I’m going to a restaurant for Christmas Day, which goes against almost
everything in my DNA
'Santa, if you could let my dad know that I’ll be lighting a candle for
him in New York instead I’d appreciate it.'
Emer McLysaght
Dear Santa,
I’m writing because I just want to triple-check that you know I’m not
going to be at home on Christmas Eve this year, and to make sure you
know where to deliver all my presents and wishes. I know you’ll remember
me because you gave me your autograph when I was eight and we all
remarked how much your handwriting looked like my brother’s. I did think
it was odd that you also wrote, “Conor is cool” on the page, but I guess
you didn’t want him to feel left out.
I’m going to New York this Christmas Santa. I made the mistake of
telling a very old school taxi driver about my plans and he said I was a
“typical woman, going to America to shop”, but I’m actually going to
visit a very dear friend and shopping is at the absolute bottom of my
to-do list while I’m there (I mean, I’ll do a smash and grab in Sephora,
I’m not a complete animal). We’re going to a restaurant for our dinner
on Christmas Day, which goes against almost everything in my DNA but I’m
ready to feel extremely bold and cosmopolitan. I’ll try to fight off the
rest of my Irish genetic impulses and stay out of the M&M Store.
You’re absolutely mad if you think I’m not going to make a pilgrimage to
the Brenda Fricker Ceremonial Bridge in Central Park though. It’s
actually called the Gapstow Bridge but anyone with an eye in their head
can appreciate it as the location where Kevin first meets Brenda’s
iconic Pigeon Lady in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. You can even see
the Plaza Hotel from the bridge. When I heard they do a Christmas Day
buffet at the Plaza I thought that it might be the perfect spot for our
festive dinner. Then I saw the prices: €325 plus 18 per cent tip for a
carvery! You can keep your Grilled Colorado Lamb Rack with Chimichurri
Sauce, thank you very much.
How much more money must I give Apple before they never again come to me
with a warning about storage?
Anyway Santa, I digress. For Christmas this year I would love a
phone-charging cable that works for longer than three months before
becoming sad and dangerously frayed and claiming, “this accessory is not
supported by this device”. I’ve really tried to seek one out and I’ve
read lots of reviews Santa but I’m always left disappointed. In the same
vein, I’d love to never again be told that my WhatsApp can’t back itself
up because there isn’t enough storage. How much more money must I give
Apple before they never again come to me with a warning about storage?
Can you find that out for me Santa? I feel like life is too short to be
worrying for one more second about my gigabytes.
When I was about nine you brought me a red Talking Maths Computer which
at the time I was mildly affronted by because I wanted a My Little Pony
Dream Castle. However, wise man that you are you recognised that I was
not the greatest at long division and felt that the Talking Maths
Computer might be better for me in the long run. And look I did love it
in the end and became a whiz on my 12 times tables. Still though, if you
had a My Little Pony Dream Castle lying around, I wouldn’t say no.
This will be my 16th Christmas without my dad and I have always worried
that if I’m not at my childhood house to light his traditional candle to
“guide the lost souls home”, he will somehow be looking for me. So, if
you could let him know Santa that I’ll be lighting a candle for him in
New York instead I’d appreciate it. At least I don’t have to run the
gauntlet of hipflasks, nose hair trimmers, baffling monogrammed
handkerchief sets and other traditional “dad” gifts. It is the tiniest
of silver linings to be free from desperately considering yet another
beard oil or penknife-that-is-also-a-phone-charger (although if there is
one of those on the market that won’t give up after the three months
mentioned above, I’ll take it).
Mostly though Santa I would like a permanent ceasefire and peaceful
lives for the people of Palestine, for drivers in Dublin to return to
the traditions of using indicators at roundabouts and stopping at red
lights, and for the cat to stop gaslighting me about what food she
likes. I cannot watch her lick the gravy off another extortionate bowl
of meat chunks.
Thanks Santa,
Emer
Irish Times
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