Good conversation…I love the different points of view…there is no right or
wrong move.
I was really touched with your post Brigitte and the bellow poem and “Don't
help its hard enough “ … It reminds me when Hellinger said on DVD : Imagine
that you are concern about someone, then withdraw your concern and stay
present…. That speaks to me…. Thanks you All for your posts..Maria
Being human and ordinary, we will often fail
to love the whole , the dark, and the difficult parts.
We will always try to avoid something.
We will tremble. We will be blind.
We will be uncertain. We will continue to hurt
one another and miss the essential.
We will always need mercy and compassion.
Hi Everyone,
I'd like to tell you a story.
When I came to Australia 20 years ago - I just had left a career as a
clinical psychologist in Germany - I started my practice with a focus on
couple and relationship counselling.
I was initially very surprised when the first question asked was often "Do
you work with children?" Being fairly new to the Australian culture, I
thought there is a real concern for children's well being in this society
different from where I came from. But what I also discovered over time was
the tendency to look for solutions to "fix" the child(ren) outside of the
relational and systemic reality the parents are co-creating or are part of. I
usually say I work with children only in the family or the systems context
and prefer to work with the responsible adult(s).
I would start with thinking about the relationship you, Andrew, have with
your friend and how much you want to help him to have an easier relationship
with his son and how much anxiety the (un)expressed anger and hurt of the
child causes the parents and the wider system. There is a danger working with
(on) the child of creating more of what we don't want, not by what we "do"
necessarily, but by how we "are", how we define the relationship between the
adult and the child, behaving as if the past might matter more than the
presence.
As the communities in our western societies increasingly fragment and we rely
on technology more than on each other I am observing in parents an increasing
pressure and disorientation regarding the "right" way to parent. I'd like to
create more understanding and support for the parens in their impossible task
of "getting it right" by learning and practising presence and
self-acceptance.
I know that you didn't ask for therapy or constellation with the boy or the
father. It just occurred to me that in our tendency to help we don't
recognise "the crack where the light gets in". I remember that one of my
teachers in systemic therapy in Germany had in big letters on his wall "Don't
help it's hard enough". Remembering this still gives me a little kick out of
my professional helper role.
But we will always need each other to illuminate our individual and
collective blind spots.
I love how Gunilla Norris put it
Being human and ordinary, we will often fail
to love the whole , the dark, and the difficult parts.
We will always try to avoid something.
We will tremble. We will be blind.
We will be uncertain. We will continue to hurt
one another and miss the essential.
We will always need mercy and compassion.
I love systemic constellation work but I am getting uncomfortable when we
think it is THE solution.
Now, this is only my story. This is not yours. I am making my contribution,
adding a piece to the puzzle to our , not more, not less.
All the best
Brigitte
On Wed, Mar 11, 2015 at 6:40 AM, Mariko Schmidtauer
mariko.schmidtauer@xxxxxxxxx
[ConstellationTalk]<ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
I have held some individual constellations with a friend of mine for his son
over the past years. I did not work directly with his son.
His son had a hard time making friends, fitting in and communicating without
anger. He was even kicked out of school. I'm not implying that therapy is
needed, but we have seen a shift in this young boy. It seems like he had
taken on what was not his and was struggling.
I like you approach to working directly with the child and would love to hear
more. I second that you follow your feelings. Checking in it feels "right"
and like you are on to something that more children could benefit from.
I have an image come up of a friend of mine who works with pre-schoolers. I
love how she sings songs with them about emotions and what to do e.g. when
you feel anger use your words, when you feel sad allow the tears and all the
key emotions are covered... when they see one of them have an emotions they
sing the song or remind each other that it is "an emotion" and there are ways
to deal with them.
Blessings to you with this,
please let us know how it goes,
with aloha from Hawaii,
Mariko
On Tue, Mar 10, 2015 at 9:12 AM, Alison Fornes maitreya71@xxxxxxxxx
[ConstellationTalk]<ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
I second Sarah's comment, and hope that you do follow it and report to us!
I would recommend googling sand tray/play therapy as an additional resource.
It might be good inspiration.
And, I would also say that a constellation for the family could be helpful.
My youngest, who is 5 now, has had history of unusually angry outbursts. When
I made contact with an "angry ancestor", while it didn't magically fix
things, it was helpful and brought a new level of compassion to my parenting.
On Tuesday, March 10, 2015, 'Sarah Priest' Sarah@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[ConstellationTalk] <ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
Not familiar with working with a small child BUT it sounds like you have a
brilliant inspiration. I get the feeling you should go with your feelings
about it – you obviously care deeply.
From: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx] ;
Sent: Tuesday, March 10, 2015 4:31 AM
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: [ConstellationTalk] Has anyone used "constellations" to help kids
communicate?
Hi everyone,
I have a friend with a 4-year old son who often gets angry and
frustrated. Often, it simply sounds like he's being a four year-old. But
other times there is a buried hurt inside the anger which he is just too
young to recognise, let alone verbalise.
So I am curious, if anyone has experience of using the methods of
individual constellations to help children communicate things they don't
know how to communicate.
Please note, I'm NOT enquiring about doing a therapeutic constellation
either with the little boy or for him. I don't think anyone involved
needs therapy.
Rather, I'm interested if there is a way of using markers on the floor -
cushions or coloured felts etc - to convert communication about feelings
from the realm of talk, which he is years away from mastering, into the
realm of movement.
For example, I could imagine starting with a game with felt markers for
eg the characters in "The Cat in the Hat" [
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Cat_in_the_Hat ] and say eg "OK, so ;
the boy is HERE and the girl is HERE and the cat is THERE, where would
the fish be?" [the fish is angry and afraid]. And so introduce the
notion of position relating to emotions.
Has anyone any experience of this?
Best regards to all
Andrew
--
It is the courageous heart that loves. It is the loving heart that heals.
alisonfornes.com
--
Mariko Schmidtauer
Life-Coaching & Constellations
Mobile: +1 (808)265-9995
mariko.schmidtauer@xxxxxxxxx
www.MarikosALOHA.com
--
HEARTinCONTEXT
Co-Creating an Integrated
World from the Inside Out
Brigitte Kupfer
PO Box 615
Hurstbridge
VIC 3099
AUSTRALIA
0061-(0)426 505 920
skype: brigitte.alma.marie
http://au.linkedin.com/in/brigittekupfer
“I tore myself away from the safe comfort of certainties through my love for
truth – and truth rewarded me.” - Simone de Beauvoir
