Dear Joseph, it seems very meaningful to me what you are writing. I agree with
you.Basically I know very few men which seem to me part of the masculine field,
most are more or less mamas boys. (Just a thought: Women are stronger in the
field of the family. Could the possessing of the children be a kind of balance
with the power of men in the outside world and the very old suppression of the
women?)
There must be many reasons for that. What I discovered in constellations is:
no couple seems really totally fulfilled, there stays in the long term of a
relationship a part frustrated. The is the part of the child in us who wanted
the total love of father and mother, did not get it, and is still longing. The
partner cannot give us that what we want. So, if a child is born this longing
for love is directed towards the child. There is abundant giving in parents but
also neediness. The mother has a special look towards the son (her father) and
the father has a special look toward the daughter (his mother). It is normal,
part of everybodys life, but it is also a certain kind of abuse. So the child
feels that longing of father and mother, tries to give him or her what they
need. But deep down there is also a very strong anger towards the other sex.
The bigger the neediness of parents, the bigger the wrong position of the child
and his hidden anger.
Men and women feel this energy in the other one and they look for somebody who
is in a certain way similar, someone who carries the same amount of anger.
Therefore mama's boys look for daddy's girl and vice versa. Anger is the fuel
of passion. So there can be very passionate love. And both have the chance to
become more real and grounded in such a relationship. But before they have to
go through a lot of frustration, disappointment and pain. (And today you can go
through a few of relationships and with each one you may grow a little bit
more. And I join you in suspecting that your movement (and my movement) to
becoming daddy's boy will be a lifetime movement.Bertold
<jmalinak@xxxxxxxxxx> schrieb:
Bertold, thank you for your insightful observations.
Some thoughts from my perspective to this complex issue from the male side.
When a young man remains, for whatever reason, in the sphere of influence of
his mother, then there is no or an inadequate connection to the "masculine
field" which would traditionally come for a young man through moving into the
sphere of influence of the Father. We might say that it is through the
connection to the masculine field that gives a man a foundation for masculine
power. (Power is used here in the sense of ability to act effectively and not
in the sense of power over something or someone.) In this situation, the
situation of a mama's boy, power comes from first the mother and then through
mother substitutes. This can look like a physically or psychologically abusive
man who feels powerful only when he is abusing a woman, a sex addict moving
from one conquest to another, a fundamentalist trying to use his religion to
"keep women in their place", a wide range of compensatory behaviors and
activities, to the completely opposite behavior of a sycophant depending
totally on women and everything in between these extremes. When a man is
dependent on women for his ability to act, that is for his power, there is deep
resentment, frustration, and all too frequently rage directed toward women.
There is probably no way outside of a constellation to determine in which
parent's sphere of influence an individual stands. However, here in the US, it
appears to me that through observing behavior, one could safely assume that a
large percentage of US men are mama's boys. We even apparently elect them to
our presidency. President Clinton's childhood without a father and then such
family circumstances as those requiring him to protect his Mother from an
abusive stepfather would certainly lead one to suspect that a need for
conquests of women was necessary for a feeling of maintaining power. Similarly
President Bush's childhood with a dominate mother and largely absent father
might explain a pattern of sometimes extreme compensatory behaviors. In my
limited experience, it has been very rare to find a relationship of a mama's
boy with a mama's girl. They just don't seek each other out. Frequently in a
relationship where there is a mama's boy there is a daddy's girl. A fecund
ground for frustration and resentment. As a mama's boy, my constellation that
connected me to my father and through him to my masculine lineage was a
profound and moving experience. And I suspect that my movement to becoming
daddy's boy will be a lifetime movement. Joseph Malinakwww.josephmalinak.com
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