Re: [ConstellationTalk] finally resolving my cyber-constellationThank you
Alison - Well put.
Helena Sprake
----- Original Message -----
From: Alison Rose Levy
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sent: Monday, November 28, 2005 4:47 PM
Subject: Re: [ConstellationTalk] finally resolving my cyber-constellation
Dear Sarah:
I haven't heard that anyone is trying to either silence or "cut" Tom out of
our group-- nor as can be seen by many of the postings, Tom is not alone in
being identified with jesters, victims, renegades, or outcasts, as no doubt
many of us drawn to this work have carried the identification with the excluded
ones in our systems. I know I have.
But I am questioning whether Tom's personal process should be, as it has
become, our central focus.
And why is that happening?
My own first email to Tom, (written three months ago) after he had referred
to Bert as the "German Pope," alludes to my own identification with scapegoat
dynamics. And (rushing in where angels fear to tread) has something to do
with my willingness to step forth, risking the cries of protest, and say: "I've
had enough of Tom serving as the mascot/focus/chief client of our group-- let
Tom do his process in the most effective place for it and let's move on.."
In AA, they call the entertaining personality who has to dance to distract
attention from others in a dysfunctional system, the "mascot." In the DSM, they
call someone who has the ability to engage others in their drama a "borderline"
personality.
I'm not bringing this up to label Tom but to point out the imbalance of
attention, and to question whether it is healing for the individual or for the
group.
I'd contributed a post a while back on borderline personalities, and shared
that I've a close family member with this issue, and perhaps that is why I
quite frankly find three months of continual about or from Tom Posts
triggering. My fear is that the need for attention is insatiable. There is
always the sense that resolution lies around the corner, but resolution does
not occur.
In my own experience, the borderline drama both entertains and takes up all
the oxygen so that no one else's issues have room. For example, Sheila
recently, in commenting on the nieces and nephews question wrote a simple,
poignant, and quite personal sentence about her own system that struck me
deeply-- but a quiet sharing like hers does not provoke a flurry of comment and
response. We all need mirroring when we share meaningful material and take the
risk of revealing ourselves to each other-- and we need the space to give it
to each other.
In fact, Sarah, your post makes me wonder whether the real problem is not
that Tom is over-sharing about his process, but maybe that others, like you
perhaps, are under-sharing. Or that sharing, when gently offered, does not
always find a response. Maybe now that we all have been Tom-asized, we all need
to take responsibility and open up about ourselves, rather than being silently
entertained by his openness while permitting him to take all the risks.
If, for one, would wonder what it is in your family system that made you feel
so fearful that we would be trying to "silence" Tom-- and please feel free to
contemplate silently or out loud as feels right to you.
Finally, my concern is that as wonderful as this group is, and let's face it,
this is an exceptional and amazing forum, I'm not sure whether it is truly
effective in offering a healing container in the same way that a workshop
setting is; and as such although Tom can write the words "my cyber
constellation," this is not the true purpose of this group, nor are we
committed to providing that kind of "holding." For me, the bottom line is that,
Wild West metaphors aside, Tom is bursting like a jack-in-the-box out of his LA
group -- and attempting to find a container within this forum. Why? Fast
Eddie-- c'mon along, and get your guy-- he's wandered over here onto my
pasture...
Oh, and final words to you Tom, pal, not to censure you and not to silence
you. Two comments: Comment Number One: At times, speaking up may be the healing
movement, and at other times, learning to "hold ones peace," may be the healing
movement. Comment Number Two: To whom do you need to bow? Don't tell me-- just
do it. Or if you want to tell me, come to my workshop in New York City this
Saturday. (Okay, Chris? I'm not promoting my workshop because I'm only inviting
Tom!)
love,
Alison
On 11/28/05 5:28 PM, sarahmoore@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx at sarahmoore@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
wrote:
dear group,
i haven't posted very much recently, but still read the group. i have found
some of the latterly discussions very interesting and informative from a
constellation point of view, and appreciate the diversity of wisdom experience
and opinion on this forum.
i also have really appreciated thomas energy and erudition on this forum. i
find his humour a little adolescent to my particular fancies at times, but he
has amply explained why this is so, by dint of asperger's and his long term
job. any humour that is not to my taste is more than ameliorated, in my
estimation, by the contribution thomas makes to the group, in his courage to
approach perhaps slightly taboo topics with intelligence and often quite
penetrating insight, and in his willingness to examine his own process, both
within and without the constellation setting. what more could we ask from a
group member of this little system?
i find it more worrying that various people within this system have set
themselves up as representatives of an establishment that needs to censor
humour that is not to the taste of everybody, and not only the humour but the
person injecting what is - to me - a vital ingredient in life and systems in
general - the ability to ask questions of ourselves, to point out how we
obscure our own freedoms sometimes with slavishness to a doctrine or ideology
of another at the expense of the truth standing there within the circle. not
all remarks of a jester in a group are valid, but the right to make those is
infinitely so, for they force us to examine and really look at the emperor's in
our middle.
