The term innocence in systemic observation is a word that describes a situation
in which a person has given to another. It might be an action directed at a
particular individual or to a community. Let us here speak about personal one
on one interactions. When a person gives something to another person we say he
or she is in a place of innocence.
Sometimes when a child grows up in an abusive home where it is not safe to take
from the parent then that child is fearful of receiving. The child learns to
give to the parent and later in life continues to self-protect by always giving
and not receiving. This is sometimes seen in the relationship in what
sometimes is referred to as an enabler. Someone who is always allowing others
to receive from them but is never expecting to take anything to rebalance the
relationship. The innocent person is not only not expecting anything but in
fact is not willing to take anything. This is a lack of movement based in
fear.
Sometimes the innocent person emotionally feels a lot of resentment. Of course,
this is connected to a family dynamic that has been affecting the family system
often for generations. As Dan referred to, the depression that also often
accompanies people who are stuck in innocence is a generational pattern. When
the pattern is brought into awareness then there is the possibility of shifts
in the person. Although this is simple to say and to see, it is often a
difficult process.
Without balance of both giving and taking the person is left in some kind of an
nearly weightless situation. The constant giver eventually actually feels as
though they have lost themselves. In some ways there are similarities to the
victim who has had things taken from him or her. In either case, there is a
loss of what we might call weight on the scale. With the exception of the
parent-child relationship, balance is the key to what we might call love. Love
is an interaction. It is a balancing of give and take between persons. The
person who is only giving is never really in a place of the exchange of love.
Love cannot exist without exchange. Exchange or sharing or call it what you
will, is the essence of the nature of love. The person who remains in only the
place of innocence and never guilt, as defined in systemic terminology is not
in loving exchange.
Hellinger also speaks of the need to balance when a harm has been done. In
this case, something has been taken without permission of the giver. To
re-balance, the one who has had something taken will need to take something or
accept something from the other. You will see this happen in the little
exchanges of persons during any time together. A young man, for instance, does
a small inconsiderate action. Let us say he comes to bed late and wakes his
young wife by turning on the light in the room. She has to be up early for
work and this takes from her some of her needed sleep. To re-balance taking
from her, instead of smiling or ignoring him, she scrunches up her face and
sticks her tongue out at him. The effect of this is to re-balance. She might
be less dramatic but I have used this example to try to explain what it means
to re-balance a harm. A harm is when someone takes something, such as sleep
time, from someone else. We do this kind of thing all the time. Everyone of
us. We rob someone of their dignity when we walk down the street and make a
rude internal comment about their clothing or appearance. We rob someone of
dignity when we see that they are homeless and immediately negatively judge
them to be lazy or a drunk. In my case, I often see a man well-dressed in a
business suit and have a feeling of distaste and resentment....this is a harm
that I do. It is based on some early abuse I had where my own person was
harmed by someone and now I 'harm' a well-dressed man by judging him to be
deceptive. It comes from my history and ultimately from my family history but
it is something that I have done when I encounter someone that reminds me of
the past. Hellinger calls this our murderous intent. That is a very strong
word also but it is used in the sense that we either want to move into a
position of fear and judge someone badly or we can move into a postion of love
and see them simply as they are at this moment. From a position of love, we
can see the real situation and not be triggered into making choices based in
fear. Often the person who wants to stay innocent or to stay in guilt makes
fear based decisions. I do. It is very hard to always be in a love based
exchange but I hope that it is what we work toward. I hope that we want to
reach into love deeper and into fear less. All these things are inter-related.
Fear and depression and guilt and innocence and victim and perpetrator.
My suggestion is that when you really want to get to the heart of understanding
and perceiving, you will find the answers in your own heart and not in the
mind. The heart is the place that sorts out all of the rational ideas we have
floating around in our minds and allows us to have a depth of understanding
that surpasses what the mind can teach or what others can teach. I ramble and
you may get a glimpse but without time spent in your heart...sometimes we call
this mediation or prayer or quiet or comtemplation.......then it will not
become anything more than a theory or someone elses knowledge. To know
something a person needs to know it in their own heart.
So today, I hope you take the time to just "be" in simple quiet time. Let all
things in your mind flow like a river as you float toward the ocean of life.
Blessings and love and may you find your courageous heart. Anni
