dear Leslie,
in my experience, Bert would not let a representative or client speak in
version one, and even two. Because reproaches or anger do not express a
feeling to which the other person can open up.of course, the tone of our
voice makes a big difference, too. Even number two, to me it still feels
like an accusation. As Marshall Rosenberg insists, we need to express our
needs as directly and simply as we can, to be heard by the other person.
From version 1, I help them to move directly to version 3, slow the time
down.
When someone in my group speaks in version 2, I also help them to express
their feelings in version 3,
where they tell the other person how much they needed them and still want
closeness with them or something like that. This has usually a melting
effect on both, because now the accused person can usually come out of
their own isolation.
and a happy new year to us all.
angelika
"You never saw me" version 2, turns into version 3: " I so needed you to
see me. I missed you so much. I felt so alone without you." The person who
hears that can usually resonate with that as their own experience. Then the
reps usually take over, and things fall into place.
The embrace and the tears are not far away, and a shared space and some
equality is established in the shared tears.
On Mon, Jan 5, 2015 at 10:11 AM, Leslie Nipps lnipps@xxxxxxxxx
[ConstellationTalk] <ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
I totally agree with you Robert, and again, with a caveat. I think as
facilitators we have an obligation to listen with discernment to
representatives’ contributions, and to find a more useful way to channel
the energy coming into the room.
Just for example, if I let representatives really go, again, esp with new
folk, they can easily fall into saying to another representative: “Fuck
you!” And then, the other says Fuck You back, and then they’re fighting,
and the disorder is only deepened. But if I can help the representative say
“You never saw me. I was alone.” Then movement and healing can take place.
The first option feels good in a certain way, and is certainly correct, but
it doesn’t help anything; in fact, it harms. The second says the same
thing, only healingly, and actually feels better to the representative
because it’s truer, healing.
And, I suspect we’re mostly on the same page about these things. It’s all
in the nuances...
Peace, Leslie
The Rev. Leslie Nipps
NLP & Family Constellations Practititoner
“Trust as a Way of Life…”
leslie@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
On Jan 4, 2015, at 4:01 PM, Robert Grant erebees@xxxxxxxxx
[ConstellationTalk] <ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
Hello All again, although I though I have finished for the day. Yet I am
compelled to make an observation about “inexperienced representatives”. I
feel it is a very big call to dismiss any contribution in the field.
“Inexperienced representatives” ARE part of the field. It is our challenge
to sense and understand what they are saying, why and what is the driving
force behind their statements. It is our own entanglement that is the
hardest to deal with.
Best wishes to all,
Robert
On Mon, Jan 5, 2015 at 10:41 AM, Leslie Nipps lnipps@xxxxxxxxx
[ConstellationTalk] <ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
Yes, I agree, and to muddy the water a little…;-)
Inexperienced representatives often want to contribute ideas that don’t
come from the Field but are their preconceived notions of how it should
unfold, or out of a desire to be “helpful.” I often find it necessary to
gently, kindly, but firmly interrupt these contributions because they only
deepen the present state of the system’s disorder, and it takes even more
energy to move forward when we spend time in “helpful” ideas that don’t
widen our frame. Obviously, this needs to be done respectfully, but I do
feel that sometimes firmness and authority are really needed.
And, of course, there is the deeper discernment to tell the difference
between the two…
Peace, Leslie
The Rev. Leslie Nipps
NLP & Family Constellations Practititoner
“Trust as a Way of Life…”
leslie@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
On Jan 4, 2015, at 3:35 PM, Robert Grant erebees@xxxxxxxxx
[ConstellationTalk] <ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
Dear Friends,
“I felt that I had interrupted a process that I should have allowed out
of a concept about forgiveness as opposed to out of something that arose
from within the field.“
Yes, I feel very strongly that the above statement highlights perhaps one
of the greatest challenge in the evolution of the constellation method. All
too often I witness facilitators falling into the trap of “knowing better”
rather than allowing the field to guide them in constellation. And I mean
the whole field, all those present in the room, client and representative
in equal measure.
I find participating in peer practice groups very helpful where there is
openness to discuss our differing approaches and learn from one an other
without the distorting effects of ego, unawareness, financial imperatives
and facilitator authority.
Best wishes to all,
Robert
On Mon, Jan 5, 2015 at 9:01 AM, Alison Fornes maitreya71@xxxxxxxxx
[ConstellationTalk] <ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
In a Constellation not long ago that I facilitated, the representative
for the client's brother suddenly felt a rising up and said either, "I'm
sorry" or "forgive me". I did my facilitator thing and interrupted him.
While I don't recall the specifics of what happened next, and the
constellation was rich and powerful and healing, what stayed with me
were questions about why I interrupted him.
When I processed with the client afterwards and we spoke about that
moment, she said that she felt a great surge of emotion, for this was
the he first time she had heard anything that suggested a recognition
of the pain he caused her. I felt that I had interrupted a process that I
should have allowed out of a concept about forgiveness as opposed to out
of something that arose from within the field.
I certainly resonate with these posts and the need to be truly present
for seeing, feeling and honoring the pain that is present. But isn't there
also a space for deep sorrow, regret?
As I write, I notice my own answer emerges. Seeing the constant rise and
fall different aspects, no end point. "I am sorry", "forgive me", just
another arising in the healing movement. If we as facilitators can hold
each arising moment while still being open to what's next, as opposed to
constricting as I did in that moment, perhaps that is what allows something
truly new to emerge, even for me as a facilitator.
Grateful for this forum to help process it.
With a Sunny Heart,
Alison
