Dear all,
I am grateful for the question and all the valuable comments.
This week I had a session with a client, and as commonly happens the hour is
spent with lots of her downloading what is not working and what she can’t do.
I have learned to move slowly.
This week she gave me a gift of understanding when at the end of the session
she said ‘it just calms me to be able to tell you these things’. I felt my
body relax out of the ‘I wonder if I am serving you well’ space.
The multiple comments in this thread reinforce the meaningfulness of just being
a safe and respectful presence.
Thank you all………………..Janice Lindgren
Sent from Mail for Windows 10
From: Heiki Eesmaa heiki.eesmaa@xxxxxxxxx [ConstellationTalk]
Sent: Saturday, October 10, 2020 7:47 AM
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: Re: [ConstellationTalk] Highly traumatized
Sneh's comment brings to mind the literature on reactance in therapy, Larry
Beutler being one of the main authors. Very briefly, reactant (~resistant)
clients respond better to nondirective methods. Nancy McWilliams's diagnosis
book has an interesting case describing her doing several sessions sitting in
silence with the patient by agreement, until the patient declares intention to
work otherwise.
One possible review article: Beutler LE, Moleiro C, Talebi H. Resistance in
psychotherapy: what conclusions are supported by research. J Clin Psychol. 2002
Feb;58(2):207-17. doi: 10.1002/jclp.1144. PMID: 11793333.
all the best
Heiki
On Sat, Oct 10, 2020 at 4:35 PM Sneh Victoria Schnabel sneh.victoria@xxxxxxxxx
[ConstellationTalk] <ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
Dear Elmar,
you might not be aware what an immense service you did for the whole
constellation community with sharing your experience.
Thank you for your courage and open mindedness. We all can only gain in asking
difficult questions.
Aside from this I want to share a very unusual „treatment" my supervisor once
told us: a man whose problems he clearly could not help solving and who- after
some sessions said, he simply does not have any friend in his environment, was
helped greatly in the following way. They stopped the Therapy „talk“- instead
(of course with the clients permission) continued with a different kind of
„treatment" by simply sitting together for the hour, savouring a small glass of
sweet liquor accompanied by some sweets, and the therapist simply listening to
whatever his client wanted to share.
It always stayed in my memory and inspired me to this day.
I hope it can inspire others too..
Much appreciation and love to you, Elmar,
Sneh
Am 10.10.2020 um 02:05 schrieb Elmar Dornberger elmar@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[ConstellationTalk] <ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>:
Dear All
Thank you very much for responding to my client case.
I also want to thank the once corresponding to me directly..
Yours,
Elmar
On Oct 9, 2020, at 5:32 PM, 'drmdressler@xxxxxxxxx' drmdressler@xxxxxxxxx
[ConstellationTalk] <ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
Hello Everyone,
As Gabor Mate observed trauma is a continuum. Varying degrees of trauma is
present in most of us, clients and facilitators.
Regrettably blaming the client on any level is a major and widely present
practice in the system. To say that she does not want to heal enough is missing
and denying the obvious - she feels miserable and turns up for a session.
The biggest challenge in my practice is trying to be aware of the client's
reality before being aware of my own. Banging my chest about 200 years of
experience and qualifications only highlights my sense of insecurity about my
competence.
Barbara mentioned "You are right. I cannot help you. Say it clearly, kindly,
gently. Be sure you are comfortable with that statement, as she will read you."
I would say check within yourself first - do I really feel kindly and gentle or
does her resistance to my suggestions generates frustration, disappointment or
uncaring within me.
By the way feeling that there is really nothing that we can do is very
different from giving no advice and no suggestion. Acknowledging her truth that
no one could help her is not the same as saying I cannot help you. (Once again
"I cannot help you" can have a subtle implication: you are so difficult, so far
gone, I am ok but you are not etc.)
Being there fully with her is a powerful yet subtle doing - but it needs to be
authentic and genuine, clever faking will not do.
Best wishes,
Monika
On Friday, October 9, 2020, 12:17:24 PM GMT+11, Barbara barbara@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[ConstellationTalk] <constellationtalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
It's okay to say, "You are right. I cannot help you." Say it clearly, kindly,
gently. Be sure you are comfortable with that statement, as she will read you.
If you want her to heal more than she wants to heal, nothing will work.
Making suggestions to such a one is hazardous at best. After you admit there is
nothing you can do, see what happens. She may actually have something in mind
to suggest to you.
Barbara
On 10/8/2020 6:54 PM, 'drmdressler@xxxxxxxxx' drmdressler@xxxxxxxxx
[ConstellationTalk] wrote:
Hi Elmar,
My guess is that she is right. Nothing worked for her and all suggestions were
useless. Some may consider that she in fact does have connection to feelings -
called anger, but clearly she does not feel understood. So maybe it is time to
just be with her without suggestions and advice. Not easy when we feel
compelled to do things to avoid feeling powerless.
Best wishes,
Monika
On Friday, October 9, 2020, 09:52:47 AM GMT+11, Elmar Dornberger
elmar@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[ConstellationTalk]<constellationtalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
I am wondering if anyone has worked with a highly traumatizes person.
The trauma stems from early childhood abuse by a narcissistic mother and an
absent father. This person has no connections to feelings and sensations. All
her reactions are either emotional flooding or anger.
She has gone to a massage therapist for 3 years and would feel exactly the same
after every treatment as before.
She was her mother's slave, cooking, cleaning, caretaking, etc. She had no
friends and never developed a sense of herself. She is successful in business
working with numbers. What she wants is a family live.. Anything I suggest or
do with her she rejects or claims she has done (everything) before and nothing
works.
I am not a beginner at this I am a Psychotherapist and a Constellation
Facilitator for over 20 years, and yet this is a new situation.
Yours,
Elmar
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