Dipa,
I would say you don't 'forgive' you "accept what is". Or, you change your
understanding of the word 'forgive' to mean you change what you feel about
the incident or the perpetrator by letting it go.
The perpetrator is a person with a background that formed him/her into the
person he/she became, which led to the incident. The victim can harbor
feelings which affect the victim, but not the perpetrator. The victim can be
obsessed with fear, revenge, etc. and it will not have any effect on the
perpetrator unless a face to face meeting occurs with a mediator so that
each can express their feelings. Many of these meetings have been very
successful for both parties. In Constellations, most of the time, in my
experience, the victim finds relief from facing the person representing the
perpetrator and saying whatever needs to be said.
In one of my own constellations, I faced a person who raped me when I was
very young, and at the end said to his representative, 'you were my first
sexual partner'. I just stated what was. I did not 'forgive' him. And I felt
better after a while. It was just an acknowledgement of what was.
I was in a constellation with war veterans. Some represented the enemy, and
I was one of them. Towards the end, I held out my hand to one of the
soldiers who did not want to join the others. After a while he reluctantly
took my hand. No words were spoken. There was no forgiveness, just an
unspoken recognition that we were together in the war. I, as the enemy who
had probably killed some of his friends, and he mine, looked kindly upon
him.
Diane
On Tue, Dec 8, 2009 at 10:18 AM, eins <fireflyverdigris@xxxxxxxxx> wrote:
Hi all,
Dipa from Singapore here. being a 'newbie' in this work, could any of you
speak about 'forgiveness' in constellation work?
i'm a little unclear in that area as I understand that when the victim
'forgives' the perpetrator, the victim is elevating him/herself above the
perpetrator. so that is not helpful. how does forgiveness work then to bring
about balance and order again in a system ? examples would be great.
thanks!
blessings,
Dipa