so please, i would ask, out of respect for the health and integrity of our
own system, and out of respect of what is truth and what is intelligent and
disparate comment within the humour of thomas' observations, can we allow and
tolerate and even enjoy the diversity of his contributions, without feeling
compelled to silence or cut him out of our little cyber constellation.
love to all
sarah
>--- In ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx, EJ52@A... wrote:
>>
>> Dear Thomas,
>
>> I think you have been representing Jesse James, a constellator from the
>> midwest of America, whose work is well known. I believe his Family
Constellations with Cole Younger and Frank Dalton to be the best ever recorded.
He also was a chronicler of train traffic and small town banks. A major
difference between you two is that he did not know Eddie Z.
>> Ed
>_____________________
>
>Dear Ed,
>
>Wow, what an eye- and heart-opening response! I was convinced that I was
representing someone still alive, but now you make me realize that I had been
excluding the dead ones. Shame on me. And Duh! Here I am posturing during the
month of November, when the Dead Ones are to be celebrated, and I fail to
consider that I might be representing one of their ilk.
>
>And with the offering of Jesse James, that inspires me to create an old
fashioned Wild West wanted poster.
>___________________________________________
> WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!!!
>
> The person Thomas is representing
> in his cyber-constellation
>_____________________________
>
>I'm also very heartened by the Jesse James attribution as you touch upon
the systemic dynamics of robbery. Stealing in any form seems to be an
expression of an interrupted movement in taking what the parents have to give.
In adult life, this can manifest as a deeply unconscious sense of entitlement
where someone takes from the public treasure house of society what could not be
taken easily from Mom and Dad. It may also be that the robber on the lam then
carries the guilt of the parents as his own even after he is captured and put
away in the pen.
>
>I may not be robbing physical banks in this lifetime, but as for "soul
banks?" That's worthy of a full FC.
>
>Now, Ed, as a reward for putting forth a candidate for me, I have conjured
up a nickname for you, a proper sobriquet that will express your (systemic?)
essence --- at least as far as I know you, which is not much right now.
However, what first came to mind was:
>
>Easy Eddie Lynch
>
>mainly because of the ease with which you work with the dead ones in
constellations. However an extended name also came up.
>
>Over Easy Eddie Lynch
>
>I'll let you decide which is more fitting and when I get to know you more,
perhaps a new and improved name may emerge.
>
>I'm also so glad that you got to know Eddie Z. in Portland. And by the
way, for the benefit of all you CT members out there, Edward Zawidowski told me
specifically that if I did not refer to him as Uncle Eddie on the CT forum, he
would feel insulted.
>
>However, I was moved to change his name from Uncle Eddie to a more fitting
Fast Eddie.
>
>At our first training session, we were discussing the CT "flap" over my
references to Uncle Bert, etc., which were judged disrespectful and offended
several people here. While I do feel sorry for offending those people and I
even feel the need to apologize to them, I also have to realize that we are
facilitators in training here, and we need to go beyond personal sympathies and
antipathies brought up by each other.
>
>So, my fellow CT colleagues: I honestly did not consciously intend to
insult or show disrespect to Bert Hellinger. Over the last three months, I have
become conscious of a lot of the perp energy I have been carrying, and much of
that due to my "constellation twin" Stefan Bajon, who expressed great insight
into my situation in his recent post.
>
>(Stefan and I have represented each other and each other's family members
(even each other's bodies fer Chrissake!) in many constellations here in L.A.
so I'm happy that he can act as a real grounding kind of older brother figure
for me when I get too rambunctious on this forum.)
>
>At any rate, I do apologize to all on the list who may have been offended
by my Frank Farrelly type references to Bert. And thank you Over Easy Eddie for
smoothing the way this morning for me to discharge a lot of this tension
hanging in the cyber-air.
>
>Thomas
>
>
> PS Perhaps you may gain some insight into my character or lack of it, if
you realize that I have been a high school teacher of math and physics. Just
imagine being locked up in a room for an hour with 25 teenagers and your job is
to get them to do what they don't really want to do. And you are trapped inside
together until the bell rings. That may possibly explain why my "threshold of
disrespect" may be a lot higher than the normal. I mean if you want to be an
MD, you have to be able to overcome the natural recoiling emotions related to
blood, gore and broken bodies. Similarly, high school teachers develop an
analogous immunity to insults, name-calling and other joyous expressions of
raging adolescence. I have to realize that I am now in a cyber classroom of
sorts with adults where I am representing my own systemically arrested
adolescence, not to mention the Catholic Church as Stefan points out so deftly.
>
>
>
>
>
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