Steve, Robert, Dimitrina, and All
Thanks for bringing up and shedding light on this question of how much venting
of emotions in constellations or other therapeutic situations is or is not a
good thing. As many point out, this group is a wonderful vehicle for open
discussions. :-)
Here's a perspective that comes from trauma theory, and has a lot to do with
the ways I handle this issue in constellations, with clients in other kinds of
healing work, and with myself in my own healing. I pay attention to the
quality and quantity of the release of emotions, the tendencies of the
particular person in regard to releasing, and the impact on the surrounding
group if any. I look for an amount of release that is appropriate based on all
three of these considerations.
What guides the choice of whether to allow or even encourage emotional release,
or to do things to curtail it is based on the notion of "kindling," as
described in Robert Scaer's book THE TRAUMA SPECTRUM. Kindling is the tendency
emotional expressions have to become self-feeding, to perturb memory and
immediate perceptions in the direction of the particular emotion involved, and
thus escalate.
So, for example, someone is weeping, having felt into long suppressed feelings
at being abused early in life by her father. Well, this can engage other
memories of abuse later in life and add those to the emotional fuel. It can
bring to mind something that happened with a male cab driver that morning that
was disrespectful--and add that. It can cause a perception of the male
facilitator working with the person that involves transference. This is
kindling. It can end up in a diffuse, global, "poor me" kind of outburst that
I think at times comes close to a re-traumatization. Too many examples have
come up all at once, and now the sympathetic (anger) and/or parasympathetic
(sadness, overwhelm) nervous systems are getting derailed
As this happens, my belief is that the healthy, healing "release" in this
venting of emotion is lost. When it does not happen, my tendency is to want to
allow the supressed feelings some latitude--because damping them down right
away just reinforces the suppression that has caused various problems all
along. That suppression is exactly the kind of "exclusion" that we want to
allieviate in constellations.
So that means I practice a number of judgement calls around venting of
emotions. Some people kindle strongly almost at once. I start restraining
them very quickly. "Eyes open please.... breathe... look at me..." and
such. Others who are clearly very reluctant to feel and express, if they cry a
bit--I'm happy. On the other hand, if someone is having what I feel is a
healing release--but perhaps one more appropriate for a private session because
of it's negative impact on others in the constellation group, or else negative
impact on the timing of the workshop--I may well attempt to restrain it
somewhat.
I bring up the others in the group, because human limbic systems resonate
strongly, so that kindling can happen between members of the group, and not
just within the client or particular rep involved. So, is this level of
emotional expression good for the group? Or is it too much for some, because
it takes them beyond their safe boundaries?
These are of course intuitive judgement calls that not all of us would make in
the same manner. I don't know that I always make them as accurately in terms
of the results as I might. It's a constant learning experience.
What I think is transferable as a perspective here is the notion that emotional
expression is not something to be always either encouraged or discouraged, but
judged rather in the light of this idea of kindling, the more locked-down or
else over-dramatic nature of the client, and the impact on others in the
setting. In terms of the client, I think once a kind of global kindling
begins, the emotion is now self-sustaining, or even self-escalating, and is no
longer a healing release of what was excluded and not felt before. It's a case
of what trauma theory calls "flooding."
Hope this makes some sense.
Michael
On Feb 28, 2013, at 10:47 PM, Steve Vinay Gunther wrote:
I just finished doing some constellation work in Mexico. Particularly notable
were three constellations (all on the last day!) related to family members
who were murdered .
The most intense was a woman whose daughter had been murdered 3 years before
- the issue she brought was her hatred of the murderers. I was cognisant of
discussions on this list, about caution in such cases. So I proceeded very
slowly, and didn't attempt too much. I placed reps for the two murderers in
front of her, and the whole rest of the group stood behind her supporting
her.
She had so much emotion, so most of the time I just spent helping her stay
present, breathe, feel the support of the group, and allow her feelings to be
in her body. It was very intense for everyone of course. We brought in a rep
for her daughter towards the end, as she had some important things to say to
her. I wanted to do more, but that was really as much as everyone, including
her, could take in.
I had a discussion afterwards with my host, who comes from a more cathartic
therapy orientation. He felt it would have been good for her to express more
of her hatred directly, and that in Mexican society, women are often trained
not to speak up. I guess I weigh in with the tendency I have observed in the
constellation ethos of a more subtle approach, involving presence,
acknowledgement and being with the 'what is'. But I can also see the validity
perhaps of a more dramatic expression at times, and perhaps it would have
been good in this case, as she wanted to move to forgiveness (prompted by the
rep for the daughter) - perhaps too quickly. Interested in what others think.
It struck me that families of victims tend to get little to no support for
really processing the trauma of such occurrences; and without the such
support and guidance its very hard to truly find a way to move through such
experiences.
--
I also did an organisational process for a local community school. They split
from another local community school, because they didn't like the autocratic
ways of the director. So this school was much more democratically organised.
Some of them were complaining of wanting more structure. At one point, we put
out all the main elements operating in the school field. At my suggestion,
they also included a rep for a 'director' position. Of course, that was
placed right at the edge of the room. We did various reorganisations of the
constellation, but the director rep had a headache. Until I found the best
place, which was centre front of the whole constellation! Ah, you just can't
get rid of important elements of the system, no matter how bad the experience
previously was∑
--
I find myself more and more careful about whether or not a piece is really
suitable for constellation work, and whether the person is truly in the right
frame of mind. I am more willing to have a personal conversation, or do a
piece of personal therapy, if I feel that its not really something thats
right for a constellation. And I am more willing to stop constellations when
I can see that there just isn't movement in the system∑and do something
different. For instance, one constellation was a classic 'double bind' for
the son. It was clear that no matter where he stood in relation to the
parents, he was going to be made wrong. I couldn't see resources in the
constellation, and rather than try to proceed, I stopped the constellation,
and told him an Ericksonian-type of story instead. He was disappointed, but I
think I did him a better service.
Another woman wanted to do a constellation about very difficult conflict with
her 10 year old daughter. But as I enquired I found her husband suicided and
she had not told the children how he died. I thought a conversation with her
about the matter was much more important than a constellation.
I think what I am saying is that I see that just because we have this
fantastic tool of the constellation process, its not always what the client
needs. And although sometimes its good to simply stop, I think that having
other therapeutic tools means we can perhaps offer the client another
approach.
Vinay
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