Hi Dan,
My responses between your paragraphs.................
Hi All - The views on compassion and empathy connect to our parallel discussion
about transference/counter transference. When I work, I rarely feel either
empathy or compassion. I feel more like a white-water rafting guide, who needs
to be focused and skillful, but aware that the river is moving the boat beyond
my control. I often feel awed and amazed but what emerges, as the river takes
an unexpected turn and the constellated scene becomes exquisite and filled with
powerful emotions and insights.
Empathy and compassion sometimes feel like traps that draw me into an
inappropriate relationship with the client. The therapeutic stance in
client-centered therapy is begins with empathy for the client. Without fully
understanding my reasons, I avoid empathy with my clients, particularly when I
am facilitating. For example, the incarcerated men I see every month have
become dear to me. I have a great deal of affection and respect for them, but
I can't say I understand what they feel nor feel what they feel. Nor would I
want to. When we work together, we are in a secured room, observed by armed
guards, surrounded by tall walls, guard towers and razor wire. Their guilt and
its consequences are always very present. It's important that I not feel sorry
for them or treat them like children. As Eva Madelung has written, "The
dignity of the perpetrator lies in his guilt." I want to avoid restoring their
good conscience; better that they carry their bad conscience with strength and
dignity. That is really something special.
Firstly I commend you for working in prisons, it is not something I could
imagine myself doing, I think it takes a very special kind of person to
undertake such work. I find some of your comments a little surprising,
especially about avoiding empathy and your statement of not wanting to feel
what they feel? I have personally found the role of being a representative
especially valuable in terms of understanding many of the situations I have had
the priviliedge of dealing with, for example, I've represented an autistic
child a number of times and now 'recognise' the energy when it presents itself.
Also, in terms of perpetrators, I've also clearly seen that one single act of
crime or violence or murder does not dfefine the entire person, but simply a
part of them, as they still love those that are dear for them, and for the most
part, have a deep longing for their mother ortheir father. Knwing this enables
me to see that there is a possibility for them to reach for their 'better'
selves and express this. This doesn't mean that they become absolved of their
'sins', to the contrary, it strenghtens their ability to hold their guilt with
more strength and dignity as they realise that they are still human and can
aslo be more in touch with the pain they have caused others. As a facilitator I
find it very important to create opportunities where I can stand in as a
representative for situations that I either have little personal expereince of,
or that present themselves time and again in workshops.
I once worked with a man that had been involved in torturing suspected
terrorists as part of South Africa's campaign in Angola some years ago. It was
not until his parents were brought into the constellation and he could feel
their outpouring of love could he then look at his victims directly and have
the strength to carry his own guilt. In essnece, the presence of his parents
made him human again and in becoming human, he could feel his heart and also
see the Angolans as human. My experience of violent men is that they have lost
their humanity and their ability to touch love along the way, mostly for
systemic reasons. Rather than point out 'look what you've done' as the frist
step, I feel it is important to allow them to feel 'look what I've become/look
what I've lost" first. In this way, as they become human again, they aslo begin
to see their victims as humans too and thus able to mourn as one. Of course,
the context of my work, dealing with war crimes, may indeed be very different
to working with criminals in the normal sense of the word, but somehow, I feel
it would be very similar....so just some thoughts.
I doubt this is all based on any kind of special understanding. Maybe I just
don't experience myself as a particularly empathic or compassionate person. So
it could just be my way of rationalizing how I already am. Then again, I
recently heard an audio recording of a Constellation I led several months ago.
How I sounded on tape was nothing like the inner image I'm presenting. I was
incredibly paternalistic, speaking to the client in the same tone and manner
that I speak to my daughters, caring, totally attentive and concerned, there to
take good care of them. So perhaps all I've said above is just my own nonsense
talking.
Indeed, perhaps.
Thanks for sharing Dan,
John
*************************************************************************
The South African Institute for Family Constellations
Tel: 011 614 0821
www.familyconstellations.net
NEW BOOK: "The Healing of Individuals, Families and Nations"
Details: www.familyconstellations.net/newbook.htm
Dan
