Thank you Steve and thank you Francesca for your thought-provoking and
enlightening writing on this all-important topic. I have very little
experience in this area but do recall one constellation I did with a guy
whose father had decided to transition the day of the workshop. In his
constellation, the focus was completely on his mother's side of the family.
He felt frustrated but that was where the energy went. When he got home
that night, his father had changed his mind. Interesting.
Best wishes
Barbara
On 9 July 2013 23:15, Steve Vinay Gunther <spirited@xxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
**
Francesca
Thanks for this lengthy and thoughtful response to the topic. Its such a
relief to hear a non-western perspective. Our world is dominated by a
western-centric view of life, so hearing of a different cultural take (and
healthier in many ways) is refreshing and provoking of reflection.
You bring up traditional stories with their apocryphal qualities. Its
interesting to see the stories that have emerged around transsexuality in
the west - people who have written books, and/or have some measure of fame
before or after - the tennis star (Renee Richards), or in contemporary
times Korean model Cho Han Bit. Or else they feature as colour queer
characters in films - Priscilla of the desert. These don't really help
normalise transsexuality in the sense of teaching people how to deal with
it in everyday life.
I think your point on exclusion is certain relevant; of course its our
central interest as constellation practitioners, and its true its a very
important question. My father was an avid charismatic Christian at the time
of his transition, with a lot of involvement in that community. When he
chose to transition, not one person from that community stood by him. That
was of course extremely painful for him.
But inclusion and exclusion are very complex. The law requires people to
not exclude transsexuals. So someone transiting at a workplace expects and
often gets instant organisational acceptance. From one day to the next, the
title on their office door is changed, and colleagues call them by their
new name.
This is all very well, but such official acceptance is not the same thing
as real inclusion. The feelings of the co-workers are never dealt with. Its
great the ts is not excluded, but without space for reaction, doubt and
discomfort on the part of the co-workers, it tends then to be very
superficial.
The same is true in families. The ts wants instant acceptance, of course.
But its not that easy. The transition for them is positive and heroic. The
experience for family members is primarily of loss. So there needs to be a
lot of support in the system for the honouring of that sense of loss. But
the ts usually experiences that as just more rejection, and so difficult
and destructive dynamics tend to ensue. Indeed, I think the only viable
solutions are systemic, but they are almost never sought unfortunately.
Ts themselves are often very rejecting of their family. Perhaps this is a
defensive reaction. Perhaps this helps them separate from their former
identity. But many children of ts feel quite abandoned. Thats certainly my
experience. My father has only a very limited interest in my life, and
virtually no interest in my children or grandchildren. So the exclusion is
strangely embedded in the system.
My own experience is also complex. When I first got the news, I accepted
it immediately - after all, I am a therapist, I am open minded, I am
adventurous, I respect peoples choices, I am interested in alternative ways
of looking at the world, I am a feminist.
However, over time I found it wasn't that easy emotionally. Seeing my
father in a dress for the first time was not actually a very pleasant
experience. She wanted me to like it. I just didn't. She felt rejected. I
didn't experience any space for an authentic reaction. You can see how
these dynamics can go downhill.
Another example. One of my students went through a transition during the
time they were training with me. There was an atmosphere that supported
open discussion and authenticity. This was a ftm (female to male) case. As
she started identifying as a man, and wanted to be called 'he', she/he
expected instance acceptance. I said, honestly, I accept this is your
choice and accept this is your transition. But you haven't had 30 years
experience as a man, so its I don't think joining the club of being a man
is something so simple and instantaneous. I am happy to treat you as a
newcomer, but not someone who just instantly fits into the knowing world of
men. She felt excluded and rejected by that, but I wasn't going to pretend.
These are the difficult dynamics around inclusion and exclusion.
Vinay