Thankyou Dan and John and all the following contributions regarding adoption rights for siblings. Like you John, I have my own adoption story - as a mother who relinquished a son 34 years ago. Thankfully after a long search I made, we are now closely connected and have met each other many times over the last six years although my son lives in England and me here in Australia. I was also able to connect my son with his father and his three half siblings in the USA and that has been very healing for all of them. It seems that although the interactions with his half siblings are not personally close (all orthodox Jewish) my son feels he finally belongs to a family. I have no other children, so it did not become an issue. The other important piece to relate is that my son is a classical composer and very influenced by eastern European composers and speaks Polish and Hungarian reasonably well. On his Jewish father's side (Russian and German) music has always been very important and regularly played. His biological father's other three children have little interest in it, so that has become a strong connection between father and son thirty years later. My son feels very very supported musically by this belated reconnection. And with my own large family the healing is good too. So in all, what our experience has been is not outward but definitely soulful and accepting what is with quite a few uncomfortable stumbles on the way.
Granta Books recently published "Family Wanted - adoption stories" edited by Sara Holloway. This is a riveting
anthology of mainly autobiographical pieces of the adoption experience including the current practice of adopting babies from countries in the Third World. Most of the writers are published in their own right and have had adoption backgrounds: adopted out at birth, relinquishing mothers, adoptive parents. All very insightful and deeply moving and this has expanded my awareness of this very difficult area of dislocation. I felt a part of every story and recommend this book.
As far as my own experience and having met many relinquished children and relinquishing mothers in my practice, each one is different and there can be no rules. Family constellations seems to be very respectful to this multitude of differences. Thank you for all your insights as the subject can only continue to illuminate us all in this work.
Warmest wishes to all,
Bubula Lardi
Byron Bay, NSW, Australia
On 28/01/2006, at 11:52 AM, Dan Booth Cohen wrote:
A former client asked me a question which I am passing along to the group.
He is in his late 30s, living in a remote small city in the Great Plains area of the northwestern United States. His mother was married with 5 children when she became pregnant after a one-night stand with an interstate truck driver. She concealed the pregnancy and gave him up for adoption at birth. We did a Constellation about 2 years ago, which was very intense. He reports it had a strong and positive impact on him.
About 10 years ago he obtained the name of his mother through the adoption agency and telephoned her. They spoke for a while. The mother never saw his father again and knows nothing of his whereabouts. She was apologetic and asked him not to contact her again.
He asked me whether he should accept his mother’s request to have no further contact. I sat with the question overnight. My response was to ask him a series of questions: What will you do when you read her obituary in the local newspaper? Do you go to the funeral? After she dies, can you respectfully contact your siblings? If yes, must you wait until she dies before doing so?
I do not have good answers for these questions. One concern is that to the siblings, he is the excluded one. It would not surprise me if one of them is suffering on his behalf.
Can anyone share your reflections on the systemic relationship between these half-siblings? What is a good course of action in these situations?
I will share your responses with this man.
Thanks again for all…
Dan
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