me.
You can trust your inner voice.
Sometimes I will tell you “no”, and that’s because I love you.
You don’t have to be afraid anymore.
My love will make you well.
I welcome and cherish your love.
I can set limits, and I am willing to enforce them.
If you fall down I will pick you up.
I am proud of you.
I have confidence in you, I am sure you will succeed.
I give you permission to be the same as I, to be more or less.
You are beautiful (handsome).
I give you permission to love and enjoy your erotic sexuality with a partner of
your choice and not lose me.
12. When naming the child – be cautious about naming the child after
anyone with a heavy fate or tragic fate. This may serve to place a heavy fate
on the child and energetically entangle them with their namesake.
13. The relationship of the couple has priority over the relationship
between the parent and child. Without the parent relationship the child does
not exist. Keep your intimate relationship strong.
14. Giving flows from parent to child and not the other way around. The
child is to receive from the parents.
15. The child learns how to be in relationship with others through his or
her relationship with mother.
16. Living life from a place of LOVE is key – let go of fear. They can’t
both exist in the same space. Place all your fears and worries into a
decorative box – create a box or buy one and write each worry or fear on a
piece of paper and put it into the box – asking the Universe to take this worry
or this fear off your shoulders and to release you of its burden. OR you can
burn, bury, or freeze the pieces of paper to stop the energy of the worry or
fear. (Don’t do anything to harm the environment.)
17. Instead of giving your energy to worries and fears – give your energy
to love and gratitude. Start a gratitude box and every morning and evening
place a piece of paper with all the things you are grateful for or things that
brought love into your life or times when you gave love to others. This is the
energy you want to surround your own cells with and those of your developing
baby.
18. The child feels the emotions of mother from the time of conception.
The child also receives their transgenerational epigenetic emotional
inheritance if any unresolved emotional trauma is not addressed. If mother is
turned away energetically and emotionally, the child feels that from the time
of conception.
19. The child was impacted by any emotional trauma during maternal
grandmother’s pregnancy with mother. Mother had all her lifetime supply of
eggs by the time she was just 5 months in utero. This is the 3-generation
emotional impact.
20. It is never too late to do emotional healing work. The child will
pick up energetically any easing up of emotional stress and respond
accordingly.
21. We don’t come to planet Earth to have a perfect life. We come to
experience obstacles, challenges, and lessons. It is a learning opportunity
for spiritual growth. The child has their own fate and predetermined birth
contract separate from mother and will live out the life they are meant to
experience. We can lift the burdens that don’t belong to them and do our own
healing work.
The emotional healing work can begin while she is pregnant. It won’t likely be
complete. Sorry this is so long. Hope it is helpful.
Patricia Robertson
Peaceful Possibilities Consulting
Calgary Alberta Canada
patricia@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
403-474-0452
Catch my Systemic Healing blog posts at www.peacefulpossibilities.ca
