Who is a perpetrator? Who is not a perpetrator? Who is to judge?
One caution is not to turn what we observe in the field of Constellations
into fixed rules. We are always working with a particular client and a
particular system looking for a healing movement. When I work, I am never
wiser than the field, so I keep a very light grip on my rules about what can
or cannot be done.
I'd be interested in a definition of "who is perpetrator?" that does not
include everyone or reciprocally, a definition of "who is innocent?" that
includes anyone. You can go to one extreme to say, "A rapist is a
perpetrator." Okay. But what about a young man who has consensual sex and
abandons his soon-to-be pregnant girlfriend? What about any man who has sex
with a woman to fulfill his own body's desire without concern for her
physical and emotional well-being? Where do you draw the line to define an
innocent sexual act? There are 6 billion living humans. How many would
there be if there were no sexual perpetrators? Not very many. The whopping
cranes would out-number us.
You can say, "A murderer is a perpetrator." Okay. Is every soldier a
perpetrator? Is every carnivore? Is everyone who wears sneakers and buys
gasoline a perpetrator? Who has greater guilt than a child whose mother
died giving birth? What about the babies who ruined their mother's careers
or forced them into forlorn marriages? Are they perpetrators? When you
consider that the perpetrators of the worst atrocities have the clearest
conscience it becomes difficult to sort out without standing in judgment.
What I see is that everyone is somebody's victim and somebody's perpetrator.
I bow to all of it. I honor all of it.
I've mentioned before a Constellation for an African-American mother whose
son has a life-threatening illness. The father and grandfather had died
young of drug overdoses. I setup a line of male ancestors and they all fell
to the ground, except for one. The son stood at one end of the line,
teetering, barely able to stand. At the other end, a representative stood
rock solid and strong. I asked him if he felt guilty. He replied he had
nothing to feel guilty about. He was the perpetrator of slavery, and also a
rapist, which is how he became a member of the male lineage. I didn't send
him out of the room. Maybe I could have. Instead, I had him look at his
descendents laying on the floor, his sons, grandchildren, and so on, who had
paid such a heavy price for their paternity. Then, he claimed his guilt.
When he did so, he was able to connect with this living man and the man was
able to stay standing. In this case we honored the perpetrator in the
family. The mother was grateful.
Dan
-----Original Message-----
From: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx] On Behalf Of Nicholas Vagiakakos
Sent: Sunday, September 25, 2005 8:37 PM
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: RE: [ConstellationTalk] Re: The place of perpretrators
I would like to contribute to this very interesting systemic subject, which
on its own reveals a hidden paradox (as Thomas wondered about it) : "how
perpetrators can be excluded by their own family system and on the same time
to be aknowledged and honoured by them"...
They cannot. Perpetrators are excluding THEMSELVES from their own family
system - by the making of their own act against the life of one or more
human beings - and they are NOT honoured by anyone!
Perpetrators are only aknowledged by their own family: in this way, they are
given permission by the other family members to leave the family system.
Then, no family place is left behind empty, becuse in systemic terms, no one
having actually acted (or even attempted to, as in the case of rape) to take
away the life of another person belongs to his own family system. This is
true, because the perpetrator acted against LIFE - so, reciprocaly, LIFE
(which has been given as a gift to the perpetrator himself, being born in
that family system) is withdrawing from the perpetrator's systemic identity
the right for him to belong to his own family.
That is why, a new system is opening up for the perpetrator: that of the
victim's... That is why the bonding between them two is so strong and so
obvious, as we experience it in the Constellations. Now, the victim (and his
family) should aknowledge ONLY the new place of loyalty within the
boundaries of their own family system: that which is determined by the
perpetrator-victim bonding and the belonging of the one to the other... In
other words, members of both family systems are BOWING only to their FATE...
never bowing to the perpetrator.
Thank you very much for the opportunity this wonderful group is giving me to
contribute, with the above sharing, to our mutual systemic-thinking
deepening.
With bery best regards,
Nicholas M Vagiakakos, Athens, Greece
<http://graphics.hotmail.com/i.p.ememail.gif> Nikos
_____
From: "tmasthenes13" <TomBuoyed@xxxxxxx>
Reply-To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: [ConstellationTalk] Re: bow to perpretrators
Date: Sun, 25 Sep 2005 21:14:03 -0000
Although it is rare but some facilitators would ask clientse.g. Murderers.
(decendents of Perpretrators or victims ) to bow to perpretrators
that no one within in a family can be excluded except perpetrators.
However, Bert Hellinger in the past used to let the perpretrators
just left the system physically. In some books, Bert mentioned
_____________________
Anyone can comment on this issue?
Simon HO
