Fellow SOGAGGers,
A buddy of mine (who also happens to be afflicted with the "golf bug"),
forwarded this to me. Towards the bottom, there are some very enlightening
rules for "Pandemic Golf". Thought you'd enjoy.
Please stay safe. Keep in touch with your loved ones. And take care of
yourselves.
Best wishes,
KD
March Madness is cancelled, the NBA is shut down, the Masters is postponed,
and my Aunt Marge's senior bowling has even thrown in the towel. Now
restaurants and bars are closed, and our 40-handicap governor is threatening
to shut down all entertainment facilities including golf courses. I have not
tested positive, but the coronavirus is killing me.
There is nowhere to go and nothing to do. My wife suggested we take a walk,
but I don't walk anywhere unless I have a golf club in my hand and it's cart
path only. My kids have a restraining order on us and won't let us come
within 200 yards of the grandchildren. And we can no longer eat out, but
when we tried to cook at home, there were cobwebs in the oven.
The network channels are inundated with coverage of the virus. The golf
channel has been showing reruns of old tournaments, which are almost as
riveting as watching my brother-in-law's video of his family camping trip to
Yellowstone. And my wife is so desperate for something to do, she is even
considering sex, and maybe even with me.
Paranoia is off the tracks. Before the shutdown, we were having dinner at a
local bar. I let out a loud sneeze and everyone at the surrounding tables
started yelling "check please." My stock portfolio is plummeting and most of
our cash is currently invested in toilet paper. I am washing my hands 137
times a day. I don't touch anyone. I don't even touch myself. I have been
using tongs to go to the bathroom. This has to stop.
Our society and economy have been crippled by a microscopic virus.
Scientists have not yet determined the exact origin but have narrowed it
down to a Chinese fish market or Rosie O'Donnell's bathtub. And no one is
sure how to prevent or cure it. In the past, the ways to prevent contracting
a contagious disease were simple: don't eat in restaurants with cat on the
menu and don't date my college roommate's sister.
I don't consider myself to be in the high risk category. I have been
building up my immune system by eating one meal per day at MacDonald's for
the last 25 years. Germs just slide through me. My only pre-existing
condition is an inability to launch a golf ball further than 180 yards. And,
according to the CDC, symptoms of the coronavirus are sweats, dizziness, and
trouble breathing, which I experience whenever I am standing over a 3 foot
putt. I can handle it.
So, I proposed to my regular foursome the idea of escaping from our
self-imposed Stalag 17 and venturing outside for a round of golf. Everyone
recognized the danger and severity of the situation. But when faced with the
decision to remain sequestered with our wives or to risk contracting a
deadly virus, it was a no-brainer. Every man opted to play golf.
Our foursome does not pose a medical risk to mankind. My friend, George is
virus free. Social distancing has not been a problem for him. Other than us,
he doesn't have any friends. Bob, my neighbor is a urologist who has been
working from home for several weeks. He has developed a way to do remote
prostate exams by having patients sit on their cell phone. And our other
partner, Jerry tested himself with a kit he bought online. However, he
thinks he may have gotten the wrong kit. It showed no traces of the virus
but indicated that he was pregnant with twins.
The federal government has established guidelines for social engagement.
For example, you must stay at least 6 feet apart and no more than 10 people
are allowed at a gathering, which means Patrick Reed's fan club can still
meet. In addition, our foursome drafted our own specific set of rules for
Pandemic Golf.
Rules of Play:
* . Hazmat suits are permitted. As an alternative, one can wear a
college mascot costume or big bunny pajamas.
* . Masks are not permitted, because we would look more like
stagecoach robbers than a foursome.
* . Leave the flag in. And to avoid retrieving balls from the hole,
any putt shorter than Lebron James is good.
* . Ride in separate golf carts and don't come closer to another
player than a fully extended ball retriever.
* . Don't touch another player's balls. This is always good advice.
* . No high fives. Fortunately, we seldom have a reason.
* . No petting the geese or the cart girl.
* . Don't use the spot-a-pot. More disease in there than in all of
Wuhan China.
* . No excuses. Slicing or hooking are not side effects of the
coronavirus.
* . Make an online bank transfer to pay off your bets for the day.
* . Straddle the sprinkler on the 18th hole before getting into the
car.
These rules and restrictions adequately protected us from contamination.
Unfortunately, there is no vaccine for bad golf. I had trouble gripping the
club with oven mittens, but it was an enjoyable afternoon which ended way
too soon. There were no handshakes on the 18thgreen, no beers at the bar,
and we drove home separately.
As the pandemic plays through, it is giving us a glimpse into our inevitable
future where all meals are delivered, all entertainment comes through the tv
screen, and all human interaction is through our cell phone. Where schooling
is online at home, exercise is on a stationary bike in our basement, medical
testing is done at drive thru windows, and colonoscopies are performed at
Jiffy Lube. The world is changing. It is becoming less interpersonal as
technology consumes us. So now that we have time on our hands, everyone
should take a moment to cherish this fading era, when friends still get
together to hit a little ball around an open field for no good reason other
than to enjoy the companionship of their fellow man.
Gar Wright
(cell) 619-733-3309
gar.wright77@xxxxxxxxx
