Hi all,
First off, this is my inaugural post!
Second, hello to those of you I met at the Conference!
Third:
Rape is a lot more complicated than just constellating the rapist
and the person who was raped -- which is a tendency many
people might have. Some considerations:
1) I think it best for you client to begin the therapy with a SPECIFIC
element of this issue she wants to work on. Just saying "I want to
work on the rape" is like saying "I want to constellate my mother" --
Pandora's box!!! Plus, it will be difficult for her to measure her own
progress if she doesn't have something more concrete to "hold on
to." For example, maybe she's having intimacy issues with her
current partner, or unable to get pregnant, or she is unable to
have a partner, unable to enjoy sex, etc. If she brings in an issue
like that, then yes, the rape might be involved, but you also open
the therapy up to OTHER possibilities, other things that might have
been affecting her BEFORE the rape, or that might have
contributed to her putting herself in a context where rape was
more possible.
2) I'm not a trauma specialist, so please, trauma specialists,
correct me if I'm wrong! I would imagine that this rape was a
trauma for her, in which case -- unless she's done some trauma
work previously -- you have to be EXTREMELYcareful with how you
manage this, because the last thing you want is for her to be
retraumatized. I would be especially careful of this if you (a man)
are helping her (a woman who was raped) in an individual session:
the rape has probably changed the way she experiences intimacy
(especially with men) so that might color the intimacy inherent in an
individual session.
If you're interested in trauma work that you could apply in your
therapy with her, Franz Ruppert's new book Splits in the Soul is
excellent (he focuses on personal trauma as opposed to social
trauma), and Johannes B. Schmidt's Inner Navigation also has a
chapter on how to do constellations for personal trauma.
3) Don't try to save her or her (potential) family!!!!!!! Yes, she is a
client, and yes, she has come to you for help, but the weight of her
future, the weight of that family she has dreamt of in her heart is
HERS -- I'm thinking of where you say "that must come to light."
Nothing MUST come to light, because then you place YOUR
expectations on HER personal process. This is where it becomes
extremely important for you to consider what you as a (human
being who is also) a therapist can do for her. Perhaps she's
pushing you to "resolve" the rape, but that's where you step back,
see her in the context of her entire family, their history, and ask
yourself: what can I do? What am I allowed to do? Take a good
hard look at what you are capable of doing, what is within your
powers, and only do that. None of us wants to admit this, but
there are many therapists out there...so each one of us only has to
provide a small part of the client's solution, if even that. A simple,
small movement (as opposed to a full-blown constellation) might
be what she needs now. Many times, one microscopic step is the
best first step.
4) Other complicating factors: Did she know the rapist? One thing
is if this happened to her randomly as she was walking down the
street, and another is if her boyfriend raped her (neither better nor
worse, but perhaps there might be some different consequences)....
Is one of "the devastating effects" on her life that she got
pregnant, and then had an abortion? That's an extremely
important issue, but one that probably shouldn't be the first thing
constellated (but it would most likely have some effects on her
future attempts at having children, or at least her relationship with
those children).
Well, I hope this was of some help, and -- more importantly -- I
hope this sparks an interesting discussion. It's a complicated
issue, especially with the *societal* (not just personal) tendency to
blame the perpetrator and glorify the victim.
Happy Friday!
Andy
--------------------------
From:Patrick McNally <patrick@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
To: "ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx"
<ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Date: venerdì 03 febbraio 2012 07:40
Subj:[ConstellationTalk] Re: Rape
Gary and All,college.
Reading Gary's beautiful explication of forgiveness below is
timely because I have a young woman (early 20's)
who has asked for my help regarding rape while she was in
I've not dealt with rape before, and while thinking how we mighther
proceed in an upcoming workshop, I feel she very much "blames"
the rapist for the devastating effects the experience has had on
life. She's in a relationship, plans to marry and have children,and
I can only surmise that if left unresolved the rape will have badcloseness
consequences for her children.
Is my feeling right that the rapist has become a member of her
system, or am I taking that too far? It's not murder,
but the degree of violation seems in her case to result in
between her and the rapist, rejected by her, that must come toFebruary 1, 2012 3:33
light.
I have a bit of fear to proceed, not wanting to cause any
harm, and also recognize that confronting my fear could
open us up to a deep experience in this field, if that's
appropriate to her.
Wanting very much to help her, and appreciating any
comments from the group.
