Re: [ConstellationTalk] Personality disorderhi allison,
borderlines triangluate. your story is a perfect example of it. My mother is a
borderline and it is always painful in this way.... jesse greene from perth
www.recoverywest.com
----- Original Message -----
From: CMC
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sent: Wednesday, November 02, 2005 1:54 AM
Subject: Re: [ConstellationTalk] Personality disorder
Dear Alison,
Thank you very much for your reply. Your story really sounds very similar to
mine. Thank you for the website, it was very helpful to me.
My Mom is the one with the personality disorder. It has been very hard for
me my whole life. I didn't even realize how bad things were because she is all
about apperances and made everything look wonderful on the outside but I always
felt a huge void. It looked as though we had a close happy family.....but
there was nothing behind the image. When I became very ill with a severe
illness four years ago, that is when everything became more clear to me. She
would come to my house and stare at me blankly (I was paralyzed) and she would
tell me when no one else was around how destitute I was. She then told
everyone she was coming to my home to help me everyday and I physically kicked
her out of the house and told her to never come back. None of this is true.
She has a real story now, four years later that she tells everyone so no one
comes to see me or help, and my brother and sister both have called and yelled
at me on the phone that I treat her bad. It is very odd.
I did a family constellation which included my Mom and Dad and my illness and
myself. In the constellation my mom loved my illness and would tell it how
precious it was and how much she adored it. My symptoms were furthest from me
when my mom was furthest from me. I do keep distance from my Mom now, I can
not handle her stories, abuse, toxicity. Now I know that it is an illness with
her as well it is easier for me to handle.
Well, I am going on here. I really appreciate you sharing your story and how
bravely you have dealt with the issue. For me it is so tragic because at the
time when I really need my family for support and care my Mom is keeping them
far from me. I hope one day they will understand what she is dealing with so
they can be clear of it as well.
Thanks again Alison,
best wishes,
Christine
----- Original Message -----
From: Alison Rose Levy
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sent: Tuesday, November 01, 2005 4:22 AM
Subject: Re: [ConstellationTalk] Personality disorder
Hi!
Although I know we don't love using these diagnostic categories, I
personally regard them as useful mirrors, which can provide some context for
what one experiences with a person suffering in this way. Here's a link to a
basic description though perhaps you are already familiar with it:
http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/bpd.html
On a personal note, our Mom suffers with this and while several family
constellations have served to lighten the weight a bit each time, the basic
gestalt still remains. I'm not saying that a family constellation could not
perhaps totally relieve it and would love to ask other group members what your
experiences have been with this-- but that has not been our experience to date.
When my husband, brother, and I went to Zist in 2001, our Mom went to the
hospital emergency room (with an ailment that proved to be non-existent)-- a
common pattern. Although I would have doubtless been too shy otherwise, this
brought up the whole issue and I ended up bringing it to Bert Hellinger who
worked with it: his concluding image: in which my Mom carried her heavy fate
while my brother and I side by side looked on into the future has remained with
me ever since.
Still, since we have the responsibility to make her comfortable in her
elder years, strategies for day-to-day management and work with one's own
responses is key. The following have been various phases of my own path in
self-care:
a.. giving up the idea that you can save or heal the person
b.. validating your own experience that interactions are sad,
uncomfortable, not easy, or whatever you happen to feel; sharing your responses
with someone else who is sympathetic
c.. learning how to offer your presence to the person without robbing
yourself of what you need for life
d.. setting boundaries, whether that means limiting conversations,
visits, or multi-tasking during phone conversations, or stating that you don't
want to discuss certain topics etc.
e.. undertaking a spiritual practice, such as practicing seeing the
person while "turning down the static" of their uncomfortable attitudes or
behavior
f.. bowing to the person's fate in carrying this
Ultimately, trying to encourage my Mom to act according to my conception of
the orders of love is not my responsibility; in nearly every interaction she
reverses them by playing helpless and asking her children to rescue her. Since
she is our mother and bigger than us, we cannot stop her from doing this and
make her act in the way we would like. But that does not mean that we have to
take the bait and jump into action at every drama. Despite the complaints, my
mother feels very innocent playing the role of victim and enjoys it. I would be
"too big" if I intervened. I therefore "agree" with her helplessness and with
my own to change things for her.
Finally, since for me, it's my Mom through whom I receive connection to
life and to my female ancestry, I take every opportunity to connect with that
ancestry, and to the earth, to women friends, to people and animals I can love
and nurture, to our home, and to things of beauty-- in the confidence that I am
honoring her by so doing. I treasure gifts from her, and I know that she loves
me.
About six months ago, I was speaking with a healer-friend who had a very
difficult childhood and who knows me well. She told me that she would not trade
with me the many traumas she'd experienced in exchange for the ongoing lifelong
experience of interacting with my mother and her condition. I agreed with her
and felt validated, because this has not been easy.
However, recently this same friend experienced a life tragedy, and she said
to me, "At least you have your family, even your mother; although she's crazy,
she exists. There's someone."
And I had to agree with her again in this seemingly opposite assessment.
Despite all the "noise" of what she is carrying, my Mom is and has been an
indelible presence. The same is true of my Dad, who according to these
diagnostic categories had a narcissistic personality disorder in spades; that
they deviated far from the ideal of healthy parenting is an understatement. I
mean my brother and I gravitated to this work as people in need of healing
ourselves.
Yet our parents were always very much there- and I can feel the force of
their presence even with all the distortion of their suffering. That's the
paradox.
I don't know if your borderline family member is a parent, or another
family member. But I offer this to you out of the hope that my serving as a
lifelong student of this situation can at least help one another person.
Ultimately, I have to bow to my own fate in experiencing this.
Alison
Alison Rose Levy
www.family-healing.com
On 11/1/05 4:43 AM, CMC at ccrossley@xxxxxxxxxxxx wrote:
how do you deal with family memebers that Have a severe borderline
personality disorder???
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