Hello Everyone,
I have done a number of constellations with both adoptions and organ
donors.
I also have attended a number of Bert's workshops which I took notes
on. Including notes from his video tape on adoption. I am enclosing
them in this email. I hope they translate ok.
Ginny
Grieving For Children
VideoTape Notes
Still Born Child Constellation
If parents don't grieve for a dead child very soon after the
death
they separate.
Very often when a child dies like this, there are secret
accusations. One or other of the parents think the other is guilty.
If they grieve the death together peace can be restored.
It's our child, we loose it together and we let it go with love!
If a child is still born and not given a name then the next child
takes its place and the child counts itself as the 4th instead of the
5th then the dead child is excluded again.
Nobody can be excluded! If one child is excluded then the whole
system is in an uproar. When the excluded person is brought in and
acknowledged. The family feels alright and peace is restored.
Abortion
Sets up woman and two aborted children.
Takes both aborted children by the hand.
Draw them more closely to you, both of them.
Mother holds both children and weeps hard.
Take both of their hands and move a few steps forward.
How do you feel? Freer
Child Bears What the Mother Has to Bear
Sets up self, her husband, son, first partner and aborted child.
Bert moves the aborted child to stand in front of the mother.
He took the place of the aborted child. Your safe place is with your
father.
Moves the first partner up to stand beside woman in front of the
aborted child.
Child feels overwhelming despair. Lonely.
Both of you face up to her until she really appears in your site.
Parent have too move, not the child. Father embraces the child.
Mother reaches out then backs away.
Who is strong and who is weak? The child is strong and the mother is
weak.
Mother I feel paralyzed and very upset.
Bert moves mother away.
The son is bearing what the mother had to bear.
Bert moves the son to stand by the aborted child.
Tell her: I leave you with your father and your mother. And I go to
my father.
Makes the aborted child very sad and it's right that you go.
Tell her (his mom) I let you go and I stay here.
Mother falls out of the picture. There is something in your family
of origin that makes that movement inevitable. We leave it for now.
We can't not bend or fix constellations to what we want them to
be.
I'll Show You the Beautiful Things of Life
A brother takes responsibility for his brother's abortion because
he
had German measles when his mother was pregnant so his mother wanted
to abort the child. She does it in the eighth month. The aborted
child (a son) was delivered at home in the bathroom in hot water.
Is there a secret accusation from your father to your mother? Did he
agree or was he reluctant. I don't know. They had an aborted
child
before me. Mom had 13 miscarriages after the last abortion. Set up
aborted children, yourself and your other living brother and sister.
To dead brother: "I will show you the beautiful things of life
for
awhile, then I will let you have your peace."
It is not unusual for children to feel suicidal after so many
siblings have died. It is as if something in the child's soul
will
say "I want to be close to you even in death." By offering
the
living the opportunity to embrace the dead. This work offers a
contemporary ritual for honoring the dead and allowing the living to
embrace life fully. When the dead are included in our hearts they
become a source of great strength.
Adoption
Video Tape Notes
Using loves hidden symmetry to find the place to stand where they
belong.
There May Be Peace Now
Catherine carefully chooses representatives she does not know from
the audience, and they gather on stage. She then places them in a
constellation.
Do you know what that means? The two children prevent you from
killing yourself.
F facing out quite a
distance away
M S
C
Who wanted the adoption, you or he? Mother I did.
A parent who gives away a child has lost her rights as a mother to
that child. He turns first biological mother around and away. The
father is not guilty because he was left out. The father or
grandmother would have been the best person for the child. Mother
facing away feel resigned but right.
Second adoptive parents.
You are my child and I hold you as my child.
Look at husband and say:
I am sorry.
I honor you now as my husband and as the father of our children.
Parents to first child's bio parents
I leave you with your father
You may keep what I gave to you
I gave it to you with love
But that's now your right place
Bio parents to adoptive parents
Thank you for what you did for my daughter
I honor you for what you did
Tell her you have my blessing, even if I stay apart.
I honor you as my mother, but I will stay with my father.
One of her children will imitate her. Just finding someone to take
the children is a cheap solution. Cheap solutions don't hold.
