Judy –
Thank you. How little we know of each other’s lives, even within families. You
are showing us this with courage and love, and I thank you so much, from my
heart. Our woundings are the compost for the little trees of life that we may
become in this world.
And thank you, Anni, for the invitation that brought Judy to participate.
Barbara
Barbara Ashley Phillips
Executive Coach, Mediator and Facilitator - Creative Attention Canada
780-465-1721 | www.co-creating.ca
From: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx] On Behalf Of Judy Roberson
Sent: May-28-13 10:31 AM
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: [ConstellationTalk] Re: systemic understanding of child pornography
Dear Anni, Ursula,
Carolyn, Dan et al,
“I would invite everyone who reads this thread to
offer at least on thought.”
Thank you for all of
this. And thank you, Anni, for urging us
to share a word. Taking your words to heart has moved me to a deeper place with
my own swimming in this lake of love. My husband and I are
experiencing this issue in real time.
I
am a silent reader and, for the last 5 years, not even a reader, a silent
cataloger, saving all the digests, knowing I want to keep these treasures for a
time like this. When Al saw this thread, he encouraged me to start reading.
In 2008, I began 2 ½ years
at my dad’s side after he’d had a massive stroke. There I experienced his
psyche as I never
imagined in all my years of unconsciously, loyally imitating his dissociation
as his daughter. For me, being his
daughter has meant trying not to feel a lot of things. While visiting with me
after a difficult
delivery of my second daughter, he had told me vaguely about sexual abuse from
his parents’ Christian Science adviser through much of his childhood. In my
weakened state, I didn’t draw him out
further and the subject never came up again.
Now, in his disabled state, I was experiencing his terror with male
aides changing his diaper and giving him showers, feeling all the raw emotion
he’d suppressed as he raised me, one of 5 children. I watched his strategies
in dealing with the
aides, figuring how to gain as much control over the situation as he could,
while painfully unable to take care of himself any more. I let the aides know
about his history. That didn’t remove his fear, but softened the
interaction and brought an air of contemplation to all of us as we lived with
what was. Going through Dad’s things to
move him out of his apartment, we found pictures of him with the man that was
his “abuser.” Now he had a face and a
name. I included him in a tabletop
constellation and felt from him a deep longing to belong to our family. I held
the piece of paper representing him
close, feeling the confusion of feelings, but no longer able to shut him out as
an evil force.
There was not a sense of
mastering the healing with Dad, but I just kept showing up every day I could
and feeling my feelings. I felt his
heart opening up, his great joy when he’d see me arriving and my heart opening
beyond anything I’d felt with him before.
Three weeks after Dad
died, our grandson was born, to the daughter who was the newborn, present while
Dad first told me about his childhood experience. Then, last fall, two years
later, after my
daughter had broken up with her son’s dad, I walked into a room and found the
dad sexually stimulating his son. In
dreams or visions, I’ve seen the dad’s exquisite pleasure in his son – his
experience of him as one with himself.
There was no malice in him, only pleasure. In a blind constellation we set up,
using
mats, we found the grandson’s mat willingly underneath his dad’s mat, in
service to him and his family. He felt
scared, but was willing. The dad was
reaching desperately; hungry for the life force in a mat we had called “The
Tree of Life.” Both were in service to
the dad’s parents and much anguish came from both of these family lines.
Because drugs are involved
and the child has nearly died from accidentally ingesting the dad’s drugs at 9
months, we’ve gone down a path of legal steps, our daughter gaining the right
to only supervised visitations with the dad, drug tests and counseling for both
of them –trying to “keep the child safe,” gaining time for deeper healing to
happen with all of us.
It’s easy to get into
dark moods, contemplating how to handle each new challenge with this and where
it will go. I see the darkness is my fear and I appreciate all of you for
bravely
exploring your own and others’ experiences. You give me courage.
Love to all,
Judy Roberson
Media, PA
Gentle Health Assessments
610-566-5573
jl_roberson@xxxxxxxxx <mailto:jl_roberson%40yahoo.com>
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