I just finished this piece for my January Constellation Workshop theme which
is very topical & aprapo for this great thread.....
A Sincere Namaste to ALL as "WE" learn together. Hugs Gary Stuart LA, CA
Gary@Chifield & www.chifield.com
Transcending Forgiveness Through Acceptance
Today, many healers, seekers and therapists have jumped on a
dysfunctional bandwagon without realizing the systemic consequences at hand.
Bert Hellinger, renowned philosopher and developer of Constellation work and
Spirit-Mind movements, has reported for many, many years that there is a
hidden symmetry and order to love.
As a facilitator of this modality, I must concur that I find these bold
statements to be very true and will gladly help anyone explore and
understand the philosophy and reasoning behind them. As always, let your
heart decide what is right for you and your wellbeing.
Practicing the "Art of Forgiveness" can be very damaging to the so-called
"forgiver" on many levels. This act of superiority may not serve their best
interests no matter how well-intentioned. This superior attitude that seeks
to be bigger than a perpetrator or any painful situation actually diminishes
the effectiveness of release that only acceptance can consciously bring
about. The "forgiver' actually perpetuates the pain of victimization in an
unhealthful way -- upon themselves and, unconsciously, upon others as well.
If the desired goal is to release oneself from pain and suffering in
order to heal a deep wound and move beyond an endured atrocity, the very
idea of "forgiveness" becomes detrimental to both the Forgiver and the
Forgiven. Systemically speaking, we would call this being "too big,"
arrogant or presumptuous, as it robs the perpetrator of responsibility,
whether it was our parents or any other person who has done us perceived
"harm." It also disrespects the bigger fate and destiny of our whole
ancestral line. In doing so, the "forgiver" attempts to elevate him or
herself to the "top" of the whole hierarchical system, as if he or she was
the creator of life itself -- showing pity on these poor little subjects
under his or her command. In reality, the most recent addition to any larger
family system has no right to judge those who came before, as they are the
newer members in the larger hierarchical framework known as a family. Sure
we all have our opinions and feelings, and these are in no way meant to be
negated, but if anyone truly wants to break the cycle of Perpetrator/Victim,
"forgiveness" is NOT the way to do it. It is then the Victim who carries
both energies, thereby hurting themselves with a heavier load of toxic
baggage that enslaves them to the past.
ReSOULution
There is a way out, however, that is more simple, profound and completely
healing, leading to a restoration of love, order and harmony for all
concerned. This liberating state of "non-forgiveness" is simply called
"ACCEPTANCE." Can we be small enough and humble enough to acknowledge our
place in the larger context of a multidimensional generation of forebears
from whence we inherited our DNA? We received the Gift of Life through them
despite their suffering and turmoil. This dualistic condition in which we
are living provides wonder and horror equally. The key is to honor and
accept life itself AS IT IS. This action of accepting imperfection (even the
living dynamics of catastrophic change) will lead us back to our inner and
outer harmony, providing us with dignity and strength. These qualities will
only help us accept the gifts and challenges equally that life continually
seems to toss in our path. It is the ACCEPTANCE of everything "as it is,"
from our families to our human history, that releases us all from the chains
of the past and points us toward a better tomorrow.
Just as the arrogance of "forgiveness" weakens us, the humility of
"acceptance" empowers us. It is ours to decide which feels best and does the
most good. Always remember, we did not create the cycle of life. We are
merely participants, and our day in the Sun lasts for a very short time.
This is our chance to enjoy, transform and better ourselves and our
children, just as those who came before did for us, whether we know it or
not. Taking our rightful place as the smallest member of the family system
allows us to evolve into something great. Honor and gratitude, along with
ACCEPTANCE, breaks the cycle of slavery to which Forgiveness binds us. Our
ACCEPTANCE of life AS IT IS, along with accepting our parents AS THEY ARE
and our larger family system AS IT WAS, relieves us of our self-appointed
role as judge and jury. To remain neutral without judgments also leads us to
accept the good things we inherited more deeply. By letting those who
wronged or hurt us own their own Perpetrator/Victim energy, we release
ourselves from the entanglement and let the fate and responsibility rest
where it belongs -- with them.
This isn't about blame or shaming others for the choices they made. It is
about honoring our own part in it and the acknowledgement that with
acceptance comes release. Life seems to be inherently good, as everyone who
shares life has always tried to follow his or her good conscience to the
best of their ability. Often such incidents occurred in a place and time
pre-dating your own creation and admission into the family system -- and
which, on the deepest of levels, was probably agreed to all along. Accepting
these simple truths will free you and strengthen your resolve without any
need to "FORGIVE." Bow Down in thankfulness & gratitude as you ACCEPT your
life as a Gift that was Given.
"BOW DOWN"
Bow Down to all those who came before, as they remain alive at your
innermost core, seeing the world through your eyes.
Bow Down to the suffering and strife that your ancestors endured, surviving
the conditions that led to your life.
Bow Down to all the pain that life may have caused, for you are the JOY of
their toil and labor that can't be ignored.
Bow Down yet again to your very own parents, even if their gifts to you were
never apparent.
Bow Down to the mysteries of life that fail to make sense; it's God's way of
showing there's always a chance.
Bow Down to it all, no matter what you think. If you do not stop to do this,
your life could be gone in a blink.
To Bow Down is a humble act of honoring those who came before. If you can't
Bow Down to your creator, then what in your life means more?
Bow Down.
From my Book on Bert Hellinger an American view of his work Many Hearts ,
ONE SOUL available @ AMAZON.com globally
From: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx] On Behalf Of Dan Booth Cohen
Sent: Wednesday, December 09, 2009 7:40 AM
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: RE: [ConstellationTalk] Forgiveness
Hi Dipa -
Here is a link to a short article I wrote on the topic of Forgiveness:
http://www.hiddensolution.com/whatsnew.htm
I wrote a more detailed discussion, including case studies, in the chapter,
Guilt, Responsibility and Forgiveness: Lessons from Lifers in Prison in R.
Paloutzian and A. Kalayjian, Eds. Forgiveness and Reconciliation:
Psychological Pathways to Conflict Transformation and Peace Building. If
you go to the Amazon page and use the Look Inside feature, you can read most
of it online.
http://www.amazon.com/Forgiveness-Reconciliation-Psychological-Transformatio
n-Psychology/dp/1441901809/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8
<http://www.amazon.com/Forgiveness-Reconciliation-Psychological-Transformati
on-Psychology/dp/1441901809/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1260372402&sr=1-2
#reader_1441901809> &s=books&qid=1260372402&sr=1-2#reader_1441901809
If that doesn't work, write me at Dan@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
<mailto:Dan%40HiddenSolution.com> and I can send you
some text directly.
Finally, the topic is explored extensively in my book, I Carry Your Heart in
My Heart: Family Constellations in Prison. See www.HiddenSolution.com
<http://www.hiddensolution.com/> for more on that.
-----Original Message-----
From: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
<mailto:ConstellationTalk%40yahoogroups.com>
[mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
<mailto:ConstellationTalk%40yahoogroups.com> ] On Behalf Of eins
Sent: Tuesday, December 08, 2009 12:19 PM
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
<mailto:ConstellationTalk%40yahoogroups.com>
Subject: [ConstellationTalk] Forgiveness
Hi all,
Dipa from Singapore here. being a 'newbie' in this work, could any of you
speak about 'forgiveness' in constellation work?
i'm a little unclear in that area as I understand that when the victim
'forgives' the perpetrator, the victim is elevating him/herself above the
perpetrator. so that is not helpful. how does forgiveness work then to bring
about balance and order again in a system ? examples would be great.
thanks!
blessings,
Dipa
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