(Thanks for all the great input. I have revised the draft along the lines
that were suggested. These are the types of exchanges that make our
community especially enriching for me. I trust that many of our silent
partners reading along are also appreciative the learning. - Dan)
The Family Constellation approach originated in Europe in the 1990s and is
gradually gaining recognition and acceptance in the U.S. In a Family
Constellation circle, one person presents an urgent personal issue, such as
"I can't control my anger," or "My marriage is falling apart."
With the help of a facilitator and the group, the "seeker" sets up
representatives, similar to a psychodrama. Unlike psychodrama, once the
representatives are placed, they do not pose, act or roleplay. At first
they stand silent and still. This allows them to tune in to feelings and
physical sensations that mirror consonance and dissonance that relate to the
issue.
By observing this simple "constellation" of figures, the seeker perceives a
hidden pattern. In many cases, this pattern is an echo of
trans-generational trauma that draw the seeker to unconsciously repeat or
atone for events from the past. In this view, "my anger" or "my broken
marriage" lives within a larger field. As the image emerges, the
representatives are allowed to speak minimally and move slowly. The aim is
to generate a powerful release of the issue. Many seekers report that in
the months that follow, the issue gets better or even resolves entirely.
Most of these issues lead back to the family of origin. For those of us who
recall unhappy childhoods, being the daughter or son of our mother and
father carries a heavy measure of sorrow. Not that this is the whole story;
our feelings for our parents are multi-layered and complex.
In troubled families, the surface is like turbulent white water on a surging
river. Being still and silent, while maintaining sharp awareness, enables
us to sink below the raging disturbances of the surface to make contact with
the currents below.
As an example, one pattern that appears in with some frequency is the seeker
has a parent whose resources and capacities were diminished, even crushed,
by the legacy of being their parents' child. These stories have nearly
infinite variety, but contain common themes of traumatic events, tragic
deaths, and incomplete movements towards healing.
When we see our mother or father in the broader tableau of family history,
we recognize that the surface chaos is above a deeper systemic current that
moves steadily, irresistibly in one direction. In this context, we can
appreciate that despite everything that came before, and all the obstacles
and challenges of circumstance, they did their best for their children. We
might rightly judge their "Best" as insufficient and destructive, but in the
larger context of being, we recognize that they gave as much as they had.
Another familiar pattern is the parent who turns his or her back on their
partner and children. Again, this inexplicable behavior floats above a
relentless hidden undercurrent. In our lives, this parent may be present or
absent, dangerously close or long gone and forgotten, but underneath, first
their attention and then their physical beings are drawn far away. This
disconnection is often an expression of a yearning to recover or reconnect
with someone who has been lost. Like the quest for the elusive Grail, they
leave behind what is truly theirs to pursue what cannot be reached.
Constellations can uncover a healing movement for the worst problems. What
sooths all this discord is to hear the steady bass line that plays below our
particular version of the Blues. For better and worse, we vibrate with the
frequency of our mother and father as long as we breathe. There is no
choice and no escape, for our breath itself has its source in them.
Incapable parents hit many false notes, but this needn't be the dominant
melody we play over and over in our minds. In a Constellation we can
perceive and accept that all 88 keys - the high notes and the low - are part
of the music of life. Our mother and father danced to a tune not of their
making, which remains part of our tune as well.
When we accept our life as given to us, by two imperfect beings, without
accusation or blaming, we can also take in the love and vitality that is our
birthright. Each conception was a "yes" to life, and deep down, it does not
matter how our parents behaved then or now. What is most important is that
we connect to them in a way that allows the love that flows from far back to
reach us.
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