Dear All,
Please be aware that I asked permission from Judy before taking the liberty to
post the following. I received her gracious permission and encouragement to do
so.
_______
Dear Judy, thank you. Thank you for offering your experience reflecting
expansiveness, clarity, maturity and responsibility. Thank you for teaching us
and modeling what we are called to do. This is what will end the cycle.
Dear Chris, thank you. I could not agree with your statements more.
And Janice, thank you for your beautiful poem. If you are willing I would love
to read it in its entirety.
As I read Judy’s post, my healing experience with my own grandmother came up in
my heart. (Judy and Al… you may remember my sharing some of this story at the
last US Conference.) I would like to share it here in the hopes that some
might find it helpful.
Like Judy’s grandson, I remember, at 6 years old, only feeling so very close
and loving toward my father as he sexually abused me. There was no violence. In
fact, we were either in a swimming pool or he had just finished reading me a
bed time story. From infancy to the age of 16, he took what he needed from me.
I gladly gave, cooing to myself, to my father, “Poor Daddy - Poor, Poor Daddy.”
I knew I was taking such good, loving care of my Poor Daddy.
In Judy’s vision she recognizes, “…the dad’s exquisite pleasure in his son –
his experience of him as one with himself. There was no malice in him, only
pleasure.”
The child’s needs and individuation are lost; the parent only sees the child as
an extension of himself. The parent experiences only pleasure, which at its
core, is a shameful pleasure - or he would not be taking this from a child. It
is an action with its roots in the needs of the father; not the child. Out of
his own deep woundedness and in service to those behind him, this is what he
brings his child into. Judy knows her grandson’s fear. In loving service or
not, this shame and fear is always a part of the child’s experience on some
level – it is in the family field - it is the cause of the abuse.
I knew that deep shame. At six years of age, actually much younger, we are
already steeped in the cultural shaming of sexuality. “Don’t touch down there…
don’t touch others down there…its nasty, sinful”… and on and on. We know to
“play doctor” with our friends in hidden places. And yet, here I am with my
Poor, Poor Daddy. Even worse, my healthy, innocent child’s body responds. I
must be causing it. Surely my good Daddy would not be to blame. In “regular”
life, he did not like me; he would not look at me. The shame was too great. I
was bad, very bad - ugly, dirty, disgusting. My father’s eyes told me so.
As an adult, my six year old resided in my heart, always reminding me, “Poor,
Poor Daddy.” My six year old self would never let him go. I could not fully
move into my own healing because it would require exposing my father. I could
never ever do that! He was the suffering one, not me. The flowing love we
witness in Constellations is the pure love on the part of the child and misuse
of that love on the part of the adult; even if the adult does not know it. That
misuse is, in fact, the core of the abuse. We, as facilitators, certainly do
not need to tell the client that his/her father suffers too. The client knows
that all too well. It perpetuates powerlessness to heal as the focus is again
put on the needs of the father. The facilitator says, “See your Poor Daddy,
Poor Daddy.” Ease and comfort are found in the family field as the
“perpetrator” becomes the one to attend… and all things stay the same. The
wounds of the inner child go underground again.
I began working as a direct service social worker with abused children in the
late ‘70’s –early ‘80’s. While my memories of sexual abuse were totally
repressed, I was aware of emotional abuse. My mantra was, “My parents had done
the best they could and it wasn’t that bad.” And I had the perfect job to
strengthen that belief system. By seeing the most horrific abuse of children, I
could minimize my own. It also validated my knowing that most of these parents
truly “could not help it.” On a deeper level, I needed to save these children
(myself) because no one else would.
But then, in 1985 and 1988 I gave birth to my children. As is not unusual among
survivors of childhood abuse, my memories of sexual abuse exploded as I looked
at the two beautiful, innocent and totally vulnerable beings in my care. My
heart was broken open; my healing process begun.
At that time, I was very involved in my Christian faith; my personal spiritual
experiences being a major part of my healing. Along with my therapist, my
Church minister (he called himself a closet mystic) was a significant part of
my healing. He was not limited to the shaming dogma of the fundamental
Christianity of my ancestors. Over the months, I would share my journey with
him, always repeating how wounded my father was, how he could not help it. It
was necessary that I be seen as loving and non-judgmental. My minister, Pastor
Bart, always listened to me with the most open heart. One day, he listened
carefully and then very gently said, “So what? I know about your father’s
suffering, but what of yours? You were abused… the deepest abuse, the abuse of
your total unconditional love. So what if he could not help it or was, himself,
deeply wounded? You have a right… even a responsibility, to see and heal your
own pain.” He was challenging me to move beyond focusing on my father’s pain.
