Hi Constellators,,,
Over 50 responses on shame and continuing ... I'm loving this exchange.
Karla McLaren has many works in various forms (talks, videos, workshops, card
decks, books) on our emotions. She blogs about them as well. Basically her take
is if we have an emotion it has survived evolutionary pruning because it serves
a purpose. Positioned rightly in the inner theater and dynamics of our
living-emotional experiences they have a purpose and serve our well-being.
Ranking emotions or sorting them in any way into "prefer" vs "avoid" categories
disrupts they system and leaves us exposed to unpleasant surprises from the
emotions we have downgraded.
Here is her blog on the gifts of shame:
http://karlamclaren.com/the-gifts-of-shame/ ;
http://karlamclaren.com/the-gifts-of-shame/ ;
First, I take guilt out of the shame equation, because it’s a weasel word in
relation to shame. Shame, which is often thrown at us or pressed onto us by
others, can be so overwhelming that we’ll take a detour and say, “I feel
guilty” rather than naming the emotion and saying “I feel ashamed of myself.”
But here’s the problem with that: guilt isn’t an emotion; it’s a legal fact.
Either you’ve done something wrong and you’re guilty, or you’re innocent and
not guilty. Emotions don’t enter into it.
What you feel when you’ve done something wrong is shame: the rush of heat,
the clenching feeling that stops you from talking or acting … it can be
miserably uncomfortable. So no wonder we weasel around it and avoid it and
refuse to listen to it.
But that’s a mistake, because shame, which is anger at yourself, is the
primary emotion that makes you honorable and capable of being a worthy
relationship partner, colleague, and mensch.
... For today, let’s welcome our authentic shame with open arms and learn about
the gifts it brings us!
The Gifts of Shame: Restoring Integrity
Integrity ~ Atonement ~ Self-respect ~ The capacity to amend your behavior
Shame is a form of anger that arises when your boundaries have been broken
from the inside – by something you’ve done wrong, or have been convinced is
wrong. While anger is the honorable sentry that faces outward and protects your
boundaries from external damage, shame is the sentry that faces inward and
protects your internal boundaries (and the boundaries of others) from your own
incorrect or ill-conceived behaviors.
Shame is a vital and irreplaceable emotion that helps you mature into a
conscious and well-regulated person. …
--------------
What I like is her dogged insistence that every emotion brings us gifts and
then outlining what those gifts are. For shame it is "a form of anger that
arises when your boundaries have been broken from the inside - by something
you’ve done wrong, or have been convinced [by others] is wrong."
In her card deck and book she lists two questions: (1) Who has been hurt? (2)
What must be made right? I think this is very close to one of the 12 Steps in
the various Anonymous groups dealing with addictions.
It's a long post; I encourage you to follow the link and read it in its
entirety.
John Perkins
Seattle WA USA
