Hello ConstellationTalk-members,
Thank you, Bertold, for bringing up this issue. I think it is a very important one and it gives me the push for sharing my experiences untill now around this issue.
During my years of working with cliënts in private practice and in many groups, I had the experience that when people say that they forgave their parents or other people for whatsoever, it always felt like a mental decision. Usually I had the strong feeling that is was also an attempt to avoid feelings (rage and deep hurt ) connected to the issue concerned by "taking a stand above it all".
One of my great teachers, Hameed Almaas, adresses the process of this mental decision as coming from a message of the spiritual superego saying: 'Thou shallt forgive!' And if we do, we feel great and serene, in peace with our (spiritual) superego. But in the heart of the matter there is no peace in the person's soul and no peace with the persons concerned. We feel moral superior, as you said and as Bert Hellinger pointed out as well. These spiritual superego-messages seem to be one of the hardest messages to recognize and counterattack or neutralize in ourselves.
It is my personal experience, which has also been affirmed by some others, that the experience of forgiving is more an inner peace in one's soul, a blessing for yourself, which comes from working yourself through all the feelings of rage and hurt and seeing one's own part in the issue. This inner space that arises when these painfull feelings start to dissolve, can give room for understanding the issue in a wider context. The issue itself retires more and more in the background. From the peace around this issue in your soul a different attitude can grow. There can be feelings of mildness f.i. And still then you have to let yourself be surprised if one day you feel the old hurt again, maybe accompanied by the physical contraction that might bring up the anger. All of a sudden, there it is, still not completely gone.
So I rather not speak out loudly this word "forgiving" myself and have my doubts with anyone who do feel the urge to openly say "I forgive". It carries the smell of arrogance and grandiosity. Come to think of: even Jesus Christ himself , as it's told, did not forgive the people who crucified him, but he asked the father (the greater whole) to do so.
Writing down my ideas around this issue, it brings me to another quite interesting issue that Peter (my husband) and I are dealing with quite often.
Many people coming to workshops have an overtly or secret hope that by doing one or two constellations, their difficulties will be solved. If not, they come for a third round or start shopping around. Although for many people it may bring a solution for a specific issue, for others it can only bring some more insight into their situation or more insight into a way of thinking and behaving f.i. A very powerful insight, but also very often difficult to handle. Usually the hard work needs to be done by ourselves, preferrably before a constellation, often afterwards.
For most of our "life-difficulties" there are no solutions but living your live to the fullest and dealing with what comes up. You cannot hand that over to a constellation. We think that there is simply a limit to what a constellation (and a constellator!) can do. There is not such a thing as a magic wand and we think that we - as constellators - all need to see this very clearly in order to stay out of these famous feelings of arrogance and grandiosity.
The hardest job is (when there are difficulties) not to expect the world around us to change but to change the way we look at the world, to grow up as Bert Hellinger would say and pay the price for it, whatever it cost.
Love to hear more reactions and greetings for you all,
Otteline van Zuilekom-Lamet
bertold.ulsamer@xxxxxxxxxxx heeft op woensdag, 28 apr 2004 om 19:30 (Europe/Amsterdam) het volgende geschreven:
Tmorrow I go to the training in Zist. I am looking forward to the new adventures there.<image.tiff>
Before that just some thoughts about „forgiving“.
Are faciltators of family constellations against forgiveness? Are they feeling somehow superior in non-forgiving, in denying it? More “right”?
When I met Bert Hellinger I was stuck by the many new insights I got through him. They were shatterin a lot of my old beliefs. But very soon I got the feeling: It is good that my old beliefs are shattered, but I do not want them to be replaced by new beliefs (now from Bert). Because I think that truth is complimentary and contains many contradictions.
So first I liked it so much that forgivingness is over - and later I started to look more precisely and and to see it more in a more balanced way (following my opinion).
Not the words count “I forgive you” or “I forgave my parents”. People are often not so precise with words and their meaning. It is the attitude behind which counts. I can forgive my parents out of understanding. I start to see them as persons with ther own burden, with their own destiny. And out of this seeing peace comes - and people say “I forgive”.
Or I can feel morally superior and forgive. And this forgiveness is arrogance.
Shattering my new beliefs about forgiveness very strongly was an interview with Eva Mozes Kor. She was as a child in the concentration camp and was victim of the cruel medical experiments of the doctor Mengele. She says: “Justive does not help the victims. I deny to play the role of the victim. When I started to forgive I lost a burden which I have carried for 50 years. A survivor has the right to forgive. Because this helps him to become sane.”
Peter en Otteline van Zuilekom-Lamet
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