He was not asking me to deny, hate or exclude Poor Daddy but to INCLUDE my own
pain as well.
With that radical opening in my soul, it was not long before my grandmother, my
father’s mother, entered my soul to aid me on my journey. Along with my
Christian faith, I was also studying earth based indigenous traditions and
healing methods. I had not yet heard of Constellations. I participated in a
workshop with Malidoma Somé and his then- wife Sobonfu. During the ritual, I
came to know the strong and incredibly loving presence of my father’s mother –
she stood behind my right shoulder.
Finally, I am a grown woman and my grandmother is no longer among the living on
this planet. Finally, she can come to me and do for me what Judy is doing for
her grandson in the NOW of his experience. My grandmother held us both, her son
and her granddaughter, in loving arms, grieving for the pain my father and I
suffer; grieving for her own pain and all those who came before. My father was
a victim himself. No one knew that better than my grandmother and me. And yet,
like my minister, my grandmother said, “So what?” I could no longer shut down
my pain or avoid my own healing with that platitude.
She took her son from my arms. Taking care of him was her job, not mine. She
knew that my serving him out of a child’s unconditional love did not mean
“consent.” “Consent” simply cannot exist between a parent and child. The total
love of the child, the “willingness to serve” is not consent. If there is not
consent, there can only be abuse. My grandmother knew that his taking in of
precious life force, the Tree of Life that Judy so beautifully identifies,
needs to be found in his parents, not his child. The Tree of Life that is found
through human sexuality needs to be found with a consenting adult without the
shame and filth that resided in the bed of incest. Through my grandmother’s
teaching, I had permission to know all that I needed to know.
I could finally release my father. I knew that finally, my Poor Daddy would be
safe. His mother would not hate him; or me. She understood… like me. She would
rock him and coo, “Ah, My Poor Child - My Poor, Poor Child.” She was safe to
see his wounds now… She could take care of him now. She could not before. To
have stopped the abuse, she would have needed to leave her husband. In poverty
stricken, rural USA during the Depression, there was no where to go. She was
locked in the powerlessness as a good Christian woman; always in service to her
Poor, Poor Husband. But now, her soul was freed from the needs of the living.
She could take her son.
And, finally, I could let him go out of my child’s arms…into his Mother’s arms.
I did not have to hold him and rock him in my child’s arms any longer. She was
his source, his mother… his Tree of Life.
My child’s arms needed to be free. My child’s arms needed to grow into the
arms of the Mother so I could hold my own children. The healing required that I
find my anger; another face of love. My grandmother blessed me as I reclaimed
my dissociated parts that had been safely held in the hands of grace until I
could endure the return of Truth. My own sexual desires, she blessed, allowing
me to clear and cleanse the lies about the ugliness, the filth, the whore-ness
of my existence.
My grandmother permitted and empowered my rage; encouraging me to know I had a
right to my own body, my own boundaries and the responsibility to teach my
children the same. She opened me to the rage I would need when facing those who
would tell me differently. She honored and respected my need to rage to
transform the mind blowing, soul splitting craziness of it all. She rejoiced in
my freedom to truly feel my rage. It is something she never had the freedom to
do. While I raged, she rejoiced and held her son in loving embrace.
In Robert’s post, he mentions the healing energy of Kali… she became my savior
and my guide. Kali is often known as “the Destroyer.” But her true
manifestation is that of the Wholeness of Woman. She is the Great Divine
Mother and Lover. She is the awful and fearsome Destroyer. She has full access
to all that she needs. The aspect of her that we encounter, Great Lover or
Horrific Destroyer, is the reflection of our own hearts. I moved far beyond the
5,000 year trance of Male God dominance to include the divine image of Goddess.
Kali joined my grandmother, my gentle Presbyterian minister and my soul
connected therapist to aid me in the deepest surgery required to heal the
slashing of my soul.
I had the right and responsibility to take the time and space I needed to heal
and did not need to pretend the soul slashing was not as bad at it really was.
No one tried to sooth my soul or settle my anger by asking me to “take my
father.” I had more than “taken my father,” …with my whole body and all of my
life. All I had ever known was that he suffered and needed to be cared for.
Now, I was accepting “all that is”… and “all that is” INCLUDED ME and all of my
pain ...finally.
Grief and rage, once claimed, is simply healing energy unleashed to do its
work. It is the energy that, once found and accepted, transforms into the
ability to sit with countless others as they unfold into the place where they
too can include themselves – enabling their arms to be freed to hold their own
children. It is the energy that becomes solid, steady and grounded as we
continue to move in a world that still refuses to include the child; to hold
the parent responsible. Seeing this truth and needing to speak out about it
does not reflect someone’s ongoing “entanglement” that needs to be fixed.
