Now I send what I had written this morning, about one way of turning the
head down, related to healthy shame. even if it is a deep shame of having
felt hatred for someone who killed people close to us or even us.
I wanted to add something about bowing.
When we lower our head with love ( or even despair), we are also turning to
our heart.
We acknowledge the limitations of what our intellect provides us with, in
terms of survival strategies, in collaboration with deeply rooted instinct
patterns.
The heart knows ways beyond survival instinct. The heart holds the taming
power.
The religions and philosophies of old, Tao, Buddhism. Hinduism know that the
heart has its own mind and is the queen of mind.
The ancient Chinese knew that Mind is every bit as much in the heart, the
word is one, heart-mind. Even the brutal Romans had a word which translates
heart and mind and any mood as one.
A major Tao exercise is collecting a smile in your mind, as if you look at
someone or something you really love, and you take this smile to your heart,
greet your heart with it, and just stay there, creating a peaceful mind, in
union with the heart, which also helps a distressed heart to settle down..
The Hindu greeting as well as the Buddhist greeting starts with the hands
put together over the heart. The Hindi Antar jyoti namo means bowing to
the light within, and when given as a greeting it means: The inner light in
me bows to the inner light in you. My dignity meets your dignity. I
acknowledge our same-ness before fate, before God.
I feel , a survival vs enlightened love dichotomy does not serve us well
in understanding and compassion, it makes one low and bad and the other
lofty and good.
I think it is better understood in a context of evolutionary history
beginning with animal life, and all the struggle for survival that went on,
and is still going on, as we transfer survival fears to psychological
levels. Dr Hamers brilliant intuition gives so much food for further
exploration here.
There seems to be a confusion about Orders of love, and the consciences
that we humans walk through. There is the big difference between blind and
seeing love. Bert has written about it in detail in the hand our for Reit im
Winkl at the end of 2006. Bert the concept of conscience to analyse the
primordial mechanisms of belonging, of cohesion for the group, group
survival, indeed of utter importance to survival, and gone utterly astray
over the course of history, with.
To a large extent, this is the very purpose of the core of family
constellations, to bring blind patterns to light, so that they can be
replaced with an updated, open version of love and respect. So Bert
certainly does not confuse unconscious and subconscious rules of conscience
with what love calls to us to and to become now.
The word ego is used as an insult, against others, and often even against
ourselves.
A child has no ego, the childs love is unconditional in its need to
belong.
Practically all of us still have some dark corners of survival mode when
buttons are pressed, and then other might call us mad or bad. It simply
means some deep trauma is not healed yet. If we cant come out of it and
appear confident in pretence self righteousness, its called Ego. Even here
we could look through it with the loving eyes of a Marshall Rosenberg and
ask others or ourselves in such a moment: What need of yours is not met? Do
you need to feel safe, to belong,
? What would help you right now?
(I am presently engaged in this inner inquiry, concerning the money people
of the world, not as a dialogue, just trying to sense why they feel so poor
that even all the extra zeros dont make them rich)
To me, praising ourselves for our occasional bursts of enlightened love is
dicey, the two dont go together anyway, and especially when our challenges
are small. Enjoying them is more to the point. Not many in our privileged
countries and privileged subgroups have to put this to the test in the face
in a life or death situation now. Only those who have ancestors with the
real history of terror can authentically state a transformation, with
authentic worth and as a model that it can be done. If we are in such a
situation, and we manage to uphold love, even great Love, great, what a gift
on the road forward. If we experience it in meditation and spontaneously,
great, but could we do it in the middle of Afghanistan?
To me, the fact that we have a great longing for this great love is a gift
already, the gift of all those who came before us, including ourselves in
earlier times. Suffering upon suffering has landed us somewhere where we
know this is what we need to strive and ask for now.
God help us on our Journey.
As far as I am concerned this is what Bert is all about in everything he
does and is.
Good journey and sturdy love to us all, and smart and loving survival
skills, too.
Angelika
On Sun, Apr 18, 2010 at 10:46 AM, Chris Walsh
<chrisjwalsh@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>wrote:
Hi all,
This is a fascinating thread.
Thomas made the very interesting point that bowing is a movement back into
ourselves that precedes a genuine encounter with the other.
This points to the connections between humility bowing and shame. Shame has
received a terribly bad rap from therapists over the last 20 years and yet
shame has evolutionary survival value. Charles Darwin described it in
humans
and other animals in his book 'The expression of emotion in man and
animals"
published in 1872 along with "Origin of the species". We all intuitively
know this. We know that someone who is "shameless" is dangerous both to
themselves and others.
Interestingly the main precipitant for shame is an interruption or
rejection of interest or disapproval from another. The psychosomatic
expression of shame involves loss of tone especially in the neck causing
the head to bow and the whole body to slump. There is a very powerful
impulse to avoid eye contact which aids the withdrawal into ourselves as
Thomas described above with the bow. Our mind also becomes foggy and if we
try to be physically active we become awkward. (like Jerry Lewis)
We can go into toxic shame if we criticise ourselves for our clumsiness and
inability to think clearly whilst in this state. This state can last for
weeks and is horrible. People can then get a depression where they sleep a
lot. That is where shame gets its bad name. To avoid this we develop
dysfunctional ways of dealing with shame. We can attempt to energise
ourselves by generating aggression and attacking the other person or even
by attacking ourselves or we can just try to avoid the feeling by going
into
a narcissistic defence (shamelessness). This can involve the use of alcohol
or other drugs. Finally we can just get stuck in withdrawal as if we are
hiding in a cave.
