Dear Christine:
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I recognize what you have
experienced.
If you don¹t mind, I¹ll make a few comments.
The theme of exclusion in your family seems very strong, and that could be
worth exploring on your journey towards healing yourself. Your system ³feels
innocent² when they exclude you. Your mother feels better when you carry the
exclusion that she could be at risk to carry. That¹s why maintaining a
front such as ³everything is wonderful² could perhaps be so important to
her. Otherwise, there could be a danger for her of not belonging, of her
being excluded. Your siblings are also entangled sadly. They may be fearful
of being excluded themselves.
It is very typical of borderlines to play divisive games of that type in
part to maintain control, and in part because this is their inner picture,
and they have a strong ability to enact it in a compelling and dramatic
fashion. The struggle within the borderline is often projected outward on to
some kind of enemy. If this occurs within the world, we have war. If it
occurs within a family, we have everyone ducking, divided, and running for
cover. I¹ve also seen it in organizational settings where the boss is a
borderline.
I am very fortunate that my brother and I are on the same journey;
otherwise, our playing out these kinds of tragic separations could possibly
have resulted from similar dynamics. That today my bro and I can instead
shake our heads and laugh together is due to this systemic work I am
certain.
I¹m so sorry that this is what is currently happening in your family but
who knows? as you continue in the work, something might change. I hope it
does because I know how painful that is.
I would further ask: who in your family was destitute? That would be well
worth exploring. That¹s the buried gold, the fearful secret that your mother
confides and tries to bury in your heart when you are most vulnerable.
If you feel like it, some energy clearing work for yourself on that negative
mantra, ³My Mom said I was destitute,² could be helpful as you begin your
exploration. Of course, if it is your Mom who in some way feels destitute,
you don¹t have to be loyal and carry that for her.
Finally, as your Mom¹s daughter, you may also perhaps have the double-sided
coin, the blessing/burden of her dramatic/artistic tendencies. Of course, I
am guessing, based on my own experience, but if that is so, you have a great
opportunity you can learn how to use those abilities to create beautiful
things, things that you want, things that benefit you and the world.
Borderlines can be almost like frustrated artists I¹ve often wondered what
it would have been like if my Mom could have harnessed her amazing
creativity and used it in a positive way. What an actress she could have
won an Oscar!
But as your Mom¹s daughter, you have gifts and you can do it, you can make
something good out of it to honor her. And as you use those gifts to create
your vision, you¹ll see how being her daughter was part of your fate, and
you could never have had it otherwise.
Wishing you well,
Alison
Www.Family-Healing.com
On 11/1/05 11:54 PM, CMC at ccrossley@xxxxxxxxxxxx wrote:
Dear Alison,
Thank you very much for your reply. Your story really sounds very similar to
mine. Thank you for the website, it was very helpful to me.
My Mom is the one with the personality disorder. It has been very hard for me
my whole life. I didn't even realize how bad things were because she is all
about apperances and made everything look wonderful on the outside but I
always felt a huge void. It looked as though we had a close happy
family.....but there was nothing behind the image. When I became very ill
with a severe illness four years ago, that is when everything became more
clear to me. She would come to my house and stare at me blankly (I was
paralyzed) and she would tell me when no one else was around how destitute I
was. She then told everyone she was coming to my home to help me everyday and
I physically kicked her out of the house and told her to never come back.
None of this is true. She has a real story now, four years later that she
tells everyone so no one comes to see me or help, and my brother and sister
both have called and yelled at me on the phone that I treat her bad. It is
very odd.
I did a family constellation which included my Mom and Dad and my illness and
myself. In the constellation my mom loved my illness and would tell it how
precious it was and how much she adored it. My symptoms were furthest from me
when my mom was furthest from me. I do keep distance from my Mom now, I can
not handle her stories, abuse, toxicity. Now I know that it is an illness
with her as well it is easier for me to handle.
Well, I am going on here. I really appreciate you sharing your story and how
bravely you have dealt with the issue. For me it is so tragic because at the
time when I really need my family for support and care my Mom is keeping them
far from me. I hope one day they will understand what she is dealing with so
they can be clear of it as well.
