Thanks John,
I agree with the idea that every emotion has adaptive value including shame.
I don't agree that shame is inner directed anger. I think that is a
reaction to shame which can let to a toxic spiral of self blame. When
McLaren describes a clenching feeling that stops you from talking or acting
she is actually describing the attack self reaction to shame. Pure shame
does not give a clenching feeling. It causes a collapsing feeling with a
loss of tone.She need to sit with the clenching feeling for longer, without
trying to think her way through it, so that she can experience the pure
shame underneath.
I agree that guilt is not an emotion. I disagree about it being a code word
for shame. Guilt is not just a legal concept. There is in fact a felt sense
of guilt which appears when our belonging to a group or an important other
is under threat. It is a survival signal like pain is a survival signal.
Guilt can elicit shame but it may not. It can also elicit anxiety or
distress or a combination of any of these emotions.
There is a seriousdanger inherent in Karla McLaren's misconception. It's a
pity when someone comes so close to the mark and then misses, because it
will turn people away from a very helpful understanding. Inherent in her
understanding of shame is that you have done something wrong. That is
clearly not true.
You can easily experience shame when something has gone awry in you
interaction with someone else. You can experience shame even when someone
makes a false accusation for example. In the mild form, that I call
dampening, it can be elicited just by an activity going wrong where no-one
else is directly involved. For instance if you go to fix a tap and fail,
you may experience a moment of loss of energy and despondency, where you
lose energy and can't think clearly for a moment. That is
phenomenologically the same as shame and serves the same adaptive purpose
of helping us to reorient our energy and efforts.
On the occasions you have actually behaved badly, McLaren's model almost
works, even with the fundamental flaw of explaining shame as inward
directed anger. For people who have been severely traumatised and have
internallised toxic shame it is totally counterproductive and just takes
them deeper into attacking themselves and further removes them from
connecting to the adaptive value of shame.
Cheers
Chris Walsh
Melbourne, Australia
ph +61 (0)3 9420 1425
www.cwalsh.com.au
On Fri, Mar 25, 2016 at 4:25 AM, lynxdn@xxxxxxxxx [ConstellationTalk] <
ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
Hi Constellators,,,
Over 50 responses on shame and continuing ... I'm loving this exchange.
Karla McLaren has many works in various forms (talks, videos, workshops,
card decks, books) on our emotions. She blogs about them as well. Basically
her take is if we have an emotion it has survived evolutionary pruning
because it serves a purpose. Positioned rightly in the inner theater and
dynamics of our living-emotional experiences they have a purpose and serve
our well-being. Ranking emotions or sorting them in any way into "prefer"
vs "avoid" categories disrupts they system and leaves us exposed to
unpleasant surprises from the emotions we have downgraded.
Here is her blog on the gifts of shame:
http://karlamclaren.com/the-gifts-of-shame/
First, I take guilt out of the shame equation, because it’s a weasel word
in relation to shame. Shame, which is often thrown at us or pressed onto us
by others, can be so overwhelming that we’ll take a detour and say, “I feel
guilty” rather than naming the emotion and saying “I feel ashamed of
myself.” But here’s the problem with that: guilt isn’t an emotion; it’s a
legal fact. Either you’ve done something wrong and you’re guilty, or you’re
innocent and not guilty. Emotions don’t enter into it.
What you *feel *when you’ve done something wrong is shame: the rush
of heat, the clenching feeling that stops you from talking or acting … it
can be miserably uncomfortable. So no wonder we weasel around it and avoid
it and refuse to listen to it.
But that’s a mistake, because shame, which is anger at yourself, is
the primary emotion that makes you honorable and capable of being a worthy
relationship partner, colleague, and mensch.
... For today, let’s welcome our authentic shame with open arms and learn
about the gifts it brings us!
*The Gifts of Shame: Restoring Integrity*
* Integrity ~ Atonement ~ Self-respect ~ The capacity to amend your
behavior*
Shame is a form of anger that arises when your boundaries have been broken
from the inside – by something you’ve done wrong, or have been convinced is
wrong. While anger is the honorable sentry that faces outward and protects
your boundaries from external damage, shame is the sentry that faces inward
and protects your internal boundaries (and the boundaries of others) from
your own incorrect or ill-conceived behaviors.
Shame is a vital and irreplaceable emotion that helps you mature into
a conscious and well-regulated person. …
--------------
What I like is her dogged insistence that every emotion brings us gifts
and then outlining what those gifts are. For shame it is "a form of anger
that arises when your boundaries have been broken from the inside - by
something you’ve done wrong, or have been convinced [by others] is wrong."
In her card deck and book she lists two questions: (1) Who has been hurt?
(2) What must be made right? I think this is very close to one of the 12
Steps in the various Anonymous groups dealing with addictions.
It's a long post; I encourage you to follow the link and read it in its
entirety.
John Perkins
Seattle WA USA
