"On the other hand, if someone is having what I feel is a healing release
"
Dear Michael and Friends,
Therein lies the difficulty and possibly the call to awareness. "What I
feel" is the hint. Fairly or otherwise what I feel will determine if I
allow or disallow others from doing or not doing. I will make a judgement
call for them according to my predilections. And since the facilitator is
not outside the field it would be a mistake to say that judgment call was
an interference with the flow in the field.
Naturally I am attracted to theories and explanations that will confirm my
personal preferences and predilections. The point of course is not to
abandon our predilections as the basis for our actions (how could we?) but
to be aware of them, maybe even deeply aware.
Behind our theories and beliefs may lurk our actual experience. I suspect
we are way more selfish than we give ourselves credit for.
Best wishes,
Robert
On Fri, Mar 1, 2013 at 7:56 PM, Michael Reddy <michael@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>wrote:
**
Steve, Robert, Dimitrina, and All
Thanks for bringing up and shedding light on this question of how much
venting of emotions in constellations or other therapeutic situations is or
is not a good thing. As many point out, this group is a wonderful vehicle
for open discussions. :-)
Here's a perspective that comes from trauma theory, and has a lot to do
with the ways I handle this issue in constellations, with clients in other
kinds of healing work, and with myself in my own healing. I pay attention
to the quality and quantity of the release of emotions, the tendencies of
the particular person in regard to releasing, and the impact on the
surrounding group if any. I look for an amount of release that is
appropriate based on all three of these considerations.
What guides the choice of whether to allow or even encourage emotional
release, or to do things to curtail it is based on the notion of
"kindling," as described in Robert Scaer's book THE TRAUMA SPECTRUM.
Kindling is the tendency emotional expressions have to become self-feeding,
to perturb memory and immediate perceptions in the direction of the
particular emotion involved, and thus escalate.
So, for example, someone is weeping, having felt into long suppressed
feelings at being abused early in life by her father. Well, this can engage
other memories of abuse later in life and add those to the emotional fuel.
It can bring to mind something that happened with a male cab driver that
morning that was disrespectful--and add that. It can cause a perception of
the male facilitator working with the person that involves transference.
This is kindling. It can end up in a diffuse, global, "poor me" kind of
outburst that I think at times comes close to a re-traumatization. Too many
examples have come up all at once, and now the sympathetic (anger) and/or
parasympathetic (sadness, overwhelm) nervous systems are getting derailed
As this happens, my belief is that the healthy, healing "release" in this
venting of emotion is lost. When it does not happen, my tendency is to want
to allow the supressed feelings some latitude--because damping them down
right away just reinforces the suppression that has caused various problems
all along. That suppression is exactly the kind of "exclusion" that we want
to allieviate in constellations.
So that means I practice a number of judgement calls around venting of
emotions. Some people kindle strongly almost at once. I start restraining
them very quickly. "Eyes open please.... breathe... look at me..." and
such. Others who are clearly very reluctant to feel and express, if they
cry a bit--I'm happy. On the other hand, if someone is having what I feel
is a healing release--but perhaps one more appropriate for a private
session because of it's negative impact on others in the constellation
group, or else negative impact on the timing of the workshop--I may well
attempt to restrain it somewhat.
I bring up the others in the group, because human limbic systems resonate
strongly, so that kindling can happen between members of the group, and not
just within the client or particular rep involved. So, is this level of
emotional expression good for the group? Or is it too much for some,
because it takes them beyond their safe boundaries?
These are of course intuitive judgement calls that not all of us would
make in the same manner. I don't know that I always make them as accurately
in terms of the results as I might. It's a constant learning experience.
What I think is transferable as a perspective here is the notion that
emotional expression is not something to be always either encouraged or
discouraged, but judged rather in the light of this idea of kindling, the
more locked-down or else over-dramatic nature of the client, and the impact
on others in the setting. In terms of the client, I think once a kind of
global kindling begins, the emotion is now self-sustaining, or even
self-escalating, and is no longer a healing release of what was excluded
and not felt before. It's a case of what trauma theory calls "flooding."
Hope this makes some sense.
Michael
