Dear Leslie, and the multitude of powerful teachers who have been sharing of
late on Constellation Talk. I am, with Kenneth Edwin Sloan, completing the
last edits and summaries for a book which will hopefully be born at the end of
this month, (or shortly thereafter): "Returning to Membership in Earth
Community: Systemic Constellations with Nature".
Among the 14 contributors, Daan von Kampenhout shares a powerful ritual he has
been using it in Healing Circles with gay men. He incorporates the sexual
diversity of nature and I am grateful that he has been willing to expand the
literature in systems constellation, and by extension expand the support which
is offered to those who have been painfully marginalized within their own
families or communities (- this certainly does not apply in every family).
I was very encouraged when I read a statement was brief and powerful and came
from one of John Payne's books. It was something to the effect: the only
systemic danger or compromise that comes from a family member being gay or
lesbian, or bi-sexual, trans-gender, etc., is if that person is excluded. This
is a standard systemic truth. It is when someone is rejected, or not honored
or seen that the family system may well suffer at some juncture.
An additional resource, which I found so precious, was an article in Issue 18
of The Knowing Field, written by Victor Velasco of Mexico: Tran-generational
and Systemic Philosophy: Sexual Diversity and HIV. Within this article Victor
shares a healing statement which can be used in family systems where
`fathering' is very important. It is a statement that is made by the father to
a gay son. Again, forgive me for paraphrasing: "Dear Son, although your life
has cost me my hope for a grand-child through you, I am your father, and you
are my son."
In facilitating, I often ask why someone would choose a cross gender
representative. I come from a tribal culture which has many open perspectives
around gender, sexuality, genitalia; it is all a part of life, so I don't
exclude (or prevent the inclusion of) sexual preference, sensuality, or gender
in constellations anymore than I would reject death or birth or war or destiny.
In Shoshone stories the Vagina is sometimes a story character or referred to
openly; even pubic hair is included in one story and the stories are told in
circles that include all ages. It has made translation and sharing of culture
very difficult for many native people because there are such different
constructs in western thinking that one really cannot get there from here.
In some Shoshone stories, Coyote is sexually inappropriate. It is his nature.
It is a given. We tell stories so that children can be prepared for this
character if they meet him. In some stories Coyote is someone who, like those
who are pedophiles and have attraction to children as a sexual preference, has
to be treated with caution. And yet, because he comes from the Creator as we
do, his destiny is not always easy. In many stories he is chased, tortured,
and criticized for being who he is. (As far as I know Coyote is always male.)
The other element of Coyote is that he is often understood to have some aspect
of the Divine. He is a teacher. Like everything and everyone in life, the
lessons that he leaves us with are considered a part of destiny and a gift.
I also find that as descendent of a culture where males have been
systematically politically and socially castrated by the conquerors, I have
been privileged to be unafraid and grateful when those men are invited to stand
in their power in a good way. When facilitators work with various cultures it
is important to know that in the reality of some groups, to have a woman stand
to represent a man, if a man is available may be experienced as a form of
castration. And, it may be that some facilitators and some participants might
unconsciously want to be involved in that process, but I think it is an area to
be very aware of when facilitating.
When I have asked about cross gender placements many times the response is a
description of part of the system's compromise: "I am placing my mother as a
man because she was rejected by her father because she was a girl and had no
value on the farm."
"I am representing my father as a woman because he could
not stand up to my mother." "I am choosing a woman to represent me because I am
lesbian." And, there have been sometimes when I have had no impulse to ask.
Sometimes the cross-gender choice is for an obvious reason. Some family
systems have not fostered a belief that female and strength could be
synonymous. As with every other aspect of constellation what is there in the
field, what allows the client to stand in dignity?
Something challenging about this work is that it is always evolving and thanks
to this forum I am always learning. I have been blessed, and blessed, and
blessed again, and felt that it was needed to share something in exchange. I
am always relieved when I read the many cautions regarding making
generalizations and trying to find a one-size fits all. When we let the
constellation and the seeker lead and hold all of their family and life
experience in a good way there is often a movement that does strengthen and
increase the flow of love in the family system. That is what I have personally
appreciated through this work.
Thank you for being my teachers and thank you for your open hearts. Chris,
again, thank you for the years of uninterrupted moderation that has allowed me
to learn here in the quiet at the end of my little dirt road.
