Dear Gary, and All,
It is typical of me that, despite admiring, understanding, and
agreeing with your eloquent essay on Forgiveness versus Acceptance--I
remain troubled by what seems to be a discrepancy between ordinary
usage of US English and a somewhat narrower meaning that seems to take
over in constellation work. So first of all, thank you for posting
the essay, and then, here's what comes up for me.
In general, words have a number of senses, or primary meanings. It is
always risky to assume too quickly that we know which one or more are
intended when a person utters a sound or scratches marks on a page.
In particular, the word "forgive" has at least three relevant uses in
the perpetrator-victim context.
FORGIVE1 <to pardon a person for an offense> "I forgive you for
stealing my wallet"
FORGIVE2 <to give up all claim to restitution or repayment> "I
forgave that debt already"
FORGIVE3 <to cease to feel resentment against> "It's generally best
to forgive your enemies"
To my mind, while FORGIVE1 <pardon> falls clearly into the
problematic, self-important stance we constellators speak of, FORGIVE2
slips away from it, and FORGIVE3 <let go resentment> comes very close
to what we mean by "acceptance."
People may say, well, Michael is being too logical and "left-brained"
here. But in fact, the whole re-characterization of "forgiveness" in
terms of systemic hierarchy, self-importance, and doubling of burden
on the victim requires, even though true, quite a bit of "left brain"
work to grasp. Especially for someone used to the various, more
loosely employed meanings normally associated with "forgive."
I guess there are two points here perhaps worth considering. First,
this goes back to earlier discussions here about our community using
common terms somewhat preemptively in ways that are quite contrary to
everyday usage. Do we get in our own way by not showing more respect
for how much the larger language community is likely to be confused by
this? Can we not talk about re-languaging without questions being
raised about understanding and group loyalty?
And second, if a client in a constellation spontaneously says "Oh, I
do forgive you" to a perpetrator, I at least want to be listening as
carefully as I can for which nuance (either FORGIVE1 <pardon> or
FORGIVE3 <let go resentment>, or some combination) is intended.
Because it seems to me there are occasions when this statement
signifies very much the acceptance we wish to foster, and others where
it resonates with the self importance we want to discourage. Maybe
the client means simply, "You know what, I accept that you did this
and am not holding on to it." And even if it's the problematic
FORGIVE1 <pardon> that's intended, I'd still be somewhat careful about
launching into a whole left-brain explanation of the distinction in
the middle of a constellation. Maybe I would--or maybe I'd let it
pass and talk about it later. A lot would depend.
I haven't had time to look into this, but I keep wondering of some of
these confusing usages come from the different senses and nuances
involved with the original German words. In general, from language to
language, word senses and their nuances are not grouped around words
in the same ways at all.
Best,
Michael
Michael Reddy, PhD, CPC, ELI-MP
michael@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
www.reddyworks.com
Holistic Health & Happiness
DIAL IN TO OUR FREE, WEEKLY, QUESTION & ANSWER
TELECONFERENCE--THE CONSTELLATION CALL
Q&A on Family Constellations and Coaching
Tuesdays 8-8:45 PM EST
(530) 216 4363 PIN 481775#
What is The Constellation Call?
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
