To clarify, the statement, “Such forgiveness is never complete in life,” needs
more context that I gave it. It was not clear that I was referencing an
offender being forgiven for the crime of murder. The murderer cannot receive a
full measure of forgiveness in life.
For those in New England region, I continue to lead Constellations circles in a
Massachusetts prison. Here are the 2015 dates.
January
24
February
7
March
28
April
25
May
23
June
27
September
26
October
31
If you would like to attend, please email me privately at
dan.booth.cohen@xxxxxxxxx.
Dan
Dan Booth Cohen, PhD
Free Monthly Consciousness Call <http://hiddensolution.com/services/#freecall>
Immersion Program: See with Your Heart. Live Your Purpose. Love Your Life
<http://hiddensolution.com/training/>
<http://www.hiddensolution.com/> www.HiddenSolution.com
781-718-7158
From: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx] ;
Sent: Sunday, January 18, 2015 10:38 AM
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: Re: [ConstellationTalk] Forgiveness in Constellations
Wow what a rich thread. My understanding of forgiveness being problematic in
Hellingers view is when children are forgiving their parents, my understanding
is that he objects to this because it puts children in the parental or more
powerful position and therefore out of order. When I hear this being done I
like to intervene with Hellingers perspective, my experience is that this is a
powerful intervention that takes time to digest. Otherwise I encourage
forgiveness and reconcilitation:)
the english definition I pull up is the intentional and voluntary process by
which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an
offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased
ability to wish the offender well. Sounds pretty good to me:)
Thinking deeply about forgiveness leads directly into victim, perpetrator and
guilt and innocence and conscience and belonging. I think Hellingers
discussion on these topics is masterful and worth rereading in loves hidden
symmetry. For me, forgiveness, or one could say the stance of openness to what
is, is a key move in embarking on the spiritual path. I could say that
Hellingers exposition on the dynamics behind forgiveness bridges the
unforgiveness of duality consciousness with non-duality or knits back together
the way we separate ourselves or how we separate drop wave and ocean, which by
the way Mary if there was no drop their would be no wave nor ocean.
And I love what you say Johanna, "all done here and now, can forgiveness be
more complete than that?" I think you make Dan's point beautifully. And I
wonder for myself, how can I seamlessly be? What in me is unforgiven and/or
unforgiving? What conscience am I loyal to in each moment?
On Fri, Jan 16, 2015 at 10:56 PM, Joanna Malinowska
joanna@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx [ConstellationTalk]
<ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
Hi Dan, Hi Everybody,
It is a very interesting conversation. I am not so quick into going into
statements and theories, but perhaps just two little thoughts.
Firstly, the word forgiveness. Like every word, especially big words, it has
different meaning to everybody. We all live in different worlds, the worlds we
created for ourselves with our interpretations of what is happening here and
now, before our eyes, not to mention future and past. Forgiveness has different
meaning to every single client. For those who live very much in the current
moment may mean nothing, they do not need to forgive, as past is not here. For
others, it may be very much the need to make somebody guilty and responsible
for the past. For others, it may be not taking revenge on relatives of the
offender. So it depends how it is spoken and what it means in the current
situation.
Secondly, the last words Dan written: "Such forgiveness is never complete in
life" I how you know, Dan, but if I give an example of what did happen in one
of my sessions not that long ago.
I had a client with severe eating disorder, a young woman who had been
hospitalized many times and treated for over ten years. She happened to be
sexually abused by a psychiatrist who treated her in the clinic when she was a
teenager.
I am a hypnotherapist and I usually facilitate Family Constellations in
hypnosis. It allows not only to create the opening for the change, as
Constellations do, but also to implement the change, even test it in the future.
For trauma, I have an NLP technique for the client to leave the traumatic event
in the past. It becomes small and far away. Then I ask them to face the
perpetrators, leave their actions with them and take the power back. The woman
was shaking with hate when looking at the man, but was able to leave the
responsibility for his actions with him and "Take back from him her power to
make herself feel good or back". The she was quiet for a while and said she to
him "I forgive you". And I asked her "This is the past, is it? He has to carry
the responsibility for his action, this is a heavy load, is it? Just have a
good look. " And she said after a while "I feel sorry for him. I feel
compassion for him" .
All done here and now, can forgiveness be more complete than that?
Joanna
On Sat, Jan 17, 2015 at 12:32 PM, Leslie Nipps lnipps@xxxxxxxxx
[ConstellationTalk] <ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
Thanks for this summary, Dan. Very useful. And your description of the Sulha
reminds me of the modern Restorative Justice movement here in the United
States, and of course the South African Reconciliation Process. All three
recognize that remorse/forgiveness is a manifestation of systemic realities
(that is, affects the whole community), and is not just an exchange between two
people or parties. I think that’s the tricky territory we can run into when a
representative feels the urge to forgive another in a constellation. Complex!