Thanks again Alison,
best wishes,
Christine
----- Original Message -----
From: Alison Rose Levy <mailto:LevyAR@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sent: Tuesday, November 01, 2005 4:22 AM
Subject: Re: [ConstellationTalk] Personality disorder
Hi!
Although I know we don't love using these diagnostic categories, I
personally regard them as useful mirrors, which can provide some context for
what one experiences with a person suffering in this way. Here's a link to a
basic description though perhaps you are already familiar with it:
http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/bpd.html
On a personal note, our Mom suffers with this and while several family
constellations have served to lighten the weight a bit each time, the basic
gestalt still remains. I'm not saying that a family constellation could not
perhaps totally relieve it and would love to ask other group members what
your experiences have been with this-- but that has not been our experience
to date.
When my husband, brother, and I went to Zist in 2001, our Mom went to the
hospital emergency room (with an ailment that proved to be non-existent)-- a
common pattern. Although I would have doubtless been too shy otherwise, this
brought up the whole issue and I ended up bringing it to Bert Hellinger who
worked with it: his concluding image: in which my Mom carried her heavy fate
while my brother and I side by side looked on into the future has remained
with me ever since.
Still, since we have the responsibility to make her comfortable in her elder
years, strategies for day-to-day management and work with one's own
responses is key. The following have been various phases of my own path in
self-care:
* giving up the idea that you can save or heal the person
* validating your own experience that interactions are sad, uncomfortable,
not easy, or whatever you happen to feel; sharing your responses with
someone else who is sympathetic
* learning how to offer your presence to the person without robbing yourself
of what you need for life
* setting boundaries, whether that means limiting conversations, visits, or
multi-tasking during phone conversations, or stating that you don't want to
discuss certain topics etc.
* undertaking a spiritual practice, such as practicing seeing the person
while "turning down the static" of their uncomfortable attitudes or behavior
* bowing to the person's fate in carrying this
Ultimately, trying to encourage my Mom to act according to my conception of
the orders of love is not my responsibility; in nearly every interaction she
reverses them by playing helpless and asking her children to rescue her.
Since she is our mother and bigger than us, we cannot stop her from doing
this and make her act in the way we would like. But that does not mean that
we have to take the bait and jump into action at every drama. Despite the
complaints, my mother feels very innocent playing the role of victim and
enjoys it. I would be "too big" if I intervened. I therefore "agree" with
her helplessness and with my own to change things for her.
Finally, since for me, it's my Mom through whom I receive connection to life
and to my female ancestry, I take every opportunity to connect with that
ancestry, and to the earth, to women friends, to people and animals I can
love and nurture, to our home, and to things of beauty-- in the confidence
that I am honoring her by so doing. I treasure gifts from her, and I know
that she loves me.
About six months ago, I was speaking with a healer-friend who had a very
difficult childhood and who knows me well. She told me that she would not
trade with me the many traumas she'd experienced in exchange for the ongoing
lifelong experience of interacting with my mother and her condition. I
agreed with her and felt validated, because this has not been easy.
However, recently this same friend experienced a life tragedy, and she said
to me, "At least you have your family, even your mother; although she's
crazy, she exists. There's someone."
And I had to agree with her again in this seemingly opposite assessment.
Despite all the "noise" of what she is carrying, my Mom is and has been an
indelible presence. The same is true of my Dad, who according to these
diagnostic categories had a narcissistic personality disorder in spades;
that they deviated far from the ideal of healthy parenting is an
understatement. I mean my brother and I gravitated to this work as people in
need of healing ourselves.
Yet our parents were always very much there- and I can feel the force of
their presence even with all the distortion of their suffering. That's the
paradox.
I don't know if your borderline family member is a parent, or another family
member. But I offer this to you out of the hope that my serving as a
lifelong student of this situation can at least help one another person.
Ultimately, I have to bow to my own fate in experiencing this.
Alison
Alison Rose Levy
www.family-healing.com
On 11/1/05 4:43 AM, CMC at ccrossley@xxxxxxxxxxxx wrote:
how do you deal with family memebers that Have a severe borderline
personality disorder???
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