Hi All - The views on compassion and empathy connect to our parallel
discussion about transference/counter transference. When I work, I rarely
feel either empathy or compassion. I feel more like a white-water rafting
guide, who needs to be focused and skillful, but aware that the river is
moving the boat beyond my control. I often feel awed and amazed but what
emerges, as the river takes an unexpected turn and the constellated scene
becomes exquisite and filled with powerful emotions and insights.
Empathy and compassion sometimes feel like traps that draw me into an
inappropriate relationship with the client. The therapeutic stance in
client-centered therapy is begins with empathy for the client. Without
fully understanding my reasons, I avoid empathy with my clients,
particularly when I am facilitating. For example, the incarcerated men I
see every month have become dear to me. I have a great deal of affection
and respect for them, but I can't say I understand what they feel nor feel
what they feel. Nor would I want to. When we work together, we are in a
secured room, observed by armed guards, surrounded by tall walls, guard
towers and razor wire. Their guilt and its consequences are always very
present. It's important that I not feel sorry for them or treat them like
children. As Eva Madelung has written, "The dignity of the perpetrator lies
in his guilt." I want to avoid restoring their good conscience; better that
they carry their bad conscience with strength and dignity. That is really
something special.
I doubt this is all based on any kind of special understanding. Maybe I
just don't experience myself as a particularly empathic or compassionate
person. So it could just be my way of rationalizing how I already am. Then
again, I recently heard an audio recording of a Constellation I led several
months ago. How I sounded on tape was nothing like the inner image I'm
presenting. I was incredibly paternalistic, speaking to the client in the
same tone and manner that I speak to my daughters, caring, totally attentive
and concerned, there to take good care of them. So perhaps all I've said
above is just my own nonsense talking.
Dan
-----Original Message-----
From: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx] On Behalf Of Family
Constellations
Sent: Sunday, September 11, 2005 4:57 PM
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: Re: [ConstellationTalk] Adoption - Thank you
Hi Margreet,
For me, Compassion (medelijden) is a stronger word than empathy
(medevoelen). For me empathy is when we have an understanding of what
another feels, and compassion is that we feel what they feel and take it
into our heart, and is more deeply felt.
John
*************************************************************************
The South African Institute for Family Constellations
Tel: 011 614 0821
www.familyconstellations.net
NEW BOOK: "The Healing of Individuals, Families and Nations"
Details: www.familyconstellations.net/newbook.htm
----- Original Message -----
From: Margreet <mailto:margreetmossel@xxxxxxxx> Mossel
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sent: Sunday, September 11, 2005 10:44 PM
Subject: Re: [ConstellationTalk] Adoption - Thank you
dear collegues
in reaction to this article I wonder if this is a translation or a quote?
This text is a bit more harsh than I am used to from Bert Hellinger. And I
am always aware that his english has a different quality than his German.
This subject refers to what hellinger calls the orders of helping. One of
them, I rather call it 'aspects of (systemic) helping' is that our empathy
is not with the client but with the system. (Compassion is more like the
weaker form of empathy, is that correct in English?) The way I understand
it, this is not a 'recipy for action' but a way to open our hearts for
everyone (in the system) in cluding the ones who needs it most: the child
who pays the price for the descision of the adults. If we open our heart for
everyone than we are more present and available, we judge less and maybe we
stay unentangeld a little bit longer. From there we are more likely to sense
what the next step would be that helps the system one step forward. To have
pity with the mother or the father, would that weaken them or strenghten
them? And would it weaken us or strengthen us? And what would be the effect?
I find these sort of questions helpfull when life becomes complicated.
By the way, I just came home from a more than inspiring workshop with Judith
Hemming. I feel very nourished and grateful for this work.
with love
Margreet Mossel
www.opstellingen.com
As ----- Original Message -----
From: Family Constellations <mailto:familyconstellations@xxxxxxxxxxxx>
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sent: Sunday, September 11, 2005 9:18 PM
Subject: [ConstellationTalk] Adoption - Thank you
Hi all,
Thank you to everyone that responded to my request for an article on
adoption. All of the resources that were pointed, I already have, I was
specifically looking for an article as such, but thank you anyway for your
efforts and sense of community. Whilst searching I came across the
following:
"Comments on adoption
In family constellations it is very important that the therapist has no
compassion with those who were guilty. If such a mother would come to a
psychotherapist, how many psychotherapists would have pity on her. What
happens if they have pity with the mother? How is their attitude towards the
child? They have no pity on the child. Therefore in family therapy, the
therapist first of all gives a place in his heart to the person who has
suffered most. And this is the child. He looks for a solution for the child,
and he does not take away any responsibility from those who were cruel on
the child. Not that I condemn these parents. We don't know the
circumstances. But still, they were the parents and they were responsible
for the child. The truth was, that they gave away the child forever"
If I were unfamiliar with constellation work, I would find the above quite
offensive, in fact, I still have a few problems with it as I feel it is not
fully explained and does the work we do no justice. For example, most, if
not all, of the women I have worked with that have given up a child for
adoption were mere teenagers when they did so and therefore I feel that they
are deserving of compassion as for the most part, it would seem that their
parents had more to do with the decision making process than anything else.
In such cases, I would say that the grandparents of the child are the ones
that gave up their grandchild forever. Any thoughts?
Altough I agree that the child is the one that has suffered the most, does
not the mother suffer much under theses circumstances, in my view, very much
so. How can a child of 16 challnge its parents and keep a child against
their will?
I am certain that Hellinger does not mean to say "In family constellations
it is very important that the therapist has no compassion with those who
were guilty" is applied tosuch teenage girls who give up their children
under duress.
I find these statements rather strong.....
regards,
John
*************************************************************************
The South African Institute for Family Constellations
Tel: 011 614 0821
www.familyconstellations.net
NEW BOOK: "The Healing of Individuals, Families and Nations"
Details: www.familyconstellations.net/newbook.htm
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