Transcending Forgiveness Through Acceptance
Today, many healers, seekers and therapists have jumped on a dysfunctional
bandwagon without realizing the systemic consequences at hand. Bert Hellinger,
renowned philosopher and developer of Constellation work and Spirit-Mind
movements, has reported for many, many years that there is a hidden symmetry
and order to love.
As a facilitator of this modality, I must concur that I find these bold
statements to be very true and will gladly help anyone explore and understand
the philosophy and reasoning behind them. As always, let your heart decide what
is right for you and your well-being.
Practicing the "Art of Forgiveness" can be very damaging to the so-called
"forgiver" on many levels. This act of superiority may not serve their best
interests no matter how well-intentioned. This superior attitude that seeks to
be bigger than a perpetrator or any painful situation actually diminishes the
effectiveness of release that only acceptance can consciously bring about. The
"forgiver' actually perpetuates the pain of victimization in an unhealthful way
-- upon themselves and, unconsciously, upon others as well.
If the desired goal is to release oneself from pain and suffering in order
to heal a deep wound and move beyond an endured atrocity, the very idea of
"forgiveness" becomes detrimental to both the Forgiver and the Forgiven.
Systemically speaking, we would call this being "too big," arrogant or
presumptuous, as it robs the perpetrator of responsibility, whether it was our
parents or any other person who has done us perceived "harm." It also
disrespects the bigger fate and destiny of our whole ancestral line. In doing
so, the "forgiver" attempts to elevate him or herself to the "top" of the whole
hierarchical system, as if he or she was the creator of life itself -- showing
pity on these poor little subjects under his or her command. In reality, the
most recent addition to any larger family system has no right to judge those
who came before, as they are the newer members in the larger hierarchical
framework known as a family. Sure we all have our opinions and feelings, and
these are in no way meant to be negated, but if anyone truly wants to break the
cycle of Perpetrator/Victim, "forgiveness" is NOT the way to do it. It is then
the Victim who carries both energies, thereby hurting themselves with a heavier
load of toxic baggage that enslaves them to the past.
ReSOULution
There is a way out, however, that is more simple, profound and completely
healing, leading to a restoration of love, order and harmony for all concerned.
This liberating state of "non-forgiveness" is simply called "ACCEPTANCE." Can
we be small enough and humble enough to acknowledge our place in the larger
context of a multidimensional generation of forebears from whence we inherited
our DNA? We received the Gift of Life through them despite their suffering and
turmoil. This dualistic condition in which we are living provides wonder and
horror equally. The key is to honor and accept life itself AS IT IS. This
action of accepting imperfection (even the living dynamics of catastrophic
change) will lead us back to our inner and outer harmony, providing us with
dignity and strength. These qualities will only help us accept the gifts and
challenges equally that life continually seems to toss in our path. It is the
ACCEPTANCE of everything "as it is," from our families to our human history,
that releases us all from the chains of the past and points us toward a better
tomorrow.
Just as the arrogance of "forgiveness" weakens us, the humility of
"acceptance" empowers us. It is ours to decide which feels best and does the
most good. Always remember, we did not create the cycle of life. We are merely
participants, and our day in the Sun lasts for a very short time.
This is our chance to enjoy, transform and better ourselves and our children,
just as those who came before did for us, whether we know it or not. Taking our
rightful place as the smallest member of the family system allows us to evolve
into something great. Honor and gratitude, along with ACCEPTANCE, breaks the
cycle of slavery to which Forgiveness binds us. Our ACCEPTANCE of life AS IT
IS, along with accepting our parents AS THEY ARE and our larger family system
AS IT WAS, relieves us of our self-appointed role as judge and jury. To remain
neutral without judgments also leads us to accept the good things we inherited
more deeply. By letting those who wronged or hurt us own their own
Perpetrator/Victim energy, we release ourselves from the entanglement and let
the fate and responsibility rest where it belongs -- with them.
This isn't about blame or shaming others for the choices they made. It is
about honoring our own part in it and the acknowledgement that with acceptance
comes release. Life seems to be inherently good, as everyone who shares life
has always tried to follow his or her good conscience to the best of their
ability. Often such incidents occurred in a place and time pre-dating your own
creation and admission into the family system -- and which, on the deepest of
levels, was probably agreed to all along. Accepting these simple truths will
free you and strengthen your resolve without any need to "FORGIVE." Bow Down in
thankfulness & gratitude as you ACCEPT your life as a Gift that was Given.