The
child will follow her.
Sculpting tends to block the representative's ability to feel the
emotions.
You Have a Place in My Heart
I found out something about women who love their fathers dearly.
They do not have respect for men.
Story of adoptive child who dies:
M C F child died of leukemia child
died so parents could go their own way with each new ones lover.
Child relieved his parents of their responsibility.
Bert sends dead child out of room. To mother is it different, easier
or heavier? Asks same question of the father. Child comes back in.
To child, "How did it feel?" It felt just fine. Right, we
can't
interfere! We must respect it.
Mother to dead son: "I was just a substitute." "I gave
you my love
and I leave you in peace."
We have strange ideas about death. Many people think it is
terrible. Life is the most important issue, or the greatest possible
gift. To that I ask where does life come from? And where life comes
from must be bigger and more important than life. With regard to
this then it does not matter how long life lasts. Nothing can get
lost in this foundation. No person or anything else gets lost. To
who should they get lost? To have that attitude it allows you to not
stand in the way of those who want to die.
When a child is set up between two parents they are at RISK.
Sets a constellation with birth parents and adoptive parents.
AF
AM M
C
F
Bert asks When you look at that where will be your safe place?
Place is with adoptive father.
He moves mother to left of father. He says they are divorced. He
moves mother and father apart and put child between them.
Adoptive father and daughter to biological father.
This is your daughter I have kept for you.
Biological father bows to adoptive father.
BF to child Now I give you a place in my heart.
BF father can not connect.
Bert - You must forget your father,
Tell him, this is now my father, I stay with him.
Now the child and AF go in front of the mother.
Dear mother, I let you go, this is now the right place for me, please
bless me when I stay.
BM goes in front of adoptive parents and has her bow deeply. Then
birth mother walks away.
Bert on Adoption:
If there is an adoption, where there is a real need, when a child
doesn't have parents any more or doesn't have relatives
anymore that
can take care of the child then adoption is something really great
and really helpful. Adoption in this way the adoptive child will be
very grateful to the adoptive parents. But very often, a couple do
not want to help a child but help themselves. They use a child to
fill a need they have and they take away child from his own parents.
Then the children get angry at their adoptive parents, and rightly
so. Then the adoptive parents pay for this, secretly, by a loss,
very often loss of a husband or a wife, like a sacrifice. To atone
for this, crime, it is a crime done on the child. The child is
always loyal to his real parents. Adoptive parents can never
substitute the real parents. And the child, in its heart, would much
more like to suffer like its parents than to stay happily, right
there, with the adoptive parents. He can't get its fulfillment
in
such a situation, can get that fulfillment with his own parents and
by sharing their fate.
Hunter:
We can see the effect that it has when someone can find their
appropriate place in a family. They just feel better when they are
in their place. In addition there are a couple of laws which are
clear in this constellation.
Everyone who belongs to a system has an equal right to be included.
When people who belong are shut out or forgotten. Then that has a
detrimental or sometimes destructive effect on those who remain.
Blind Love Enlightened Love Tape Notes
Life As A Sign of Love
What is the issue? I want to come to terms with my relationship with
my mother because it is affecting my present children.
Man has been a participant in the abortion of three of his children.
One in 20's, 30's, 40's.
My mother drowned when I was two months old. She was depressed and
drowned.
I will deviate from my original methods. We will sit facing each
other.
It will be painful to work and it will be relieving.
Close your eyes please.
Scoots close sitting face to face.
Open your mouth slightly and breathe deeply.
Breathe deep and fast.
And go with the movement as the body wants to.
Yes like this. Man leans forward and Bert puts is arms around him.
Deep breathing continues. Man puts arms around Berts neck.
Go with the Love, breathe deeply, enter the pain, OK, OK come close.
Holds him tighter.
Man sobs loudly and deeply. Crying and
Breathe deeply without any voice, deep breaths, deeper more quickly,
more quickly.
Now call for your mother as a child
Call for her, call for her
Mommy Mommy Mommy
Now without words, just with the voice, like a little baby.