If however we have a healthy relationship with shame then the shame puts
the
brakes on our enthusiasm. Instead of fighting it or criticising ourselves
we
recognise that the shame is a natural mechanism to slow us down when our
enthusiasm is not working. In the withdrawal phase we stop what we have
been
doing and move back into ourselves - This is actually bowing to fate. Then
we wait for the right impulse at the right moment. That allows us to
reconnect with ourselves and if possible it allows us to reconnect with the
other. This is coming up out of the bow. This healthy relationship with
shame gives us good timing, flexibility in our responses and a natural,
dignified and non sycophantic humility, a humility that allows us to let go
of our ego attachments while still having a place for healthy pride.
So instead of the sad attempts to fake humility that we often see in
spiritual communities we now have the possibility of authentic humility.
AND
bowing as we do it in constellation work is a key to understanding all
this!
hasta la vista
Chris Walsh
806 Lygon St Carlton 3054
(Melbourne, Australia)
ph: +61 (0)3 9347 4300
fax: +61 (0)3 9347 4355
web: <http://www.cwalsh.com.au/> www.cwalsh.com.au
From: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx<ConstellationTalk%40yahoogroups.com>
[mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx<ConstellationTalk%40yahoogroups.com>]
On Behalf Of William Mannle
Sent: Saturday, 17 April 2010 6:25 AM
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx<ConstellationTalk%40yahoogroups.com>
Cc: <constellationtalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx<constellationtalk%40yahoogroups.com>
Subject: Re: [ConstellationTalk] Orders of Love revisited - bowing
Hi all,
All good stuff!
There is a article in the Fall 2008 edition on Tricycle Magazine
entitled "Long Journey To A Bow." The final paragraph sums it up best
for me:
"To bow is to no longer hold ourselves apart from the unpredictable
nature of all of our lives; it is to cultivate a heart that can
unconditionally welcome all things. We bow to what is, to all of life.
By liberating our minds from ideas of "better than," "worse than," or
"the same as," we liberate ourselves from all views of "self" and
"other." The bow is a way to the end of suffering, to an awkakened
heart."
Thomas, more on the child's sense of self, parents etc., later.
Best,
Bill Mannle
On Apr 15, 2010, at 6:54 PM, Deborah Ellis
<deborah-arin@xxxxxxxxxxx<deborah-arin%40hotmail.com>
<mailto:deborah-arin%40hotmail.com ;<deborah-arin%2540hotmail.com>> >
wrote:
<mailto:ConstellationTalk%40yahoogroups.com<ConstellationTalk%2540yahoogroups.com>>
Hi Thomas
After reading you explanation on the deeper purpose of bowing an
acknowledgment
and clarity lifted an experience that occurred in my constellation.
Thank you for the awakening
Deborah
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx<ConstellationTalk%40yahoogroups.com>
coachuno%40gmail.com <coachuno%2540gmail.com>>From: coachuno@xxxxxxxxx <coachuno%40gmail.com> <mailto:
<mailto:tb%40thomas-bryson.de ;<tb%2540thomas-bryson.de>> >Date: Thu, 15 Apr 2010 07:13:34 -0500
Subject: Re: [ConstellationTalk] Orders of Love revisited - bowing
Thomas,
Thank you!!
This is a very thoughtful and thought provoking piece and one I
shall need
to re-read several times and contemplate and digest its content.
Fondly,
Stephen
On Thu, Apr 15, 2010 at 01:47, Thomas Bryson
<tb@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx<tb%40thomas-bryson.de>
tb%40thomas-bryson.de <tb%2540thomas-bryson.de>>wrote:
The deeper purpose of bowing has nothing to do with recognition,
acceptance or acknowledgment of the other. It is an inner process
for
the one who is bowing. It is a movement back into ourselves that
precedes a genuine encounter with the other. When we take a breath,
exhale and bow, we take a moment for ourselves alone, to move into
our
own field.
The so called 'orders of love' are an expression of the collective
field
of the pack within which humans live. We are constantly in the
fields of
others and through generations of conditioning for survival, have
learned to identify with these fields. We unconsciously define who
we
are by our relationships. That blind identification with the
'orders of
love' is the ego. This is the 'me' which we think we are. That
conditioned 'me' is the trance that we are in and from which we may
through grace awaken.
When we bow, we move out of the other person's trance and into our
own
field. It is a movement out of the conditioned 'orders of love'
and into
simple presence. To learn that we are that unconditioned presence
is the
essence of the spiritual search. Our own field is the space we
find in
meditation or in solitude. For instance, when Jesus spent 40 days
alone
in the desert, he found his own field - and learned that his field
and
the field of God were the same! That presence is love. It isn't
personal
and it isn't conditioned. It is the same for everyone, even though
each
person's expression of it is completely unique.
That presence is what the child is looking for from the parents.
When
that is not reflected back to the child, the child's deepest sense
of
Self stays unknown and the search may become rooted. When the
field of
the parents is too violent or when what is coming through the
parents is
overwhelming, the child turns away. In effect, the child bows to
find
his or her own field. It is the right thing for the child to do.
If the
child doesn't find presence, he or she may spend his or her whole
life
searching; becoming competent, polite, intelligent and skilled.
These
are the clients we see who have spent a lifetime in therapy, yoga,
spiritual retreats, esoteric understandings of the universe or
constellation workshops etc. But, there is still the longing for
connection with the deepest self - the deepest self that can be
found in
one simple bow.
When we bow, we separate from the field of the other to go into
our own
space. Our own space, without the conditioning of the 'orders of
love,'
is simple presence, love, consciousness itself. From this place
that we
all know, we can have a real encounter with the other from the
place of
presence. Then we can see, acknowledge and accept the other. The
self
sees the self in the context of presence, as presence.
All love,
Thomas Bryson
Facilitation, training and counseling by Skype
tb@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx <tb%40thomas-bryson.de> <mailto:
<tb%40thomas-bryson.de>
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