Dear Dan, Bubula et al
Perhaps I may add a little postcript to the responses to your initial
request.
I speak from my experience as one who has grown up without the mirror of
ancestry - ie I am an adoptee.
My heart goes out to your client Dan and I feel his alienation from his
ancestral line, his siblings, etc. As you so rightly say, "It's a heavy
weight of aloneness to carry".
My own story has some parallels that might be of interest/support, as I too
made a 10 year promise. At about 21, I traced (with great difficulty in
those days as records were not 'open') the address of my birth mother. One
day, after much much deliberation and concern for the impact on my mother,
any relatives, etc etc., a friend and I went to her house. My friend
knocked on the door whilst I waited shaking in the car. She had moved years
ago. Emigrated to Canada (this address was in the UK). But as 'luck' would
have it, her mother, (my grandmother of course), lived in a nearby village
and my friend was given her address. So, we went to this address. My
grandmother was there, and she came out to the car, she knew I would come
one day she said. She recognised me (as I was/am identical to her daughter
- my mother - although I didn't know this then). She was initially very
welcoming, promising me weekends with my aunts and cousins - I thought I had
won the lottery of life and my soul soared. However 2 days later I received
a letter from her very forcefully 'instructing' me never to contact them
again, and never to write/contact my mother in Canada and 'upset her happy
life'. My father, of course, was 'no good'. I, crumpled, defeated,
promised this family matriarch and I kept my promise for 10 years. She was
at the time 75, and when I judged she was 85, (and dead or so I thought) and
still beset by all the same needs/reasons etc., I wrote to my mother. This
letter was not well received and she wrote back immediately begging me not
to write again, I had once again 'ruined her happy life'. (She did not know
I had met her mother - my grandmother - 10 years before).
I left the UK for Australia and for a further twenty years I buried it all.
It took a lot of courage to make the contact and I could not bear to be
rejected again. Eight years ago I became angry for the first time. What if
I had sisters or brothers, maybe I could have a relationship with them, if
not my mother. I wrote to her again. This time it worked. I flew to
Canada from Australia six weeks later and was reunited with her and my 3
half-sisters, and I returned with my younger son the following year. I
gave her a Congratulations on the Birth of your Daughter card with a bunch
of roses with tiny pink rosebuds, one rosebud for each year we had been
apart (it was a huge bunch!) neither of which she got when she gave birth to
me 'in disgrace' all those years ago. She bitterly regrets closing the door
to me in the past - she thought her subsequent children would blame her,
which of course they didn't. It has not been easy, partly because of the
distance, she is now old and very frail, and it is doubtful that I will see
her again in this lifetime, but I will have some sort of ongoing contact
with my sisters. One sister's initial reaction was interesting and perhaps
relevant - one sister who claimed to be the black sheep of the family,
immediately offered her love and support, irrespective of how things went
with the other two and my mother (this was on the phone before I visited).
She said she always knew 'something was missing'. Interestingly also, the
sisters have commented that now they know about me, it makes their mother's
'behaviour' over the years easier to fathom, things fall into place.
It was fear that stopped her from opening her heart to me all those years
ago. Now Dan, my dear mother and I are not in the same continent, let
alone the same city, if your client has his potential family around the
corner, tell him not to let 'fear' be his guide but to honour his heart and
accept whatever transpires. I didn't feel 'real' until I met my own
family. I hope he doesn't have to wait as long as I did.
My apologies for rambling on; I feel priviledged to be a part of this group
(even though not a constellator) as I read/witness so many fascinating,
insightful 'conversations' between a wonderful world wide group of people.
Long may it continue.
Jan Bancroft
Perth, Western Australia
-----Original Message-----
From: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx] On Behalf Of Dan Booth Cohen
Sent: Sunday, 29 January 2006 12:46
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: [ConstellationTalk] Adoption Question
Thanks for all the excellent replies; a lot of good insight. Much of what
has been said is straight forward and can be appreciated and taken in
without comment.
Sheila raises a key point that focuses on a key consideration. She writes,
“I sense a vein of disrespect and disregard for the mother.” I think this
is important. The conversation with the mother was 10 years (not 10 days)
ago. He has honored her request not to make contact again. It pains him to
go through his adult life without any familial contact, even though his
mother and 5 siblings live in his small city. It’s a heavy weight of
aloneness to carry.