Now breathe without voice,
Man sighs deeply and breathing becomes lighter.
Now tell your mother, with me you are in me, you are still continuing
in me. (With your words)
Mommy you still live in me.
Yes, that's it.
I can breathe again.
Now you may have your peace, Please bless me.
Good
Please bless me, please bless me,
and I will pass on what I receive from you,
with love.
Man sits back, breathes slowly, Bert touches his heart with his
fingertips.
Now imagine your mother looking at you, can you imagine that?
She looks at me like you do.
Bert: Much better.
She looks with love.
I'll tell you a secret about children who loose their mother at
such
and early age. They often think that they loved their mother if they
follow her to death. But mothers want other signs of love from their
children than death. What is the sign of love mothers want from
their children. Life, and so do your children from you.
I want to say something about Love.
The love of children and the love of parents. And about blind love.
And about enlightened love. Now a child is bound to his parents and
his family with an incredibly deep love, incredibly deep. However,
children behave they always deeply love their parents and their
family. And for a child, this suffering is nothing terrible if the
child imagines that it helps his parents and his family. That's
why
children are prepared to die in the place of their parents. And if
one of their parents, die early. The child wants to die with them.
And if the mother or father is very ill, children want to take over
the illness and suffer in place of their parents. And this kind of
love is blind, because the child looks only at it's own love and
doesn't realize the love of the parents because the parents want
that
their children will have it better than they. If they are ill they
want that their children be healthy. And when they die they want
that their children live. Now if a child, looks in the eyes of his
mother or his father, until it clearly sees and comprehends the love
of his mother or his father, then it can no longer love blindly.
There is another love, then there is something strange happening at
that moment. The blind love feels great and superior and the
enlightened love feels little small and humble. It has a spiritual
quality if we achieve that. The solution for most problems, lies in
the change or the transformation from the blind love to the knowing
love. The blind love makes us to be one with our parents and the
enlightened love separates. And we stand on our own feet and we feel
alone. No longer so deeply connected, as by our blind love. That is
why the knowing love is much more difficult than the blind love.
Connected with the blind love is a feeling of innocence, deep
innocence. And if we have that knowing love we sometimes feel
guilty or left alone by ourselves, that requires strength as with the
other love.
Next Constellation.
My father died when I was six. My mother's father and brother
both
died. Brother was away at boarding school.
Set family of origin.
Father, mother, sister, brother, herself
<B S1 M> F> <PF
V
<H
What happened in the family of your father? What kind of death did
your father have?
Sets up his father.
It took me awhile but I became aware of my wife. I feel like I'm
looking through a telescope. But I don't have any feeling. Any
change when your father came? No,
PF I feel sick, physically sick, lot of tension down neck and
back. Squeezed in.
Bert, can you hold on for awhile?
Of what did he die?
He died of the Spanish Flu. Do you know anything about the
generation behind him?
Moves father and son closer facing each other.
They smile, go close, they then hold each other.
Bert turns the children around so they may see what is going on as
well as the wife. Father and grandfather continue to hug.
Stand at his side now. The other side.
Her, I was very moved, it felt a long ways away, but now I feel
connected.
Bert takes son to his father and grandfather.
Stand at your father's side.
I feel anxious and tight. Move away a little, turns father and
grandfather around.
S> F> FG>
Does it feel better or worse?
Son, this feels better than being there but not great.
Places father and son facing each other.
I'm getting very strong physical sensations.
I want to explain something about early loss. A child that looses a
father or mother at an early time up to six or so, can not grieve, it
expresses grief by anger. Later on if it feels grief, instead of
grief it feels anger then it feels guilty. Anger is not a strong
enough emotion for real grief.
Bert has son breathe deeply and leans into father.
What does the mother feel? Felt heavy, sad and panicky when I looked
at him. Brings mother to stand beside father. Look at your mother
as well. I see her. I have feelings about her. What happened to
your brother? He gets very angry, lives very far away and is a
very, very angry man.
Bert sits son on the floor to lean against his parents. They put
their hands on his head.
Bert quietly waits then moves older sister and other sister in from
of rest. And watches.