Rather it indicates the energy of letting our parents hold what is theirs while
we move on to do what is ours to do. As Deborah so beautifully states, we can
“hear her forgiveness [acceptance] and also hear and accept that she [is] still
angry.”
The energy and quality of sharing in this thread reveals the deep need for
ongoing dialogue around these issues. Beyond the public posts there are many
emails flowing in more private settings; one to another. Since my first post,
I myself have received 37 emails; 33 women, 4 men… from 5 different countries.
Clearly, there is work to do here. What needs to be known and seen about how we
attend these situations in Constellations Work? To Deborah and others thank
you for sharing. To those who need safety and privacy in their communications,
trust yourself.
With Judy’s wisdom, her grandchild will not have to endure the ongoing soul
splitting, craziness that occurs with the unrecognized abuse of his most divine
aspect, his unconditional love. May we empower ourselves to be that
Grandmother, that Grandfather; like Judy and Al. Again, thank you for teaching
us.
In Gratitude,
Carolyn
Carolyn Zahner, MSW, LISW, Inc
513-697-0260
Private Practice, Integrative Psychotherapy
www.carolynzahner.com
From: Judy Roberson
Sent: Tuesday, May 28, 2013 12:31 PM
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: [ConstellationTalk] Re: systemic understanding of child pornography
Dear Anni, Ursula,
Carolyn, Dan et al,
“I would invite everyone who reads this thread to
offer at least on thought.”
Thank you for all of
this. And thank you, Anni, for urging us
to share a word. Taking your words to heart has moved me to a deeper place with
my own swimming in this lake of love. My husband and I are
experiencing this issue in real time.
I
am a silent reader and, for the last 5 years, not even a reader, a silent
cataloger, saving all the digests, knowing I want to keep these treasures for a
time like this. When Al saw this thread, he encouraged me to start reading.
In 2008, I began 2 ½ years
at my dad’s side after he’d had a massive stroke. There I experienced his
psyche as I never
imagined in all my years of unconsciously, loyally imitating his dissociation
as his daughter. For me, being his
daughter has meant trying not to feel a lot of things. While visiting with me
after a difficult
delivery of my second daughter, he had told me vaguely about sexual abuse from
his parents’ Christian Science adviser through much of his childhood. In my
weakened state, I didn’t draw him out
further and the subject never came up again.
Now, in his disabled state, I was experiencing his terror with male
aides changing his diaper and giving him showers, feeling all the raw emotion
he’d suppressed as he raised me, one of 5 children. I watched his strategies
in dealing with the
aides, figuring how to gain as much control over the situation as he could,
while painfully unable to take care of himself any more. I let the aides know
about his history. That didn’t remove his fear, but softened the
interaction and brought an air of contemplation to all of us as we lived with
what was. Going through Dad’s things to
move him out of his apartment, we found pictures of him with the man that was
his “abuser.” Now he had a face and a
name. I included him in a tabletop
constellation and felt from him a deep longing to belong to our family. I held
the piece of paper representing him
close, feeling the confusion of feelings, but no longer able to shut him out as
an evil force.
There was not a sense of
mastering the healing with Dad, but I just kept showing up every day I could
and feeling my feelings. I felt his
heart opening up, his great joy when he’d see me arriving and my heart opening
beyond anything I’d felt with him before.
Three weeks after Dad
died, our grandson was born, to the daughter who was the newborn, present while
Dad first told me about his childhood experience. Then, last fall, two years
later, after my
daughter had broken up with her son’s dad, I walked into a room and found the
dad sexually stimulating his son. In
dreams or visions, I’ve seen the dad’s exquisite pleasure in his son – his
experience of him as one with himself.
There was no malice in him, only pleasure. In a blind constellation we set up,
using
mats, we found the grandson’s mat willingly underneath his dad’s mat, in
service to him and his family. He felt
scared, but was willing. The dad was
reaching desperately; hungry for the life force in a mat we had called “The
Tree of Life.” Both were in service to
the dad’s parents and much anguish came from both of these family lines.
Because drugs are involved
and the child has nearly died from accidentally ingesting the dad’s drugs at 9
months, we’ve gone down a path of legal steps, our daughter gaining the right
to only supervised visitations with the dad, drug tests and counseling for both
of them –trying to “keep the child safe,” gaining time for deeper healing to
happen with all of us.
It’s easy to get into
dark moods, contemplating how to handle each new challenge with this and where
it will go. I see the darkness is my fear and I appreciate all of you for
bravely
exploring your own and others’ experiences. You give me courage.
Love to all,
Judy Roberson
Media, PA
Gentle Health Assessments
610-566-5573
jl_roberson@xxxxxxxxx
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