Patrick,
Such a lot of good feedback your post has prompted. After reading much of the
feedback, I just read your original post which I reposted below. Yes, a
potentially loaded topic. Here's where my thoughts went:
I don't see the issue so much as the rape, but rather her relationship with her
fiance. I would likely have started there, setting up she and her fiance. It
really is about her trusting him. Yes, that may be affected by this terrible
experience she had, but could also stem from other things, with his or her
family having influence. And if the rape is connected to or was influenced by
her family history, then starting with her and him and going into either or
both families, may be another way for her to begin to frame the rape. It could
also be that an exchange of just a few sentences between them is the best
first step to take - for example, she -I'm afraid/he -I see your fear/she-I
want your protection/he- we're in this together - many sentences might come up
in the moment, of course it can't be scripted, I'm just giving you an idea from
other constellations I've led. Perhaps a stronger sense of connection with her
fiance will help her with resolving the rape. I learned from Stephan Hausner to
focus on removing the obstacle from the next step which is needed. Then the
person is free to take whatever action they see fit. I don't try and "resolve"
events, or work some big magic on the client. Just help them with the next step
they are having difficulty making.
The trauma of rape, yes, this impacts her in many ways, especially
neurologically and physiologically, effects which she may need some additional
help with, perhaps with bodywork. Trauma is not my specialty but Peter Levine
has connections to our work, and Anngwyn is a good conduit for this.
I have just learned from past experience, that one needn't always "take the
bait" of the stated traumatic event. The issue is still, "You were raped. Yes.
And what is the problem?" I don't mean this to sound as heartless as it might,
it's just that the rape is an event which has resulted for her, in at least her
fear or concern that her marriage, childbearing etc. will be affected. This is
why I would go first to her current relationship.
In the moment, there are many ways to go; I try not to be taken in by shocking
events as they are not always the problem. In one of my first workshops a woman
came up and said, "My brother hired an assasin to murder our mother and her
boyfriend. The boyfriend was killed and our mother was wounded but lived."
Shocking. We were all - myself and the group - traumatized by this story! I set
up these mentioned characters. Wrong. I should have asked, in some kind way,
"And what is the problem?" I don't even remember what happened but I learned a
lesson from this - Focus on the person, not the event; start where she is at.
You're a competent practitioner. And a human being as well, with your own
history, triggers, strengths and weaknesses. Your self-reflection and asking
questions is a good lesson for us all.
all the best, sheila
Stephan Hausner returns to Asheville - March 6-7, 2012!!!
Sheila Saunders, RN, LMFT
www.systemicfamilysolutions.com
PO Box 1011 Weaverville, North Carolina 28787
828-273-5015
"When we have passed a certain age, the soul of the child we were and the souls
of the dead from whom we have sprung come to lavish on us their riches and
their spells." -Marcel Proust (In Search of Lost Time)
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Subject: [ConstellationTalk] Re: Rape
Gary and All,
Reading Gary's beautiful explication of forgiveness below is
timely because I have a young woman (early 20's)
who has asked for my help regarding rape while she was in college.
I've not dealt with rape before, and while thinking how we might
proceed in an upcoming workshop, I feel she very much "blames"
the rapist for the devastating effects the experience has had on her
life. She's in a relationship, plans to marry and have children, and
I can only surmise that if left unresolved the rape will have bad
consequences for her children.
Is my feeling right that the rapist has become a member of her
system, or am I taking that too far? It's not murder,
but the degree of violation seems in her case to result in closeness
between her and the rapist, rejected by her, that must come to
light.
I have a bit of fear to proceed, not wanting to cause any
harm, and also recognize that confronting my fear could
open us up to a deep experience in this field, if that's
appropriate to her.
Wanting very much to help her, and appreciating any
comments from the group.
Patrick McNally
