Dan Cohen, responding to Sheila, wrote in part:
"Sheila raises a key point that focuses on a key consideration. She writes, ?I
sense a vein of disrespect and disregard for the mother.? I think this is
important. The conversation with the mother was 10 years (not 10 days) ago.
He has honored her request not to make contact again. It pains him to go
through his adult life without any familial contact, even though his mother and
5 siblings live in his small city. It?s a heavy weight of aloneness to carry.
How far does his obligation to honor his mother?s instructions and wishes
extend? He?s accepted no contact with her. In making up ?his own mind? about
whether to contact his siblings does honoring his mother mean he follows her
instructions at this level? The mother?s wish to die with her secret intact
comes at heavy price, for this man, his siblings, and perhaps nephews or nieces
who are entangled in his fate. Can he honor her for giving him life, agree to
her choice of giving him up, bow to her, and defy her instructions to
perpetuate the secret in his generation line and the next? "
I have been reading Michael Gurran,s work Mothers, Sons and Lovers, D.
Blankenhorn's Fatherhood in America, and the War Against Boys at the same time
as watching this wonderful, thought provoking blog.
In my family therapy practice focused on reconnecting persons to their
familes for many years, Bert's ideas have a ring of deep deep truth. What on
one level appears to be "disrespect" may be the willingness to dive into a
field that has a truth that temporary social forces have made politically or
countertransferentially improbable or unpopular. What is popular is not
necessarily true,
what is Truth is not necessarily popular. The Heart has a Reason culturally
conserved mind(J.L.Moreno) knows not.
Nice post Dan,a dank, Joseph m. Pirone, New York
Thanks for all the excellent replies; a lot of good insight. Much of what has been said is straight forward and can be appreciated and taken in without comment.
Sheila raises a key point that focuses on a key consideration. She writes, “I sense a vein of disrespect and disregard for the mother.” I think this is important. The conversation with the mother was 10 years (not 10 days) ago. He has honored her request not to make contact again. It pains him to go through his adult life without any familial contact, even though his mother and 5 siblings live in his small city. It’s a heavy weight of aloneness to carry.
How far does his obligation to honor his mother’s instructions and wishes extend? He’s accepted no contact with her. In making up “his own mind” about whether to contact his siblings does honoring his mother mean he follows her instructions at this level? The mother’s wish to die with her secret intact comes at heavy price, for this man, his siblings, and perhaps nephews or nieces who are entangled in his fate. Can he honor her for giving him life, agree to her choice of giving him up, bow to her, and defy her instructions to perpetuate the secret in his generation line and the next?
I agree that we don’t give definitive answers to these questions. Our method is to setup a Constellation and look, as several of you have said. Still, as this question and the many responses show, we do integrate what we learn from the field into a set of generalized guidelines to behavior.
The impression from the cumulative responses is that his mother’s right to secrecy does not automatically supersede the man’s right to his place in the family. We can ask who is the weak and vulnerable one in the system, to whom does our heart open? As John Payne suggested, it is the children of the siblings who become entangled in the fate of the lost uncle. What serves the mother may not best serve them. As Francesca gently remains us every time, the answer is: All Our Relations.
I’ll share something else this man told me over lunch this week. He said a number of years ago he came home after work and was sitting in the kitchen with his adoptive mother. She was feeling slightly ill. As they sat there, in their usual uneventful and non-communicative way, she blurted out, in a serious and heart-felt tone, “I did the best I could to raise you.” He thought the statement was remarkable, because she had never shared anything personal and heart-felt. He felt it humanized her in an important way. That night she died in her sleep. When we setup his Constellation last year, the representative for the adoptive mother said the exact same words.
Everyone in the room that night knew we were in the presence of profound truths, but only he knew this synchronicity.
Dan
-----Original Message-----
From:
ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx [mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx] On Behalf Of sheila saunders
Sent: Saturday,
January 28, 2006 10:21 PM
To:
ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: RE: [ConstellationTalk]
Digest Number 532
The question was, should he honor his mother's request not to contact her again. I say, of course! Not because she is his mother, but because she asked that he not contact her again. In my mind that is quite straightforward. As for contacting his siblings, he can make up his own mind on that. He's a grown man. And I don't see any of that as advice, but rather a statement of reality for one that is understandably confused by his own strong emotions and unable to see clearly what is there. He can take his place in the family as the 6th and accept the life he was given at the price that his mother and father paid and at the price that it cost him. And he can turn from facing his mother with his request of "more, please" and turn towards his life with what he was given. With gratitude towards his mother and father for life, and to his adoptive parents who helped him survive. I sense a vein of disrespect and disregard for the mother and feel that a more helpful attitude towards the mother might be, your decisions and their consequences are yours, a part of your fate and your dignity; I make the decisions in my life and I carry the consequences of them. The mother owes him nothing. It seems to me that he is neither lost nor a secret if he knows his place and stands in it. The family soul will recognize that he is in his place, so no need to balance.
I love reading all your responses and seeing the names of those I know and love and have such respect for. Greetings!! xsheila
Sheila Saunders, RN, MFT
Systemic Family Solutions
sheila@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
www.systemicfamilysolutions.com
PO Box 2467
Fairview, NC. 28730
828-273-5015
Message:
2
Date: Fri, 27 Jan 2006 19:52:59 -0500
From: "Dan Booth Cohen" <danbcohen@xxxxxxx>
Subject: Adoption Question
A former client asked me a question which I am passing along to the group.
He is in his late 30s, living in a remote small city in the Great Plains
area of the northwestern United States. His mother was married with 5
children when she became pregnant after a one-night stand with an interstate
truck driver. She concealed the pregnancy and gave him up for adoption at
birth. We did a Constellation about 2 years ago, which was very intense.
He reports it had a strong and positive impact on him.
About 10 years ago he obtained the name of his mother through the adoption
agency and telephoned her. They spoke for a while. The mother never
saw
his father again and knows nothing of his whereabouts. She was apologetic
and asked him not to contact her again.
He asked me whether he should accept his mother's request to have no further
contact. I sat with the question overnight. My response was to ask
him a
series of questions: What will you do when you read her obituary in the
local newspaper? Do you go to the funeral? After she dies, can you
respectfully contact your siblings? If yes, must you wait until she dies
before doing so?
I do not have good answers for these questions. One concern is that to
the
siblings, he is the excluded one. It would not surprise me if one of them
is suffering on his behalf.
Can anyone share your reflections on the systemic relationship between these
half-siblings? What is a good course of action in these situations?
I will share your responses with this man.
Thanks again for all.
Dan
