Dear All:
This is very, very helpful. All of your experiences open doorways to other
possible approaches than stopping, while also revealing the times when
stopping might be necessary.
Thanks, Kenn for your brief survey of when stopping might be best. I was
also intrigued by your description of impenetrable family trance, as that
captures something in the client¹s description of the ³close- knit² family,
along with the orbit around the parental couple. Could you please tell me
more about that and what that¹s about?
And Gail, I¹m realizing that this series of posts continues some of our
earlier conversations about addressing abuse. ³Gradually they learn to
associate beginning to get upset with your withdrawal, and realise that they
are in control, and can begin to relax and trust.² That really speaks to
this situation. Although I felt that I could not continue the constellation,
in retrospect, it may be that putting up her family, allowing all to witness
them, and stopping there was plenty for this client, who wrote the next day
praising the work and my ³sensitivity.² Perhaps some forward movement will
be possible from that sense of safety and respect for the deadlock itself.
And I would not be surprised to see her again at another workshop, and all
of what has been shared here will be very helpful in continuing that work if
the system wants that..
Alison
On 6/13/07 2:32 AM, Gail at gail_m_allen@xxxxxxxxxxx wrote:
Hi Kenn,
Yes I have seen that situation where the representative felt ejected
from the constellation - and left the room looking like a puppet
controlled by a very strong force (my own constellation in fact). I
think this was different in that, as the representative I didn't feel
to leave, or that I didn't belong, more that I didn't want anyone to
see what was really happening, and a refusal to be worked with. I
think I could have stayed in that role if the facilitator had stopped
trying to work with him.
Have also been thinking around the 'stop' issue, and the possibility
that this sometimes could be a part of the whole abuse trauma issue.
I remember quite a few years ago a very wise person explaining the
dynamics of the behaviour of very young children who had suffered
abuse. They epxress a lack of boundaries and don't react
appropriately to 'no' and 'stop'. In their experience 'stop' actually
doesn't mean anything, because the abuser doesh't listen to the child
saying 'no' and won't accept the 'stop' boundary. Where most children
just understand 'stop' these children need to be specifically taught
what it means.
In animal training, I have heard that the best thing to do with a
nervous animal is to withdraw at the very first indication that your
prescence is causing them distress. Gradually they learn to associate
beginning to get upset with your withdrawal, and realise that they
are in control, and can begin to relax and trust. This sounds a bit
to me like what I have heard about Levine's approach to healing
trauma.
Maybe something similar can happen in family systems where abuse
trauma has meant that 'stop' doesn't have a meaning. Perhaps the
facilitator is given the opportunity to show the family system that
'stop' is listened to and acknowledged. This is the beginning of
allowing trust to grow again.
Gail.
-- In ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
<mailto:ConstellationTalk%40yahoogroups.com> , Kenn Day <enki@...> wrote:
belong
Gail,
Sometimes the representatives can have feelings like "I don't
ejectedhere", "I want to leave", or, as you experienced it, of being
thusfrom the field. More often than not this seems to be a valid
expression of what is happening to that person in the field. For
instance, the father may have needed to be excluded for a time -
constellationthe feeling of being ejected.
namaste,
Kenn Day
www.soulsolutionshome.com
On Jun 12, 2007, at 5:03 AM, Gail wrote:
Hi Alison,
This would have to be the area of fascination for me in
towork, thanks for opening the topic. On this subject I would like
representshare an experience as a representative, where the constellation
wasn't
stopped, but changed direction because I felt so strongly that the
energy was blocked and there was no permission for me to
inthat
person. There have been other representative experiences for me
feltother
constellations where the energy in that particular person has
found - incompletely locked, with no movement toward resolution to be
generation isthose cases it has felt like a key piece from a previous
and thenot yet in place - but never before this intense feeling of "no
permission to work here" to the point where I asked to leave the
representation.
In this case the client was a mother of teenage daughters. She
thechildren's father were estranged. It was her first introduction to
Constellation Work, and the father knew nothing about what was
happening.
