Messagethank you so much
----- Original Message -----
From: Chris Walsh
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sent: Wednesday, November 02, 2005 5:29 AM
Subject: RE: [ConstellationTalk] Personality disorder
Dear Alison,
thanks for your generosity in sharing something so
personal. You obviously have done heaps of work to reach you current state of
peace and acceptance which also allows you to effectively protect yourself. It
is such a difficult quandary when one of our parents is still actively harmful
and we still need to be able to receive life fully from them. It seems you have
found a resolution. That is a wonderful achievement. Thanks again as your story
really validates and clarifies some of the ritual moves we do in
constellations.
Hasta la vista
Chris Walsh
Melbourne, Australia
Website www.constellationflow.com
-----Original Message-----
From: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx] On Behalf Of Alison Rose Levy
Sent: Tuesday, November 01, 2005 11:22 PM
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: Re: [ConstellationTalk] Personality disorder
Hi!
Although I know we don't love using these diagnostic categories, I
personally regard them as useful mirrors, which can provide some context for
what one experiences with a person suffering in this way. Here's a link to a
basic description though perhaps you are already familiar with it:
http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/bpd.html
On a personal note, our Mom suffers with this and while several family
constellations have served to lighten the weight a bit each time, the basic
gestalt still remains. I'm not saying that a family constellation could not
perhaps totally relieve it and would love to ask other group members what your
experiences have been with this-- but that has not been our experience to date.
When my husband, brother, and I went to Zist in 2001, our Mom went to the
hospital emergency room (with an ailment that proved to be non-existent)-- a
common pattern. Although I would have doubtless been too shy otherwise, this
brought up the whole issue and I ended up bringing it to Bert Hellinger who
worked with it: his concluding image: in which my Mom carried her heavy fate
while my brother and I side by side looked on into the future has remained with
me ever since.
Still, since we have the responsibility to make her comfortable in her
elder years, strategies for day-to-day management and work with one's own
responses is key. The following have been various phases of my own path in
self-care:
a.. giving up the idea that you can save or heal the person
b.. validating your own experience that interactions are sad,
uncomfortable, not easy, or whatever you happen to feel; sharing your responses
with someone else who is sympathetic
c.. learning how to offer your presence to the person without robbing
yourself of what you need for life
d.. setting boundaries, whether that means limiting conversations,
visits, or multi-tasking during phone conversations, or stating that you don't
want to discuss certain topics etc.
e.. undertaking a spiritual practice, such as practicing seeing the
person while "turning down the static" of their uncomfortable attitudes or
behavior
f.. bowing to the person's fate in carrying this
Ultimately, trying to encourage my Mom to act according to my conception of
the orders of love is not my responsibility; in nearly every interaction she
reverses them by playing helpless and asking her children to rescue her. Since
she is our mother and bigger than us, we cannot stop her from doing this and
make her act in the way we would like. But that does not mean that we have to
take the bait and jump into action at every drama. Despite the complaints, my
mother feels very innocent playing the role of victim and enjoys it. I would be
"too big" if I intervened. I therefore "agree" with her helplessness and with
my own to change things for her.
Finally, since for me, it's my Mom through whom I receive connection to
life and to my female ancestry, I take every opportunity to connect with that
ancestry, and to the earth, to women friends, to people and animals I can love
and nurture, to our home, and to things of beauty-- in the confidence that I am
honoring her by so doing. I treasure gifts from her, and I know that she loves
me.
About six months ago, I was speaking with a healer-friend who had a very
difficult childhood and who knows me well. She told me that she would not trade
with me the many traumas she'd experienced in exchange for the ongoing lifelong
experience of interacting with my mother and her condition. I agreed with her
and felt validated, because this has not been easy.
However, recently this same friend experienced a life tragedy, and she said
to me, "At least you have your family, even your mother; although she's crazy,
she exists. There's someone."
And I had to agree with her again in this seemingly opposite assessment.
Despite all the "noise" of what she is carrying, my Mom is and has been an
indelible presence. The same is true of my Dad, who according to these
diagnostic categories had a narcissistic personality disorder in spades; that
they deviated far from the ideal of healthy parenting is an understatement. I
mean my brother and I gravitated to this work as people in need of healing
ourselves.
Yet our parents were always very much there- and I can feel the force of
their presence even with all the distortion of their suffering. That's the
paradox.
I don't know if your borderline family member is a parent, or another
family member. But I offer this to you out of the hope that my serving as a
lifelong student of this situation can at least help one another person.
Ultimately, I have to bow to my own fate in experiencing this.
Alison
Alison Rose Levy
www.family-healing.com
On 11/1/05 4:43 AM, CMC at ccrossley@xxxxxxxxxxxx wrote:
how do you deal with family memebers that Have a severe borderline
personality disorder???
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