My first response is.we can't push taking responsibility, any more than we
can push any other constellation movements. Pushing tends to create
resistance. Pushing responsibility, in particular, can create an impression
of blame, which of course is the main thing we always want to avoid on any
side of the situation. Instead, we work on building rapport and increased
safety (seeing his victim status as honestly as we can) and as the client
feels seen, heard and included, opportunities arise for inviting him to take
responsibility as part of his own healing and the healing of the system.
For me, the main lever seems to be his love for his son and his grandchild,
and his impulse to protect (even as he did not fully fulfill that role in
the past). That seems the place where energy resides for unexpected and
powerful transformation in the client's system, showing forth in ways he
cannot presently imagine.
The system (and any part of the system) can only move as it is able to move.
We create opportunities for the movement.
Good luck with this really challenging family dynamic. I am so glad you are
part of it!
Peace, Leslie
The Rev. Leslie Nipps, Master NLP & Family Constellations Practitioner
"Trust as a Way of Life..."
<mailto:lnipps@xxxxxxxxx> lnipps@xxxxxxxxx
<http://www.leslienipps.com> www.leslienipps.com
_____
From: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx] On Behalf Of radiantkek
Sent: Thursday, February 23, 2012 6:54 PM
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: [ConstellationTalk] constellation this Sunday
I realize that most of my constellations are done with the Seeker being the
child in the family. Or them dealing with a specific issue/focus.
On Sunday, I have a gentleman who is looking at the following, where he's
the adult. Of course I can follow the energy, but thought I might get some
ideas.
When his son was a baby, he caught his wife fondling him. He told her to
stop (this was around 1975, so the awareness wasn't in the culture as it is
now). He caught her one other time. Ditto. When the boy was around 10, he
talked to his wife and son and said he thought they were too enmeshed. They
were flirting and tickling each other. They divorced after 10 years of
marriage. He sounded righteous about not being able to put up with that, but
he didn't get custody of his son (it was joint). His son is very close to
the mother emotionally and they live near each other. The father (the
Seeker) lives out of state.
The seeker never said anything to his son about the fondling -- until his
son just had a baby this past fall. The seeker was there with his current
wife (of 28 years). the ex was there and she was saying things like I can't
wait to change her diaper and touch that cute little bum, etc. The seeker
decided to tell the son b'c the baby was going to have an overnight with the
grandmother. The daughter-in-law seemed relieved. The son kicked him out.
He wants to do a constellation about getting along better with his son (what
he said) and/or looking at abuse/incest in the family system (what he put on
form today).
He wanted to do a constellation several weeks ago, but I suggested we do
something else first. I could hear him being the victim, not taking
responsibility, and blaming everyone else. I wanted to see if he could take
ownership of not having stopped this. He did better, but still kept giving
excuses, as did his wife for him. I agree they were different times, he was
naive, he was adopted with difficult adoptive parents, etc. But I wanted to
see if he could just say, I didn't stop it. He did...then undercut it. He
did do some great work and followed some of the feelings he felt at the
time: impotent, ashamed, fearful back to his own childhood and we worked
with that.
My stomach is tight as I write this. It could be all the detail (but how
would you know if I didn't tell you content?) and/or it could be my father
incested me as a baby (1953) and older, and I've wanted my mom to apologize
for not protecting me. Seeker knows my history and I brought it up again to
him. As I write that, my stomach is relaxing.
So any ideas? What needs to happen for him? I could look at abuse in the
system. Or I could put in Seeker, ex-wife and son and see what happens. (His
adult daughter is also going to be in the workshop and do her own
constellation.) I think part of the stomach is feeling like he's trying to
make his case, in front of wife, daughter and friends.
Thanks!
Krysta Kavenaugh
Minneapolis, MN
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