Vinay,
I am moved daily by the courage and authenticity of your sharings. Your
authenticity of action is exactly what brings balance to the unconscious
activity of those you interact with. This authenticity of action with deep
commitment to truth and trust is what dissolves all that is false.... in an
instant. It is the exclusion of such authenticity in all of us, trasgender or
not that builds conglomerate pathways to suffering.
Thanks for sharing
Kind regards
Sadhana
________________________________
From: Steve Vinay Gunther <spirited@xxxxxxxxxxxx>
To: "ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx" <ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Sent: Wednesday, July 10, 2013 8:15 AM
Subject: [ConstellationTalk] The dignity of gender- every which way
Francesca
Thanks for this lengthy and thoughtful response to the topic. Its such a relief
to hear a non-western perspective. Our world is dominated by a western-centric
view of life, so hearing of a different cultural take (and healthier in many
ways) is refreshing and provoking of reflection.
You bring up traditional stories with their apocryphal qualities. Its
interesting to see the stories that have emerged around transsexuality in the
west - people who have written books, and/or have some measure of fame before
or after - the tennis star (Renee Richards), or in contemporary times Korean
model Cho Han Bit. Or else they feature as colour queer characters in films -
Priscilla of the desert. These don't really help normalise transsexuality in
the sense of teaching people how to deal with it in everyday life.
I think your point on exclusion is certain relevant; of course its our central
interest as constellation practitioners, and its true its a very important
question. My father was an avid charismatic Christian at the time of his
transition, with a lot of involvement in that community. When he chose to
transition, not one person from that community stood by him. That was of course
extremely painful for him.
But inclusion and exclusion are very complex. The law requires people to not
exclude transsexuals. So someone transiting at a workplace expects and often
gets instant organisational acceptance. From one day to the next, the title on
their office door is changed, and colleagues call them by their new name.
This is all very well, but such official acceptance is not the same thing as
real inclusion. The feelings of the co-workers are never dealt with. Its great
the ts is not excluded, but without space for reaction, doubt and discomfort on
the part of the co-workers, it tends then to be very superficial.
The same is true in families. The ts wants instant acceptance, of course. But
its not that easy. The transition for them is positive and heroic. The
experience for family members is primarily of loss. So there needs to be a lot
of support in the system for the honouring of that sense of loss. But the ts
usually experiences that as just more rejection, and so difficult and
destructive dynamics tend to ensue. Indeed, I think the only viable solutions
are systemic, but they are almost never sought unfortunately.
Ts themselves are often very rejecting of their family. Perhaps this is a
defensive reaction. Perhaps this helps them separate from their former
identity. But many children of ts feel quite abandoned. Thats certainly my
experience. My father has only a very limited interest in my life, and
virtually no interest in my children or grandchildren. So the exclusion is
strangely embedded in the system.
My own experience is also complex. When I first got the news, I accepted it
immediately - after all, I am a therapist, I am open minded, I am adventurous,
I respect peoples choices, I am interested in alternative ways of looking at
the world, I am a feminist.
However, over time I found it wasn't that easy emotionally. Seeing my father in
a dress for the first time was not actually a very pleasant experience. She
wanted me to like it. I just didn't. She felt rejected. I didn't experience any
space for an authentic reaction. You can see how these dynamics can go downhill.
Another example. One of my students went through a transition during the time
they were training with me. There was an atmosphere that supported open
discussion and authenticity. This was a ftm (female to male) case. As she
started identifying as a man, and wanted to be called 'he', she/he expected
instance acceptance. I said, honestly, I accept this is your choice and accept
this is your transition. But you haven't had 30 years experience as a man, so
its I don't think joining the club of being a man is something so simple and
instantaneous. I am happy to treat you as a newcomer, but not someone who just
instantly fits into the knowing world of men. She felt excluded and rejected by
that, but I wasn't going to pretend. These are the difficult dynamics around
inclusion and exclusion.
Vinay
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