;-)
The Rev. Leslie Nipps
NLP & Family Constellations Practititoner
“Trust as a Way of Life…”
leslie@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
On Jan 15, 2015, at 8:24 PM, 'Dan Booth Cohen, PhD' danboothcohen@xxxxxxxxx
[ConstellationTalk] <ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
Alison –
Thanks for raising such interesting questions. Thanks to our CT community for
such interesting responses!
Using the model of three dimensions of consciousness –
personal/ancestral/spiritual or drop/wave/ocean – to understand forgiveness
reveals important distinctions that can help facilitators navigate through
challenging Constellations.
On the third dimension, forgiveness is meaningless. This is the dimension of
consciousness that is beyond human scale. The dualities and polarities of human
relationships are all absorbed into the vast network of timeless consciousness.
On the second dimension, forgiveness has its place as illustrated by Alison’s
original examples. In both, the dead are receiving the remorse of the living
and offering forgiveness in return. As Albrecht Mahr explained, “As soon as the
dead are remembered and their fates acknowledged, they are able to withdraw and
become guardians of the living, bestowing their blessing and benevolence on
them. In this way, even after decades, the living and the dead can help to
heal each other.”
On the first dimension, Hellinger’s caution against the living offering
forgiveness to each other is operative. Still, there are situations where
forgiveness is an effective instrument for restoring the balance in
relationships between individuals and families that have harmed each other.
The traditional Palestinian peacemaking process known as Sulha is used to
interrupt blood feuds that might otherwise escalate indefinitely. It has its
roots in early Semitic writings, Christian scriptures, and Islamic Arab
literature. Sulha is a community-based forgiveness process that involves not
only the offender and victim, but their immediate and extended families, a
council of trusted elders, and members of the community-at-large. It
integrates words and deeds. Sulha begins when a traumatic event, such as
murder, occurs in the community. The Sulha is led by a group of respected
elders each of whom is viewed as wise, fair, honest, and trustworthy. The
elders control the process, which sometimes takes months to achieve a full
resolution. Forgiveness within the context of the Sulha requires that the
offender publicly acknowledges their guilt, expresses remorse, and offers
meaningful (even if sometimes symbolic) restitution. The grandparents,
parents, and children in the affected families come together for an elaborate
public ceremony. In front of the community, the victim’s family accepts the
offer of reconciliation and swears not to seek revenge. The ceremony ends with
speeches, prayers, handshakes, and a shared meal.
In modern cultures, forgiveness cannot be achieved with a simple apology and
its acceptance. When the acts that caused harm are irreversible, the pathway
to forgiveness places special demands on both sides. For the perpetrators, or
their descendants, forgiveness requires acknowledging guilt, expressing sincere
remorse, and offering a reasonable restitution. For the victims and their
descendants, forgiveness is an act of deep compassion and humility that
restores the sweetness of life to the living. Forgiveness leaves the guilt with
the perpetrator and frees the victims from the desire for vengeance. It comes
when perpetrators, victims, and their descendants include each other as full
members of the human community. The fate of all individuals involved are
accepted and respected. Such forgiveness is never complete in life.
Dan
Dan Booth Cohen, PhD
Free Monthly Consciousness Call <http://hiddensolution.com/services/#freecall>
Immersion Program: See with Your Heart. Live Your Purpose. Love Your Life
<http://hiddensolution.com/training/>
<http://www.hiddensolution.com/> www.HiddenSolution.com
781-718-7158
From: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx] ;
Sent: Saturday, January 03, 2015 10:28 PM
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: [ConstellationTalk] Forgiveness in Constellations
Hello Community,
Am wondering about "forgiveness" and how people experience it in
Constellations.
I am aware that there is a particular understanding from Hellinger regarding
forgiveness as it relates to Orders of Love and Balancing Giving and Taking.
However, I have also heard Constellation facilitators say "we don't forgive".
Again, I'm sure there was a particular context, but I would love some clarity
from people on the list.
It comes up for me because I recently heard two ancestral healing stories that
were guided by shamanic principles within an indigenous context in which
forgiveness played a significant role. In one case, it was a white Australian
who worked with an aboriginal healer. Through visions, she saw their European
ancestors, and a line of Aboriginal women and she experienced a tremendous
grief and sorrow and asked for forgiveness. She experienced her apology being
received and a profound sense of love. In another experience, an American
Vietnam Vet who felt "haunted" by a boy he killed had an experience of working
through visions and asking forgiveness of the boy. The boy accepted, and again,
a great flow of love was experienced.
How does this view of forgiveness fit with Hellinger's insights?
It is the courageous heart that loves. It is the loving heart that heals.
alisonfornes.com <http://alisonfornes.com/>
--
Joanna Malinowska
Clinical Hypnotherapist
www.myhypno.com.au
www.self-hypnosis.com.au
Mobile 0412 092 972
--
David Slade
<http://i.imgur.com/pMJmIl.jpg> Family Tree Care
www.family-tree-care.com <http://www.family-tree-care.com/>
203-804-5291