In the Constellation the oldest daughter was in deep distress at
fatherfather's feet, both were outside the circle. I represented the
realityand knew it was my fault but I wasn't prepared to admit anything
and was
able to distance myself from reality by talking - the more I was
allowed
to talk about what was in that space the further away from the
was aof the feelings I went - I was making up a fantasy world. There
mepull backwards for me. A person was placed at a distance behind
was a- the
facilitator wasn't sure who it was, but felt to check whether it
representative Idistant ancestor or whether it was 'evil' - 'Evil' is what
resonated. As
the facilitator tried to work with me as the father's
triedreported 'there is no permission to work here' - the facilitator
isto find movement by bringing in someone to represent 'Whatever
theneeded
for permission to work here' and shortly after that I asked to be
released from the role - it was a feeling of being ejected from
thespace, I felt physcially unable to stay.
As the work continued the children were moved into the mother's
family's
sphere, which felt much safer for them, and the relationship of
thismother to her family of origin became the focus for resolution.
Would welcome discussion around this - my guesses are that in
mothercase, the lack of permission could have been around that the
maybewas
the client, not the father; that the father is secretly abusive
toward
the older child and will go to any lengths to protect this secret
(family murder/suicide situations often involve this dynamic); and
possibly that the mother may not be ready to see the abuse -
As Isome
of the permission could lie in what the mother can bear to see?
for 'Evil'think about this now the implications of the representative
resonatingadded to the possible family murder/suicide potential are
wellbeingquite strongly for me.
I am wondering whether a focus on working for the safety and
doof the children could be a helpful goal - you may not be able to
placeanything for the parents, but it may be possible to find a safe
iffor the children. I think your question Alison 'who was at risk
is atthe
status quo continues?' is right to the point - and possibly 'who
let yourisk if we are allowed to know the secret?' - because that may
know<mailto:ConstellationTalk%40yahoogroups.com> , Alison Rose Levyknow whether there is a perpetrator with whom you need to stand.
Gail.
--- In ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
<LevyAR@>
wrote:
constellation
Hi!
I¹d love to hear from any of you who have had to ³stop² a
family, oreither because it felt as though there was no permission from the
because the set-up seemed somehow compromised. I would love to
ofboth
occurring atyour criteria for doing that, as well as your view of what is
number ofthose times.
This happened to me for the first time (after facilitating for a
withyears) at a workshop yesterday.
The problem presented described a deeply divided and suffering
family,
clientsome kind of painful secret, yet the constellation set up by the
big happypresented what appeared more like a ³staged² picture of ³one
thefamily,² that was very incongruent with the information shared in
they were. Nointerview. All representatives reported feeling ³okay² where
one experienced anything else. There was an overall shallowness
ofaffect.
The only tell-tale aspects were that in a workshop with a number
representativewomen
participants young and old, the client selected as a
experiencefor her
children) thethirty-something daughter, (the youngest of the family¹s
bearer² theoldest woman in the room. Also for the designated ³symptom
theclient selected a participant new to constellations who all
throughout
whatsoeverworkshop consistently reported that he experienced no feelings
when he represented. Thus he provided no entrée into the
aroundof that
particular key family member.
The set up featured all the children as satellites orbiting
allthe
central dyad of the parental relationship which indicated that
partnersclient,the
family energy was directed towards supporting that. However, the
when questioned, reported a happy marriage with no former
and Ianynor
known entanglements that would lead to marital disharmony.
I ended the constellation because the set-up felt incongruent,
permissionfound
no opening with the representatives. I said that I had no
riskto work
with the system and I asked the client to contemplate who was at
moved theif the
status quo continues.
After the fact, it occurred to me that perhaps I might have
impositionhappened. But inchildren out of orbit and into new positions to see what
the moment, it felt as though any movement would be an
aonto
system organized to conceal rather than reveal the secret.
Comments?
Alison
Alison Rose Levy
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