This is a fascinating and revealing conversation, thank you to everyone for
their insights.
What would the healing words/set up be in order to redefine the balance for the
person doing all of the giving, or in the family system?
Warm regards and thanks
Tracy
From: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx] On Behalf Of Kay Needham
Sent: Monday, 25 October 2010 5:59 AM
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: Re: [ConstellationTalk] innocence
Hello Annie, Dan and Chris,
The term innocence feeds off anothers guilt it actually takes from another.
This
is an action directed at a particular individual or to a community as way of
surviving and taking fully what the other has, in order to ensure survival of a
group. Let us speak about personal one on one interactions. When a person gives
something to another person we say he or she is in a place of guilt.
Sometimes when a child grows up in an abusive home where it is not safe to take
from the parent, then that child is fearful of receiving. The child learns to
give to the parent and later in life continues to self protect by always giving
and not receiving. This is sometimes seen in the deepest core of the child as a
life preserving instinct and intuition. Someone who is always allowing others
to
receive from them but always refuses to take anything to rebalance the
relationship also refuses to honour the integrity of this life sustaining force
within the child. This makes them guilty and out of order. Of course the child
is not aware of itself yet and is also guilty and out of order. The movement of
the child is not so much based in fear as it is, based in tremendous courage,
strength and life preserving instinct and intuition that resists toxic
parenting. A therapist who takes this stand of interpreting fear ignoring a
higher good in all: is dangerous and guilty of toxic therapeutic transferance
which perpetuates the problem.....because it is more interested in the problem
than it is the solution.
Sometimes the innocent person emotionally begins to get in touch with their
guilt. Of course this is connected to a personal and family dynamic that has
been refusing responsability for growth of consciousness for generations. As
Dan referred to, the depression that also often accompanies people who are
stuck
in innocence is perpetuating the pattern and perpetrating lifeforce in the
present. When the pattern is brought into awareness then there is the choice to
see it or not see it.
Because of conditional giving and taking bonded by agreement, in a field of
belonging; the person is left weightless, ungrounded with no roots into earth,
personal power and life force. Constant imitation ensures the constant giver
has
lost themself. They become a victim to their very own perpetrator. This creates
a self consuming circle that attempts to put the survival of the pattern (ego)
above survival of life force. This is not in a loving exchange with life
itself.
It is a direction that moves to death.
Hellinger also speaks of the need to balance when a harm has been done. In this
case, the egotistical survival pattern has taken something (imitating)without
the permission of the giver(the greater force.) The false has taken from the
real. The false exists at the expense of life itself. Out of
order.............so it goes on.
My suggestion is that when you really want to get to the heart of understanding
and perceiving......... those patterns need to be interrupted.
So today I hope you take time to just "be" in simple quiet time. Let all
things
in your mind flow like a river as you float towards the ocean of life.
Blessings and love and may you find your courageous heart beyond the current
pattern that keeps love blind.
Sadhana
________________________________
From: anni <annimukkala@xxxxxxxx <mailto:annimukkala%40yahoo.ca> >
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
<mailto:ConstellationTalk%40yahoogroups.com>
Sent: Sun, October 24, 2010 2:26:49 AM
Subject: [ConstellationTalk] innocence
The term innocence in systemic observation is a word that describes a situation
in which a person has given to another. It might be an action directed at a
particular individual or to a community. Let us here speak about personal one
on
one interactions. When a person gives something to another person we say he or
she is in a place of innocence.
Sometimes when a child grows up in an abusive home where it is not safe to take
from the parent then that child is fearful of receiving. The child learns to
give to the parent and later in life continues to self-protect by always giving
and not receiving. This is sometimes seen in the relationship in what sometimes
is referred to as an enabler. Someone who is always allowing others to receive
from them but is never expecting to take anything to rebalance the
relationship.
The innocent person is not only not expecting anything but in fact is not
willing to take anything. This is a lack of movement based in fear.
Sometimes the innocent person emotionally feels a lot of resentment. Of course,
this is connected to a family dynamic that has been affecting the family system
often for generations. As Dan referred to, the depression that also often
accompanies people who are stuck in innocence is a generational pattern. When
the pattern is brought into awareness then there is the possibility of shifts
in
the person. Although this is simple to say and to see, it is often a difficult
process.
Without balance of both giving and taking the person is left in some kind of an
nearly weightless situation. The constant giver eventually actually feels as
though they have lost themselves. In some ways there are similarities to the
victim who has had things taken from him or her. In either case, there is a
loss
of what we might call weight on the scale. With the exception of the
parent-child relationship, balance is the key to what we might call love. Love
is an interaction. It is a balancing of give and take between persons. The
person who is only giving is never really in a place of the exchange of love.
Love cannot exist without exchange. Exchange or sharing or call it what you
will, is the essence of the nature of love. The person who remains in only the
place of innocence and never guilt, as defined in systemic terminology is not
in
loving exchange.
Hellinger also speaks of the need to balance when a harm has been done. In this
case, something has been taken without permission of the giver. To re-balance,
the one who has had something taken will need to take something or accept
something from the other. You will see this happen in the little exchanges of
persons during any time together. A young man, for instance, does a small
inconsiderate action. Let us say he comes to bed late and wakes his young wife
by turning on the light in the room. She has to be up early for work and this
takes from her some of her needed sleep. To re-balance taking from her, instead
of smiling or ignoring him, she scrunches up her face and sticks her tongue out
at him. The effect of this is to re-balance. She might be less dramatic but I
have used this example to try to explain what it means to re-balance a harm. A
harm is when someone takes something, such as sleep time, from someone else. We
do this kind of thing all the time. Everyone of us. We rob someone of their
dignity when we walk down the street and make a rude internal comment about
their clothing or appearance. We rob someone of dignity when we see that they
are homeless and immediately negatively judge them to be lazy or a drunk. In my
case, I often see a man well-dressed in a business suit and have a feeling of
distaste and resentment....this is a harm that I do. It is based on some early
abuse I had where my own person was harmed by someone and now I 'harm' a
well-dressed man by judging him to be deceptive. It comes from my history and
ultimately from my family history but it is something that I have done when I
encounter someone that reminds me of the past. Hellinger calls this our
murderous intent. That is a very strong word also but it is used in the sense
that we either want to move into a position of fear and judge someone badly or
we can move into a postion of love and see them simply as they are at this
moment. From a position of love, we can see the real situation and not be
triggered into making choices based in fear. Often the person who wants to stay
innocent or to stay in guilt makes fear based decisions. I do. It is very hard
to always be in a love based exchange but I hope that it is what we work
toward.
I hope that we want to reach into love deeper and into fear less. All these
things are inter-related. Fear and depression and guilt and innocence and
victim
and perpetrator.
My suggestion is that when you really want to get to the heart of understanding
and perceiving, you will find the answers in your own heart and not in the
mind.
The heart is the place that sorts out all of the rational ideas we have
floating
around in our minds and allows us to have a depth of understanding that
surpasses what the mind can teach or what others can teach. I ramble and you
may
get a glimpse but without time spent in your heart...sometimes we call this
mediation or prayer or quiet or comtemplation.......then it will not become
anything more than a theory or someone elses knowledge. To know something a
person needs to know it in their own heart.
So today, I hope you take the time to just "be" in simple quiet time. Let all
things in your mind flow like a river as you float toward the ocean of life.
Blessings and love and may you find your courageous heart. Anni
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