Patrick McNally
________________________________
From: "Gary@xxxxxxxxxxxx" <Gary@xxxxxxxxxxxx>
To: "ConstellationTalk@yahoogroups. com"
<ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> Sent: Wednesday,
PMAcceptance by
Subject: [ConstellationTalk] Transcending Forgiveness through
Gary Stuartconsequences at
Transcending Forgiveness Through Acceptance
Today, many healers, seekers and therapists have jumped on a
dysfunctional bandwagon without realizing the systemic
hand. Bert Hellinger, renowned philosopher and developer ofmany,
Constellation work and Spirit-Mind movements, has reported for
many years that there is a hidden symmetry and order to love.explore and
As a facilitator of this modality, I must concur that I find these
bold statements to be very true and will gladly help anyone
understand the philosophy and reasoning behind them. Asalways, let your
heart decide what is right for you and your well-being.not
Practicing the "Art of Forgiveness" can be very damaging to the
so-called "forgiver" on many levels. This act of superiority may
serve their best interests no matter how well-intentioned. Thissuperior
attitude that seeks to be bigger than a perpetrator or anypainful
situation actually diminishes the effectiveness of release thatonly
acceptance can consciously bring about. The "forgiver' actuallyupon
perpetuates the pain of victimization in an unhealthful way --
themselves and, unconsciously, upon others as well.atrocity, the very
If the desired goal is to release oneself from pain and suffering in
order to heal a deep wound and move beyond an endured
idea of "forgiveness" becomes detrimental to both the Forgiverand the
Forgiven. Systemically speaking, we would call this being "toobig,"
arrogant or presumptuous, as it robs the perpetrator ofresponsibility,
whether it was our parents or any other person who has done usperceived
"harm." It also disrespects the bigger fate and destiny of ourwhole
ancestral line. In doing so, the "forgiver" attempts to elevate himor
herself to the "top" of the whole hierarchical system, as if he orshe
was the creator of life itself -- showing pity on these poor littleaddition
subjects under his or her command. In reality, the most recent
to any larger family system has no right to judge those whocame before,
as they are the newer members in the larger hierarchicalframework known
as a family. Sure we all have our opinions and feelings, andthese are
in no way meant to be negated, but if anyone truly wants tobreak the
cycle of Perpetrator/Victim, "forgiveness" is NOT the way to do it.It
is then the Victim who carries both energies, thereby hurtingthemselves
with a heavier load of toxic baggage that enslaves them to thepast.
harmony
ReSOULution
There is a way out, however, that is more simple, profound and
completely healing, leading to a restoration of love, order and
for all concerned. This liberating state of "non-forgiveness" issimply
called "ACCEPTANCE." Can we be small enough and humbleenough to
acknowledge our place in the larger context of amultidimensional
generation of forebears from whence we inherited our DNA? Wereceived
the Gift of Life through them despite their suffering and turmoil.This
dualistic condition in which we are living provides wonder andhorror
equally. The key is to honor and accept life itself AS IT IS. Thisharmony,
action of accepting imperfection (even the living dynamics of
catastrophic change) will lead us back to our inner and outer
providing us with dignity and strength. These qualities will onlyhelp
us accept the gifts and challenges equally that life continuallyseems
to toss in our path. It is the ACCEPTANCE of everything "as it is,"from
our families to our human history, that releases us all from thechains
of the past and points us toward a better tomorrow.and does
Just as the arrogance of "forgiveness" weakens us, the humility of
"acceptance" empowers us. It is ours to decide which feels best
the most good. Always remember, we did not create the cycle oflife. We
are merely participants, and our day in the Sun lasts for a veryshort
time.our
This is our chance to enjoy, transform and better ourselves and
children, just as those who came before did for us, whether weknow it
or not. Taking our rightful place as the smallest member of thefamily
system allows us to evolve into something great. Honor andgratitude,
along with ACCEPTANCE, breaks the cycle of slavery to whichForgiveness
binds us. Our ACCEPTANCE of life AS IT IS, along with acceptingour
parents AS THEY ARE and our larger family system AS IT WAS,relieves us
of our self-appointed role as judge and jury. To remain neutralwithout
judgments also leads us to accept the good things we inheritedmore
deeply. By letting those who wronged or hurt us own their ownentanglement
Perpetrator/Victim energy, we release ourselves from the
and let the fate and responsibility rest where it belongs -- withthem.
made.
This isn't about blame or shaming others for the choices they
It is about honoring our own part in it and theacknowledgement that
with acceptance comes release. Life seems to be inherentlygood, as
everyone who shares life has always tried to follow his or hergood
conscience to the best of their ability. Often such incidentsoccurred
in a place and time pre-dating your own creation and admissioninto the
family system -- and which, on the deepest of levels, wasprobably
agreed to all along. Accepting these simple truths will free youand
strengthen your resolve without any need to "FORGIVE." BowDown in
thankfulness & gratitude as you ACCEPT your life as a Gift thatwas
Given.
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