Look at your sisters. Tell them. I am the smallest. I am the
smallest. How does that feel? It is much nicer being small, I can
relax. OK, stand up. Moves son with his sisters. Tell your mother,
I am only a child. You are strong and I am a child. How is the
feeling now? relief. How's mother? Felt a bit uncertain and
unsure. I am now for you, your father and your mother. How did that
feel? Alright, but a bit heavy. Mother is not strong enough. What
happened in her family? Her mother threw her father out when she was
little. Her son died. We need a grandfather.
Whose anger is his? Grandfather's anger. That is what he feels,
his
grandfathers anger.
Bert places maternal grandfather. Stand straight and look at them
all.
S> VGF <M
S> V <S
S> <F
Adds maternal grandmother.
Tell him, I honor him as my father, and I love him as my father. And
tell him. I honor you as my father, and I love you as my father.
Then sends maternal grandmother out of the door. The son has a
strong emotional release as well does the mother. I feel lighter and
easier with him (maternal grandfather). Put mother and her father
together.
Daughter I hate it! I don't want anything to do with all of
this. I
want to go to my father and grandfather. It feels incestuous. Puts
daughter there and she leans against them. It is better. Moves
daughter back.
Tell your mother I am only a child. With regards to my father you
are a little bit better. Have husband remove mother's father
hand
and puts his own arm around his wife.
That's the step father. Tell your mother, that is your husband.
I
am only a child. Tell step father, she is your wife, I am only a
child. You are not my father. You have no rights.
Brings grandmother back in at the end and checks with how she was.
If the person throws out a partner in such a way, she has lost her
rights. The grandfather must be reinstalled and she must leave. You
must let her go out of your heart.
I want to tell you something about incest.
Isn't it terrible. But what happens in reality, if you take the
situation as she explains it. Her mother with three children,
remarries.
Most usual constellation with incest is. One partner, has children,
marries another man and expects that that man care for the children
like a father. But he is not, so she places demands on him that go
beyond his responsibility. So then there is an urge within that
system to restore balance. Secretly the woman restores balance by
handing over a daughter to that man. It is an attempt to restore
balance. There is a secret agreement with all the people involved.
But the active person, is the woman. From her starts the movement.
Which does not mean that I release the man from guilt, not at all,
only want to explain the dynamics. It is an attempt to restore
balance. The solution for the child is I agree, dear mom, I agree.
To the man, I agree, because of my mother I agree. It changes the
whole situation, the outcome and consequences rest with you. I am
only a child. Then you can withdraw and leave that experience behind.
Plenty and Empty the Same Feeling:
What's your issue? I would like to understand why my brother and
myself are stuck in our parental home with our parents? Brother is
very sick, I can't leave until he is better?
Maybe it is beautiful, there is greatness in that. Never the less we
set up your family of origin.
This is an open Gestault (all looking in the same direction), who is
standing in front of them. I have a feeling, my father's father.
He
died in the war when my father was perhaps seven.
There is a repetition with this relationship with you and your
brother. If we resolve this, it will resolve this. (grandfather and
father). (Children are placed on Bert's left to right in order
of
age, oldest on the left)
Turns grandfather and father facing out, following one another. Know
what that means. Your father wants to follow his father. And who is
Next? My brother, exactly!
<GF <F <B <Neil how is that? Quieter, much better.
It is not a good solution, but it is love. Blind love but love.
Solution is with the first one. Chase them away a little bit.
Grandfather pushes them back.
Then father turns and then sons.
GF> F> S> Neil> now returns them to their places.
To father, tell him this is my wife and these are my children, look
friendly to us.
Nice family.
Father is on Bert's left, wife on Bert's right, then oldest
to
youngest, on her right.
Then moves children back in front of parents.
Father to children. Tell them I shall stay, and you may stay. The
children need reassurance from their father that he will stay. And
the father needs reassurance from his father.
Now go to your own place and look calmly at your own father.
Anything left? I feel a calm emptiness. Did you know that plenty
and emptiness feel the same.
Hunter:
Bert searches for the point where children love blindly then looks
for the sentences that allow that love to transform into enlightened
love.
