I realize that most of my constellations are done with the Seeker being the
child in the family. Or them dealing with a specific issue/focus.
On Sunday, I have a gentleman who is looking at the following, where he's the
adult. Of course I can follow the energy, but thought I might get some ideas.
When his son was a baby, he caught his wife fondling him. He told her to stop
(this was around 1975, so the awareness wasn't in the culture as it is now). He
caught her one other time. Ditto. When the boy was around 10, he talked to his
wife and son and said he thought they were too enmeshed. They were flirting and
tickling each other. They divorced after 10 years of marriage. He sounded
righteous about not being able to put up with that, but he didn't get custody
of his son (it was joint). His son is very close to the mother emotionally and
they live near each other. The father (the Seeker) lives out of state.
The seeker never said anything to his son about the fondling -- until his son
just had a baby this past fall. The seeker was there with his current wife (of
28 years). the ex was there and she was saying things like I can't wait to
change her diaper and touch that cute little bum, etc. The seeker decided to
tell the son b'c the baby was going to have an overnight with the grandmother.
The daughter-in-law seemed relieved. The son kicked him out.
He wants to do a constellation about getting along better with his son (what he
said) and/or looking at abuse/incest in the family system (what he put on form
today).
He wanted to do a constellation several weeks ago, but I suggested we do
something else first. I could hear him being the victim, not taking
responsibility, and blaming everyone else. I wanted to see if he could take
ownership of not having stopped this. He did better, but still kept giving
excuses, as did his wife for him. I agree they were different times, he was
naive, he was adopted with difficult adoptive parents, etc. But I wanted to see
if he could just say, I didn't stop it. He did...then undercut it. He did do
some great work and followed some of the feelings he felt at the time:
impotent, ashamed, fearful back to his own childhood and we worked with that.
My stomach is tight as I write this. It could be all the detail (but how would
you know if I didn't tell you content?) and/or it could be my father incested
me as a baby (1953) and older, and I've wanted my mom to apologize for not
protecting me. Seeker knows my history and I brought it up again to him. As I
write that, my stomach is relaxing.
So any ideas? What needs to happen for him? I could look at abuse in the
system. Or I could put in Seeker, ex-wife and son and see what happens. (His
adult daughter is also going to be in the workshop and do her own
constellation.) I think part of the stomach is feeling like he's trying to make
his case, in front of wife, daughter and friends.
Thanks!
Krysta Kavenaugh
Minneapolis, MN