How far does his obligation to honor his mother’s instructions and wishes
extend? He’s accepted no contact with her. In making up “his own mind”
about whether to contact his siblings does honoring his mother mean he
follows her instructions at this level? The mother’s wish to die with her
secret intact comes at heavy price, for this man, his siblings, and perhaps
nephews or nieces who are entangled in his fate. Can he honor her for
giving him life, agree to her choice of giving him up, bow to her, and defy
her instructions to perpetuate the secret in his generation line and the
next?
I agree that we don’t give definitive answers to these questions. Our
method is to setup a Constellation and look, as several of you have said.
Still, as this question and the many responses show, we do integrate what we
learn from the field into a set of generalized guidelines to behavior.
The impression from the cumulative responses is that his mother’s right to
secrecy does not automatically supersede the man’s right to his place in the
family. We can ask who is the weak and vulnerable one in the system, to
whom does our heart open? As John Payne suggested, it is the children of
the siblings who become entangled in the fate of the lost uncle. What
serves the mother may not best serve them. As Francesca gently remains us
every time, the answer is: All Our Relations.
I’ll share something else this man told me over lunch this week. He said a
number of years ago he came home after work and was sitting in the kitchen
with his adoptive mother. She was feeling slightly ill. As they sat there,
in their usual uneventful and non-communicative way, she blurted out, in a
serious and heart-felt tone, “I did the best I could to raise you.” He
thought the statement was remarkable, because she had never shared anything
personal and heart-felt. He felt it humanized her in an important way.
That night she died in her sleep. When we setup his Constellation last
year, the representative for the adoptive mother said the exact same words.
Everyone in the room that night knew we were in the presence of profound
truths, but only he knew this synchronicity.
Dan
-----Original Message-----
From: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx] On Behalf Of sheila saunders
Sent: Saturday, January 28, 2006 10:21 PM
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: RE: [ConstellationTalk] Digest Number 532
The question was, should he honor his mother's request not to contact her
again. I say, of course! Not because she is his mother, but because she
asked that he not contact her again. In my mind that is quite
straightforward. As for contacting his siblings, he can make up his own mind
on that. He's a grown man. And I don't see any of that as advice, but rather
a statement of reality for one that is understandably confused by his own
strong emotions and unable to see clearly what is there. He can take his
place in the family as the 6th and accept the life he was given at the price
that his mother and father paid and at the price that it cost him. And he
can turn from facing his mother with his request of "more, please" and turn
towards his life with what he was given. With gratitude towards his mother
and father for life, and to his adoptive parents who helped him survive. I
sense a vein of disrespect and disregard for the mother and feel that a more
helpful attitude towards the mother might be, your decisions and their
consequences are yours, a part of your fate and your dignity; I make the
decisions in my life and I carry the consequences of them. The mother owes
him nothing. It seems to me that he is neither lost nor a secret if he knows
his place and stands in it. The family soul will recognize that he is in his
place, so no need to balance.
I love reading all your responses and seeing the names of those I know and
love and have such respect for. Greetings!! xsheila
Sheila Saunders, RN, MFT
Systemic Family Solutions
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Message: 2
Date: Fri, 27 Jan 2006 19:52:59 -0500
From: "Dan Booth Cohen" <HYPERLINK
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-0000-0000-000000000001&a=027ebabdebb4fd9d7df6c4b0fa00693df7bd26a2932ff75bdc
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Subject: Adoption Question
A former client asked me a question which I am passing along to the group.
He is in his late 30s, living in a remote small city in the Great Plains
area of the northwestern United States. His mother was married with 5
children when she became pregnant after a one-night stand with an interstate
truck driver. She concealed the pregnancy and gave him up for adoption at
birth. We did a Constellation about 2 years ago, which was very intense.
He reports it had a strong and positive impact on him.
About 10 years ago he obtained the name of his mother through the adoption
agency and telephoned her. They spoke for a while. The mother never saw
his father again and knows nothing of his whereabouts. She was apologetic
and asked him not to contact her again.
He asked me whether he should accept his mother's request to have no further
contact. I sat with the question overnight. My response was to ask him a
series of questions: What will you do when you read her obituary in the
local newspaper? Do you go to the funeral? After she dies, can you
respectfully contact your siblings? If yes, must you wait until she dies
before doing so?
I do not have good answers for these questions. One concern is that to the
siblings, he is the excluded one. It would not surprise me if one of them
is suffering on his behalf.
Can anyone share your reflections on the systemic relationship between these
half-siblings? What is a good course of action in these situations?
I will share your responses with this man.
Thanks again for all.
Dan
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