Hello Sneh, Kay, Joe, and All,
Thank you for your intriguing thoughts regarding the post on different
common-language meanings of "forgive." They prompt in me a couple of
responses.
Kay, your first letter, if I understand it correctly, suggests leaving
the term "forgiveness" out of constellation work because of its
confusing nature. This makes some sense to me in so far as it is part
of what is called a "semantic pathology." Those happen when the same
word means two different things in the same context which are very
important to distinguish. So, pardoning someone is very different
from simply accepting that an offense happened and letting go of it.
It would be much better if English had not lumped these two senses
into the same word.
The flip side of this pathology is apparent in "I'm sorry." How many
times have you said "Gee I'm so sorry about that..." and heard the
immediate reply: "Oh that's OK, it wasn't your fault at all." You
intended SORRY1 <sympathize with an unfortunate plight>, but the other
person heard SORRY2 <I admit I did you wrong in causing your
unfortunate plight>. Maybe this is confined to US usage, I'm not sure
about that.
The only thing, though, Kay, for me, is that I feel that clients come
into the work using common language and I can't prevent that. So I
fall back, as Sneh suggested in her post--on listening very carefully
for what sense or senses of the words are present in the client's
sentences, tone, body language, and so on. On the other hand, as you
suggest, we can banish some of this everyday confusion by careful
explanations in advance.
Joe, it's probably just my reading of your words, but I didn't mean to
suggest in my post that German was somehow limited or at fault. It's
simply that the primary meanings of words in different languages have
evolved via analogies and metonymies and even accidental associations
to group very differently. For instance, in English we have the
problematic association of "constellation" with astrology. No
difficulty in German with that. However, I have heard one Native
speaker complain that the German equivalent of "constelation," which
is "aufstellung," had different unfortunate other meanings for them
also.
And yes, Joe, I've been interested in the Whorf-Sapir hypothesis since
graduate school. I felt I gathered some evidence for it in the work I
did on the conduit metaphor (see Wikipedia "conduit metaphor if
interested).
Finally, Kay, I can agree that constellations in one manner transcend
"meaning" completely. I think Hunter was also trying to say something
like that at the US conference (his talk is also in the current issue
of TKF) by talking about two ways of understanding them. In the
broadest context, not only constellations, but everything is
"meaningless." Meanings are restrictions we put on events and they
always leave a great deal out. At the same time, I try to be careful
about keeping track of how broad the context is in which I am
operating and speaking.
Bert, it seems to me, in his later methods, has moved into broader and
broader contexts. But Patrick just posted here about a case where he
felt it necessary to drop back to the narrower classic family
constellation to work. So, I agree with you in the broadest context,
but still want to be able to speak and write and work in narrower ones
where specific meanings are important.
Best,
Michael
Michael Reddy, PhD, CPC, ELI-MP
michael@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
www.reddyworks.com
Holistic Health & Happiness
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On Feb 6, 2012, at 3:29 PM, Joe Pirone wrote:
Michael ,very trenchant analysis.I sense you are spot on regarding
German and its linguistic limits. You might find the Sapir Whorf
hypothesis spot on. Best,Joseph Pirone
On Feb 4, 2012, at 11:36 AM, Kay Needham wrote:
Dear Michael,
I have not read such a clear and insightful writing on forgiveness
that demonstrates exactly why this word is best left in the
confusing context where it takes root. Does forgiveness include
love? Does love have any relevant uses in victim perpetrator
dynamics?
Kind regards
Sadhana
________________________________
From: Michael Reddy <michael@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
To: "ConstellationTalk@yahoogroups. com" <ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sent: Saturday, February 4, 2012 1:40 AM
Subject: Re: [ConstellationTalk] Transcending Forgiveness through
Acceptance by Gary Stuart
Dear Gary, and All,
It is typical of me that, despite admiring, understanding, and
agreeing with your eloquent essay on Forgiveness versus Acceptance--I
remain troubled by what seems to be a discrepancy between ordinary
usage of US English and a somewhat narrower meaning that seems to
take
over in constellation work. So first of all, thank you for posting
the essay, and then, here's what comes up for me.
In general, words have a number of senses, or primary meanings. It is
always risky to assume too quickly that we know which one or more are
intended when a person utters a sound or scratches marks on a page.
In particular, the word "forgive" has at least three relevant uses in
the perpetrator-victim context.
FORGIVE1 <to pardon a person for an offense> "I forgive you for
stealing my wallet"
FORGIVE2 <to give up all claim to restitution or repayment> "I
forgave that debt already"
FORGIVE3 <to cease to feel resentment against> "It's generally best
to forgive your enemies"
To my mind, while FORGIVE1 <pardon> falls clearly into the
problematic, self-important stance we constellators speak of,
FORGIVE2
slips away from it, and FORGIVE3 <let go resentment> comes very close
to what we mean by "acceptance."
People may say, well, Michael is being too logical and "left-brained"
here. But in fact, the whole re-characterization of "forgiveness" in
terms of systemic hierarchy, self-importance, and doubling of burden
on the victim requires, even though true, quite a bit of "left brain"
work to grasp. Especially for someone used to the various, more
loosely employed meanings normally associated with "forgive."
I guess there are two points here perhaps worth considering. First,
this goes back to earlier discussions here about our community using
common terms somewhat preemptively in ways that are quite contrary to
everyday usage. Do we get in our own way by not showing more respect
for how much the larger language community is likely to be confused
by
this? Can we not talk about re-languaging without questions being
raised about understanding and group loyalty?
And second, if a client in a constellation spontaneously says "Oh, I
do forgive you" to a perpetrator, I at least want to be listening as
carefully as I can for which nuance (either FORGIVE1 <pardon> or
FORGIVE3 <let go resentment>, or some combination) is intended.
Because it seems to me there are occasions when this statement
signifies very much the acceptance we wish to foster, and others
where
it resonates with the self importance we want to discourage. Maybe
the client means simply, "You know what, I accept that you did this
and am not holding on to it." And even if it's the problematic
FORGIVE1 <pardon> that's intended, I'd still be somewhat careful
about
launching into a whole left-brain explanation of the distinction in
the middle of a constellation. Maybe I would--or maybe I'd let it
pass and talk about it later. A lot would depend.
I haven't had time to look into this, but I keep wondering of some of
these confusing usages come from the different senses and nuances
involved with the original German words. In general, from language to
language, word senses and their nuances are not grouped around words
in the same ways at all.
Best,
Michael
Michael Reddy, PhD, CPC, ELI-MP
michael@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
www.reddyworks.com
Holistic Health & Happiness
DIAL IN TO OUR FREE, WEEKLY, QUESTION & ANSWER
TELECONFERENCE--THE CONSTELLATION CALL
Q&A on Family Constellations and Coaching
Tuesdays 8-8:45 PM EST
(530) 216 4363 PIN 481775#
What is The Constellation Call?
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