dear collegues
in reaction to this article I wonder if this is a translation or a quote? This
text is a bit more harsh than I am used to from Bert Hellinger. And I am always
aware that his english has a different quality than his German.
This subject refers to what hellinger calls the orders of helping. One of them,
I rather call it 'aspects of (systemic) helping' is that our empathy is not
with the client but with the system. (Compassion is more like the weaker form
of empathy, is that correct in English?) The way I understand it, this is not a
'recipy for action' but a way to open our hearts for everyone (in the system)
in cluding the ones who needs it most: the child who pays the price for the
descision of the adults. If we open our heart for everyone than we are more
present and available, we judge less and maybe we stay unentangeld a little bit
longer. From there we are more likely to sense what the next step would be that
helps the system one step forward. To have pity with the mother or the father,
would that weaken them or strenghten them? And would it weaken us or strengthen
us? And what would be the effect?
I find these sort of questions helpfull when life becomes complicated.
By the way, I just came home from a more than inspiring workshop with Judith
Hemming. I feel very nourished and grateful for this work.
with love
Margreet Mossel
www.opstellingen.com
As ----- Original Message -----
From: Family Constellations
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sent: Sunday, September 11, 2005 9:18 PM
Subject: [ConstellationTalk] Adoption - Thank you
Hi all,
Thank you to everyone that responded to my request for an article on
adoption. All of the resources that were pointed, I already have, I was
specifically looking for an article as such, but thank you anyway for your
efforts and sense of community. Whilst searching I came across the following:
"Comments on adoption
In family constellations it is very important that the therapist has no
compassion with those who were guilty. If such a mother would come to a
psychotherapist, how many psychotherapists would have pity on her. What happens
if they have pity with the mother? How is their attitude towards the child?
They have no pity on the child. Therefore in family therapy, the therapist
first of all gives a place in his heart to the person who has suffered most.
And this is the child. He looks for a solution for the child, and he does not
take away any responsibility from those who were cruel on the child. Not that I
condemn these parents. We don't know the circumstances. But still, they were
the parents and they were responsible for the child. The truth was, that they
gave away the child forever"
If I were unfamiliar with constellation work, I would find the above quite
offensive, in fact, I still have a few problems with it as I feel it is not
fully explained and does the work we do no justice. For example, most, if not
all, of the women I have worked with that have given up a child for adoption
were mere teenagers when they did so and therefore I feel that they are
deserving of compassion as for the most part, it would seem that their parents
had more to do with the decision making process than anything else. In such
cases, I would say that the grandparents of the child are the ones that gave up
their grandchild forever. Any thoughts?
Altough I agree that the child is the one that has suffered the most, does
not the mother suffer much under theses circumstances, in my view, very much
so. How can a child of 16 challnge its parents and keep a child against their
will?
I am certain that Hellinger does not mean to say "In family constellations it
is very important that the therapist has no compassion with those who were
guilty" is applied tosuch teenage girls who give up their children under
duress.
I find these statements rather strong.....
regards,
John
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