Thank you all for this fascinating, challenging discussion. I have been
reading this debate avidly and am very grateful for the opportunity to
learn from this discussion.
I think Sheila is right. The work we do in constellations is to heal the
now, we work with energy that is in the now, not in the past. It seems to
me the work is about how one moves forward in one's life and ultimately we
want to find the best way to go forward not back.
What struck me from day one about the power of this work is not focussing
on the story,but (to quote Hellinger) working with what is. It is very
easy, when given a dramatic story to get caught up in that, rather than
remaining with, "what is the problem now? how do you want your life to be
better now?" This is the starting point, and the work then shows how
horrors and events from the past may frame or influence that.
Thank you all for helping me to become more aware of this.
Love Liz
On Wed, Feb 8, 2012 at 8:45 PM, sheila saunders
<peacefulcentre@xxxxxxxxxxx>wrote:
**
Patrick,
Such a lot of good feedback your post has prompted. After reading much of
the feedback, I just read your original post which I reposted below. Yes, a
potentially loaded topic. Here's where my thoughts went:
I don't see the issue so much as the rape, but rather her relationship
with her fiance. I would likely have started there, setting up she and her
fiance. It really is about her trusting him. Yes, that may be affected by
this terrible experience she had, but could also stem from other things,
with his or her family having influence. And if the rape is connected to or
was influenced by her family history, then starting with her and him and
going into either or both families, may be another way for her to begin to
frame the rape. It could also be that an exchange of just a few sentences
between them is the best first step to take - for example, she -I'm
afraid/he -I see your fear/she-I want your protection/he- we're in this
together - many sentences might come up in the moment, of course it can't
be scripted, I'm just giving you an idea from other constellations I've
led. Perhaps a stronger sense of connection with her fiance will help her
with resolving the rape. I learned from Stephan Hausner to focus on
removing the obstacle from the next step which is needed. Then the person
is free to take whatever action they see fit. I don't try and "resolve"
events, or work some big magic on the client. Just help them with the next
step they are having difficulty making.
The trauma of rape, yes, this impacts her in many ways, especially
neurologically and physiologically, effects which she may need some
additional help with, perhaps with bodywork. Trauma is not my specialty but
Peter Levine has connections to our work, and Anngwyn is a good conduit for
this.
I have just learned from past experience, that one needn't always "take
the bait" of the stated traumatic event. The issue is still, "You were
raped. Yes. And what is the problem?" I don't mean this to sound as
heartless as it might, it's just that the rape is an event which has
resulted for her, in at least her fear or concern that her marriage,
childbearing etc. will be affected. This is why I would go first to her
current relationship.
In the moment, there are many ways to go; I try not to be taken in by
shocking events as they are not always the problem. In one of my first
workshops a woman came up and said, "My brother hired an assasin to murder
our mother and her boyfriend. The boyfriend was killed and our mother was
wounded but lived." Shocking. We were all - myself and the group -
traumatized by this story! I set up these mentioned characters. Wrong. I
should have asked, in some kind way, "And what is the problem?" I don't
even remember what happened but I learned a lesson from this - Focus on the
person, not the event; start where she is at.
You're a competent practitioner. And a human being as well, with your own
history, triggers, strengths and weaknesses. Your self-reflection and
asking questions is a good lesson for us all.
all the best, sheila
Stephan Hausner returns to Asheville - March 6-7, 2012!!!
Sheila Saunders, RN, LMFT
www.systemicfamilysolutions.com
PO Box 1011 Weaverville, North Carolina 28787
828-273-5015
"When we have passed a certain age, the soul of the child we were and the
souls of the dead from whom we have sprung come to lavish on us their
riches and their spells." -Marcel Proust (In Search of Lost Time)
From: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx <mailto:ConstellationTalk%40yahoogroups.com> <mailto: ;<mailto:%0b>
ConstellationTalk%40yahoogroups.com> [mailto:ConstellationTalk%40yahoogroups.com> <mailto: ;<mailto:%0b>
ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx <mailto:
ConstellationTalk%40yahoogroups.com> ] On Behalf Of Patrick McNallyConstellationTalk%40yahoogroups.com> <mailto: ;<mailto:%0b>
Sent: Friday, February 03, 2012 2:40 PM
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx <mailto:
ConstellationTalk%40yahoogroups.com>
Subject: [ConstellationTalk] Re: Rape
Gary and All,
Reading Gary's beautiful explication of forgiveness below is
timely because I have a young woman (early 20's)
who has asked for my help regarding rape while she was in college.
I've not dealt with rape before, and while thinking how we might
proceed in an upcoming workshop, I feel she very much "blames"
the rapist for the devastating effects the experience has had on her
life. She's in a relationship, plans to marry and have children, and
I can only surmise that if left unresolved the rape will have bad
consequences for her children.
Is my feeling right that the rapist has become a member of her
system, or am I taking that too far? It's not murder,
but the degree of violation seems in her case to result in closeness
between her and the rapist, rejected by her, that must come to
light.
I have a bit of fear to proceed, not wanting to cause any
harm, and also recognize that confronting my fear could
open us up to a deep experience in this field, if that's
appropriate to her.
Wanting very much to help her, and appreciating any
comments from the group.
Patrick McNally
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