Here are some notes from Bert Hellinger on empathy in NYC, October, 2004.
Dan
Some of those in the "helping professions" are children who want to help
their parents, especially their mother. This is true of those therapists who
are most eager. Then the client becomes a mother and both the therapist and
the client can no longer grow. Such a relationship lasts a very long time.
It satisfies a mutual emotional need and this need has taken charge of their
lives. Everything has to fail in the end.
A therapist shows empathy. What is the model of empathy? The love of a
parent for a child. If a therapist is empathic like this model, he or she is
vulnerable and can be used by a client. Such a therapist is open to attack.
To refrain from this kind of empathy is difficult. In this instance, the
client is in control of the therapy. The client uses such an empathic
therapist to avoid change.
If you follow my principles, you have empathy for the system as a whole, not
the client as an individual. When you help, you are shifted away from your
ideas of what it is to help. You see the movements of the soul. Here the
soul of the family and the souls of each individual are in charge.
Here there is no burnout. Where there's burnout, it is a futile
relationship. The helper must feel best. That's the indicator of "success."
-----Original Message-----
From: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx] On Behalf Of Family
Constellations
Sent: Monday, September 12, 2005 3:36 AM
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: Re: [ConstellationTalk] Adoption - Now prisons.....
Hi Dan,
My responses between your paragraphs.................
Hi All - The views on compassion and empathy connect to our parallel
discussion about transference/counter transference. When I work, I rarely
feel either empathy or compassion. I feel more like a white-water rafting
guide, who needs to be focused and skillful, but aware that the river is
moving the boat beyond my control. I often feel awed and amazed but what
emerges, as the river takes an unexpected turn and the constellated scene
becomes exquisite and filled with powerful emotions and insights.
Empathy and compassion sometimes feel like traps that draw me into an
inappropriate relationship with the client. The therapeutic stance in
client-centered therapy is begins with empathy for the client. Without
fully understanding my reasons, I avoid empathy with my clients,
particularly when I am facilitating. For example, the incarcerated men I
see every month have become dear to me. I have a great deal of affection
and respect for them, but I can't say I understand what they feel nor feel
what they feel. Nor would I want to. When we work together, we are in a
secured room, observed by armed guards, surrounded by tall walls, guard
towers and razor wire. Their guilt and its consequences are always very
present. It's important that I not feel sorry for them or treat them like
children. As Eva Madelung has written, "The dignity of the perpetrator lies
in his guilt." I want to avoid restoring their good conscience; better that
they carry their bad conscience with strength and dignity. That is really
something special.
Firstly I commend you for working in prisons, it is not something I could
imagine myself doing, I think it takes a very special kind of person to
undertake such work. I find some of your comments a little surprising,
especially about avoiding empathy and your statement of not wanting to feel
what they feel? I have personally found the role of being a representative
especially valuable in terms of understanding many of the situations I have
had the priviliedge of dealing with, for example, I've represented an
autistic child a number of times and now 'recognise' the energy when it
presents itself. Also, in terms of perpetrators, I've also clearly seen that
one single act of crime or violence or murder does not dfefine the entire
person, but simply a part of them, as they still love those that are dear
for them, and for the most part, have a deep longing for their mother
ortheir father. Knwing this enables me to see that there is a possibility
for them to reach for their 'better' selves and express this. This doesn't
mean that they become absolved of their 'sins', to the contrary, it
strenghtens their ability to hold their guilt with more strength and dignity
as they realise that they are still human and can aslo be more in touch with
the pain they have caused others. As a facilitator I find it very important
to create opportunities where I can stand in as a representative for
situations that I either have little personal expereince of, or that present
themselves time and again in workshops.
I once worked with a man that had been involved in torturing suspected
terrorists as part of South Africa's campaign in Angola some years ago. It
was not until his parents were brought into the constellation and he could
feel their outpouring of love could he then look at his victims directly and
have the strength to carry his own guilt. In essnece, the presence of his
parents made him human again and in becoming human, he could feel his heart
and also see the Angolans as human. My experience of violent men is that
they have lost their humanity and their ability to touch love along the way,
mostly for systemic reasons. Rather than point out 'look what you've done'
as the frist step, I feel it is important to allow them to feel 'look what
I've become/look what I've lost" first. In this way, as they become human
again, they aslo begin to see their victims as humans too and thus able to
mourn as one. Of course, the context of my work, dealing with war crimes,
may indeed be very different to working with criminals in the normal sense
of the word, but somehow, I feel it would be very similar....so just some
thoughts.
I doubt this is all based on any kind of special understanding. Maybe I
just don't experience myself as a particularly empathic or compassionate
person. So it could just be my way of rationalizing how I already am. Then
again, I recently heard an audio recording of a Constellation I led several
months ago. How I sounded on tape was nothing like the inner image I'm
presenting. I was incredibly paternalistic, speaking to the client in the
same tone and manner that I speak to my daughters, caring, totally attentive
and concerned, there to take good care of them. So perhaps all I've said
above is just my own nonsense talking.
Indeed, perhaps.
Thanks for sharing Dan,
John
*************************************************************************
The South African Institute for Family Constellations
Tel: 011 614 0821
www.familyconstellations.net
NEW BOOK: "The Healing of Individuals, Families and Nations"
Details: www.familyconstellations.net/newbook.htm
Dan
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