Hi Dan,
I believe, based on this posting, which I agree with for the most part,
indicates that I perhaps have a different understanding of the word empathy. I
understand the word empathy to mean 'feeling with the client" not feeling sorry
for, in the empath sense of the word, meaning, to literally feel in my own body
what the client feels, which gives me a better understanding of their
situation. I am not aware that I have parental feelings towards them as
described in the post below. However, I do believe that most, if not all, of us
that become therapists do so as we are motivated by wanting to resolve issues
from within our own family system, but that changes with maturity within the
work.
I think that the nature of human beings can be divided into two centerings:
emotionally centred and intellecutally centred individuals. We all show
characteristics of both centerings, but mostly we have a dominant way of
sensing the world. For me, being emotionally centred means that I have a
natural tendency to feel what others feel, but that doesn't translate into
'feeling sorry for', but what it does translate into is an abilitry to feel the
system as if it were my own, whilst at the same time being simply the observer.
However, when faced with a woman who had a still bron child then her husband
committed suicide, or a woman that killed her own son in order to spare him the
fate of being burned alive in a concentration camp, one cannot, actually I,
could not help but shed a tear. Does this make me their mother? Or simply
human? Whilst I have deep respect for Bert and his work, and seeing him live
has left me at times with the impression that he is a 'genius', I have also at
the same time found him to be especially harsh, condescending and brutal,
especially with women. For example, telling a woman "you are schizophrenic,
there is no hope for you, I can't work with you" in front of 400 plus people in
Ft Lauderdale some 2,5 yrs ago. I literally gasped from shock.
I think there is a very fine balance between being too involved with our
clients and being too detached and cold, and between wanting to assist and
wanting to rescue. Feeling what our client feels does not necessarily lead us
into the trap of wanting to rescue our client, but it does arm us with a deeper
understanding of who they are and I feel that with practice, it is possible to
be empathetic and the observer simultaneously.
Over the years I've worked with a number of practitioners of Barbara Brennan
Healing Science, Carol Kulig, who you have met, is one of them. When they work
with a client they literally align their vibration with that of the client, in
a way, becoming the client, then from that perspective they begin the work of
healing. From what I know, it takes a lot of training to be able to do this. As
part of my own training, I teach my students how to be fully a representative
and how to observe the work at the same time, with some practice, they are able
to do this very well, it is the same principle. In doing this, as students,
they can feel the problem and feel the solution and what works in their bodies,
which is a great learning tool. In doing this, they are able to gain a far
deeper understanding of healing sentences, knowing that healing sentences are
much more than just words, they are the language of the soul, which in
themselves express an energy that is introduced into the system.
That's all for now,
John
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----- Original Message -----
From: Dan Booth Cohen
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sent: Tuesday, September 13, 2005 3:34 AM
Subject: RE: [ConstellationTalk] Empathy
Here are some notes from Bert Hellinger on empathy in NYC, October, 2004. Dan
Some of those in the "helping professions" are children who want to help
their parents, especially their mother. This is true of those therapists who
are most eager. Then the client becomes a mother and both the therapist and the
client can no longer grow. Such a relationship lasts a very long time. It
satisfies a mutual emotional need and this need has taken charge of their
lives. Everything has to fail in the end.
A therapist shows empathy. What is the model of empathy? The love of a parent
for a child. If a therapist is empathic like this model, he or she is
vulnerable and can be used by a client. Such a therapist is open to attack. To
refrain from this kind of empathy is difficult. In this instance, the client is
in control of the therapy. The client uses such an empathic therapist to avoid
change.
If you follow my principles, you have empathy for the system as a whole, not
the client as an individual. When you help, you are shifted away from your
ideas of what it is to help. You see the movements of the soul. Here the soul
of the family and the souls of each individual are in charge.
Here there is no burnout. Where there's burnout, it is a futile relationship.
The helper must feel best. That's the indicator of "success."
