Orders of Love Revisited
What Bert Hellinger labeled the 'Orders of Love,' aren't actually about
love at all. They would be better called, Orders of Survival. Hierarchy
between parents and children, belonging to the group and bonding between
couples are mammalian in origin and actually have little to do with
love. They are functional survival strategies. They help the group, the
individual and his or her genetic lineage to survive.
If one thinks of humans as a pack of wild dogs, hierarchy, belonging and
bonding make perfect sense. They all aid survival. That is why when we
do something that is against an order, we feel that we are doing
something wrong and it feels threatening. For a member of the pack it is
dangerous to go against the top dog. It is dangerous to leave the pack
and be isolated by a bigger predator. If we do not successfully mate and
bond, our lineage ends.
Actual love is not based on behavior. That is the confusion that
children have when they think that if they don't do the 'right' thing,
that they are not loved. Love comes from presence. When presence meets
presence, love flows. When a child is not met by presence, they learn
that love is a business deal. You will love me if I do what is right. I
will love you if you behave the way I want you to.
The term Giving and Taking is also not accurate when it comes to
children. More accurate would be giving by the parents and receiving by
the children. Taking is too active for an infant. If the child doesn't
learn how to passively receive, it is generally because either the
parents are not there, are dangerous or else what is coming through the
parents systemically is threatening. Then the child is right to move
away from the parents.
Taking is an active process that is later in development than receiving.
If the child doesn't learn how to passively receive, later in life he or
she may have difficulty taking – taking their place as an adult in life.
And with difficulty taking, they will have difficulty giving – giving
their gift to the world.
All love.
Thomas Bryson
tb@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Facilitation, training and counseling in person or by Skype.
